Daddy and I had a pretty good weekend, considering that we spent about 15 hours driving, a full day packing up a relative’s personal belongings and moving furniture, and were completely exhausted by the time we got home Sunday evening. I am incredibly proud of my Daddy…he worked so hard this weekend, and did all of the driving as we were hauling a large U-Haul trailer. I am feeling that it was the exhaustion that caused the negative feelings I experienced both last night and this morning.
I’ll do my best to explain what I am feeling, even though I put very little stock in feelings. Feelings are flighty things…in one moment you can feel elated, and the next, devastated. Feelings are typically fluid…ever changing. So please, take this post with a grain of salt…this is just how I am feeling right now, in this moment, and my feelings will most likely change over the course of the day.
I am feeling that I am losing myself a bit. At times, I feel like my opinions no longer matter. Prior, to beginning our D/s journey, I was the one “in charge” of our relationship, our life…I made all of the decisions. Initially, I think my husband liked this about me, appreciated it, as he was able to just go along for the ride. But, he grew tired of it over the years, especially as I got even more controlling the longer we were together. In any case…we needed to change…we reversed the power dynamics in our marriage, and now he is our head of household.
Don’t get me wrong…I feel that this is what I never knew I always wanted. It feels right, most of the time. I love my new role within our marriage…most of the time. But today, I just feel a little lost. I need to express that I wasn’t a bad person before D/s. I was (and am) strong, smart, capable and I never gave up. I earned multiple degrees while working multiple jobs. But, everyone else in my life…my mom, friends, co-workers, students, clients…they all got the best of me…while my husband got the tired, stressed out me at the end of the day. This is why we needed to change. He deserved to get the best from me…not just what was left over.
In our new dynamic, he makes all of the decisions. He still asks for my input, we still discuss everything…but ultimately, he chooses. Sometimes, this is very easy and it brings about a peaceful feeling. But some days, like today…it is not. The worst part is, I don’t even have a specific example for you…nothing major has happened. I am just feeling that my opinion doesn’t matter to anyone anymore. I am struggling with self- worth and self-identity.
I know that some of these feelings are related to the experiences with grief and loss that I have suffered this last year, this isn’t all about our new D/s dynamic. But it just leaves me feeling…who am I now?
Thank you for reading and happy writing 🙂