Struggling- A journal entry

Struggling- A journal entry

Daddy and I had a pretty good weekend, considering that we spent about 15 hours driving, a full day packing up a relative’s personal belongings and moving furniture, and were completely exhausted by the time we got home Sunday evening.  I am incredibly proud of my Daddy…he worked so hard this weekend, and did all of the driving as we were hauling a large U-Haul trailer.  I am feeling that it was the exhaustion that caused the negative feelings I experienced both last night and this morning.

I’ll do my best to explain what I am feeling, even though I put very little stock in feelings.  Feelings are flighty things…in one moment you can feel elated, and the next, devastated.  Feelings are typically fluid…ever changing.  So please, take this post with a grain of salt…this is just how I am feeling right now, in this moment, and my feelings will most likely change over the course of the day.

I am feeling that I am losing myself a bit.  At times, I feel like my opinions no longer matter.  Prior, to beginning our D/s journey, I was the one “in charge” of our relationship, our life…I made all of the decisions.  Initially, I think my husband liked this about me, appreciated it, as he was able to just go along for the ride.  But, he grew tired of it over the years, especially as I got even more controlling the longer we were together.  In any case…we needed to change…we reversed the power dynamics in our marriage, and now he is our head of household.

Don’t get me wrong…I feel that this is what I never knew I always wanted.  It feels right, most of the time.  I love my new role within our marriage…most of the time.  But today, I just feel a little lost.  I need to express that I wasn’t a bad person before D/s.  I was (and am) strong, smart, capable and I never gave up.  I earned multiple degrees while working multiple jobs.  But, everyone else in my life…my mom, friends, co-workers, students, clients…they all got the best of me…while my husband got the tired, stressed out me at the end of the day.  This is why we needed to change.  He deserved to get the best from me…not just what was left over.

In our new dynamic, he makes all of the decisions.  He still asks for my input, we still discuss everything…but ultimately, he chooses.  Sometimes, this is very easy and it brings about a peaceful feeling.  But some days, like today…it is not.  The worst part is, I don’t even have a specific example for you…nothing major has happened.  I am just feeling that my opinion doesn’t matter to anyone anymore.  I am struggling with self- worth and self-identity.

I know that some of these feelings are related to the experiences with grief and loss that I have suffered this last year, this isn’t all about our new D/s dynamic.  But it just leaves me feeling…who am I now?

Thank you for reading and happy writing 🙂

nora

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32 thoughts on “Struggling- A journal entry

  1. Right now I can really identify with your feelings of who am I because my partner and I are navigating changes in our power dynamic right now too. It’s hard for me, like really freaking hard. I hope you can get everything sorted out and get to feeling more like yourself soon.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. The first time one of my kids asked me if “I could ask if dad would let them ….’ was both a proud moment that we had put Sir as the leader of the home and a slap in the face (feeling) that I no longer had their respect. I was proud that our subtle changes were being noticed but felt like I was losing my place in this ride! We were probably about 6 months in when things start to settle into a nice even grove …. I think I know what you mean.

    For me it was about finding my inner balance between letting Him take the lead and understanding, really understanding that it didn’t make me *less* of anything, it simply allowed Him to *show more* of the man He is anyway.

    *hugs* to you nora!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, nijntje! I really appreciate what you wrote and I am wondering if I am feeling this as we were surrounding by family all weekend, and I feel certain that our power shift was noticed. They stopped coming to me with questions or help, and started asking my husband for his input. I hadn’t really connected that to what I am feeling until I read what you shared about the shift within your family. Thank you…you have brought about great clarity.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. you’re welcome nora! 😀

        I think it was the first time it was made obvious that I really wasn’t the one in charge any longer. A variety of emotions accompanied that, including perhaps a bit of anger and jealousy but I put it in perspective like I explained earlier – I’m not less, He just gets to be more.

        I found the sooner I was able to (be honest with myself and ) recognize the emotions causing my state of mind the sooner I got out of it and back to happy! 😉

        Liked by 2 people

  3. I don’t think that your feelings might caused by something else that it doesn’t have to do with your relationship. I think what you want in a relationship depends on what you need and that is influenced by other experiences. So what you need in a relationship might change over time. And I think that is perfectly fine.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. You know, you can’t have it both ways. Either Daddy leads by making the decisions based upon what he thinks is best for you both, taking into account your desires and expectations; or you second guess and criticize by attempting to take back control. Just because he doesn’t ask for your opinion and/or approval, doesn’t mean he’s taking you for granted. Being in charge 24/7 is a tough job. Backing up your Dom, even when you feel uncomfortable with his choice, is a role that is very important. He needs to know he has your full confidence and that you listen and understand his thinking. Your opinion matters greatly, but so does your happiness. One of your many new responsibilities is to feed the power exchange by expressing your emotions in a safe manner. Who you are, is always who you’ve been: Just without the caustic edges. Your self-worth and self-identity were always based on having the upper hand and leading from the front. That’s not a real identity, simply a social mask. You’ve taken off the mask and now feel a little lost; or maybe, feel the the new nora isn’t good enough anymore. Talk to him honestly and explain what you need. He’s responsible for you now. It’s his job to lead you where you need to go.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for this, LS…I really needed to hear this. I will talk to him and explain what I am feeling. I know he will have read this by the time he comes home tonight, and I will be prepared to have an honest conversation with him. You are right about it being a social mask…it is hard to have others see me differently, but it is truly what I want…so I will quit whining! Honestly, he is giving me everything I have ever wanted and I feel like a bit of a spoiled brat this afternoon. Thank you for saying it like it is.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. A common misunderstanding based around the ill feeling for the need and desire to have control will cause this dilemma. I s is less an emotional more so an ego problem. Hope this metaphor helps. In D s the D is the Jokkey the s is the horse. Together they are 1. Who counts more? The one steering or the engine? If you focus your energy on fulfilling your part of the equation the ego driven feelings of nattering less get the back seat and the team you are wins. #Strictmotivation #wejustgetbetter

    Liked by 1 person

  6. What you’ve described seems normal to me, nora. A lot is changing, and has changed, for you two… I’d be surprised if you didn’t have these sort of feelings.

    I think it is great that you write about your struggles. It is okay to feel whatever you feel, you’re human after all. Being a submissive is emotionally intense as it is, but in the beginning it can get pretty crazy. Remember not to hold it in, let your Daddy know how you feel or write it here so he can read it when he has time, otherwise it will just fester, then you’ll have a bigger mess. <— yes, I learned that the hard way.

    Hug

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, M. Dixie! I appreciate the support. It has been a bit emotional lately, as I discover my new self and explore our new relationship. There are parts of the “old me” that sometimes rebel 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Hi Nora.

    I am going to go out on a limb here and trust my gut instinct on this one, so forgive me if I speculate quite a bit here. Over the past month or so you have been writing up a storm. Based upon what you have written it seems that you spent a very extended period of time lingering in your submissive mental space. During that time I was a bit worried that your submissive feelings were progressing very quickly… bordering on too quickly for the rest of you to adjust. I am guessing that this weekend had so much going on that nearly every minute was jam packed with responsibility and the dynamics focus that you had put at the forefront of your mind got pushed to the side either by necessity or just not having time to process.

    I believe this is your first taste of subspace crash (working from definition #2 that I wrote in the comments a handful of posts ago). Basically, you have fallen out of submissive mental space and are now staring directly into the disconnect between your submissive and rational mental states. e.g. the same things that drive your subspace are now triggering a negative mental space instead.

    If you read this and he is there, try kneeling near him and thinking about 5 things that would make him happy. If he is not there, kneel near his normal chair and think about those same 5 things. When you are done, take a deep breath and see if those ideas of mattering, self-worth, and self-identity still feel the same way.

    My gut tells me things will feel different.

    Take care.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. furcissy,

      Thank you for the thoughtful reflection! I absolutely may have been experiencing sub crash, but I am unsure. Daddy worked very hard at keeping me in a submissive mind frame while we were away, despite how busy the weekend was. On the drive down, I had to wear my leather cuffs and he hooked them together to restrain me. Saturday morning, he applied the tawse to my backside liberally to ensure that I wouldn’t go into my stressed out mode and it worked…I didn’t get overly stressed, and I was helpful and sweet to him all day. And on Sunday when we returned home, he gave me my scheduled maintenance spanking. However, what you wrote about the rest of me needing to catch up to my submissive mindset…that really rings true for me. Things have been moving fast. Right now, I am home a lot as I am not teaching summer session. It is not often that I have to be anything other than Daddy’s submissive. This weekend, I could tell that his sister was noticing a shift in us…and for some reason, that bothered me. I guess I’m not ready for others to see me differently. Daddy and I had a great talk about everything last night, and he read this post and all of the comments. He recognized how I was feeling and empathized, making me feel understood. He then thought that it was important to remind me of my place within our marriage, and he gave me a spanking with the strap. I am feeling a lot better about things this morning and I feel that I learned a little bit about myself through this mental struggle. Daddy told me he had been expecting something like this and that he wasn’t surprised at all by my feelings…only surprised that I hadn’t experienced them sooner. I feel that he has a good read on what is going on with me which makes me feel secure and loved. I just realized that I am all over the place in this response…sorry for my disorganized thinking this morning! As always, you know I greatly appreciate you input. I will think more on the idea of sub crash. Take good care 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you for elaborating, Nora.

        I have to say that it probably was not a crash (at least not in the common ways) and it seems that he is monitoring things quite well and going about it in a very good way.

        That is an interesting observation about his sister. Two aspects stand out. The first is that you have a divide with how you view yourself and your submissive self as separate entities if that makes sense. Sort of a “which one is me?” thing. I believe there will be a time when the two begin to harmonize, or at least, the submissive side will take over as your primary sense of self and the vanilla side will feel like an act.

        The other factor is the power of self-consciousness. This can manifest in both good and bad ways, but I am guessing it probably felt a bit anxious. A good way to overcome some of this is to know that you are likely happier and more intimate than 97% of the population.

        One last thing to think about and you may have more knowledge on this front than I do, but be aware that the more time you spend in submissive mental space, the more your neural pathways will be rewritten and there will likely be a different chemical equilibrium developing in your brain. I am not saying this is a bad thing, just be prepared for times when things may feel off or uncomfortable until everything settles in.

        Take care.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. furcissy,

          Agreed! I think I am absolutely struggling with how I see myself, how Daddy sees me, and how others see me. In theory, I like the idea of being seen as a sweet, submissive wife who does her best to help her husband in whatever way possible by his family. But the 37 year old me (versus my 6 month old submissive self) is used to being in charge and being seen as a strong leader. I know that I can be strong on the inside and still be submissive…but the idea of others not seeing me that way is hard to come to terms with. Did you ever struggle with this?

          Liked by 1 person

          1. Hi Nora.

            I was very unhappy for a very long time and didn’t really get into meaningful romantic relationships until D/s. With that in mind I found it easier to reveal the basics (eg. I am a submissive) to those close to me from the get go. Knowing how historically miserable I had been they were more excited that I was happy than getting hung up on it. Besides, if you describe it like, “I exist to make them happy,” what is someone going to say about that?

            (Note: there will be that occasional frequenter of self-help books that will scold you for this.)

            While I do struggle with some of my desires, as a whole I always knew that I had a tough side that I had to be and a tender side that I wanted to be. Being able to drop the act was rather peaceful.

            Lastly, submission takes a lot of strength and faith. Putting absolute trust in someone else and living daily to truly make them happy is not for the weak. Cowards will run for cover.

            I hope this helps.

            Also, I am not sure if you have investigated the lifestyle known as “1950’s household” or something along those lines, but if not, you may find that interesting (although it may conflict with some of your vanilla independence).

            Take care.

            Liked by 1 person

            1. Thank you for this thoughtful response, furcissy! I learn so much from you and your experiences. I will definitely research the lifestyle you have mentioned, and think about what it would feel like to be able to “drop the act” and just be comfortable being my true self.
              I hope you have a wonderful day! I am off to the nursery to pick up some plants. A little planting therapy for tonight is in order 🙂

              Liked by 1 person

  8. Nora, this is all new for you. The first two years will be about relearning each other. Even after years, I think we all have moments of discontent around feeling like we are less. What I have learned is that signals that I’m needing a deeper connection with my Master. It seems counterintuitive but feeling-what about me?-tells me to refocus on her happiness. We all struggle because we all got conflicting messages about how to be women in this society. When you did it all, I bet you felt overwhelmed and resentment at times. Being a “good wife ” often means something different from being a “good slave/girl.”

    Liked by 1 person

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