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Three weeks in…

It’s been almost three weeks since my world was turned upside down, again.  There have been some really hard days, some okay days, and a couple of even really good days.  While I have had moments of wondering if I made the right choice in staying, most days I have felt good about my commitment to my marriage and to my husband.  I try not to let the negative self-talk into my heart…why wasn’t I enough?  Why did he break his promises?  Who is this person I’ve been married to all these years?  Because you know what…I already know the answers to those questions.

Why wasn’t I enough?  For starters, this is a stupid question to be running through my mind.  I AM ENOUGH, it is he who wasn’t enough.  It is he who had such low self-esteem that he needed validation from a woman who clearly had no respect for him or our marriage.

Why did he break his promises?  Because he is weak.  Because he needed to soothe his own ego.  Because he longed for something other than the reality of day-to-day marriage.  Because he wanted excitement.  Because he’s selfish.

Who is this person I’ve been married to all these years?  He is still trying to figure this out…but, I already know the answer.  And, this is where forgiveness and grace come in.  To me, he is still the boy I fell in love with so many years ago.  I know that he is a man who has made mistakes, but desperately wants to atone for them.  And, most importantly…he is the person who loves me, my partner in this life.

I’ve learned a lot about myself throughout all of this, coupled with the unexpected losses of both my mother and younger brother over the last two years.  I have learned that I am strong, much stronger than I ever imagined.  I have learned that setting an intention, and sticking to it, makes me feel good about myself.  I have learned that no matter what happens to me, I will make it through, and that I can do so gracefully.  And, I believe that I am learning to love unconditionally, which is rare in modern society.  Lastly, I am learning to truly love myself for who I am and who I want to be…and I will be that person.

I am fond of country music and I recently heard a Dierks Bentley song that struck a chord with me.  It is called “Riser”.  These are some of the lyrics.

I’m a riser.

I’m a get up off the ground, don’t run and hide-er.

When pushing comes to shove,

Hey, I’m a fighter.

When darkness comes to town, I’m a lighter.

A get out alive-er.

Of the fire.

Survivor.

Thanks for sticking with me 🙂

Love, nora

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I get knocked down but I get up again!

To all of my wonderfully, supportive friends… I am alive and well!  So many of you have sent me private messages, as well as posted on my blog, and I cannot tell you how much the support means during this crazy time in my life.  Today, instead of focusing on any negativity, I hope to spread a positive, optimistic message.

First, I would like to share with you all that I am choosing to continue in my marriage.  I assure you that this choice is not one made out of fear.  Yes, choosing to leave and uproot my life would be a terrible thing to experience, but it does not make me afraid to do so.  I could survive it, if I so chose.  Thankfully, I have been blessed financially, and I am independently wealthy of my husband, so that is also not a factor.

So, why stay?  The man cheated on me, then lied to me for over two years about ending the affair, and then recently confessed to his scandalous behavior with the sea cow (petty…yes. Name calling is not the answer).  The answer is simply, that I choose love.  This may sound odd, but I have no doubt that my husband loves me.  And, I love him…I love him as my husband, my friend, my partner…and as an extension of myself.  How I wished he had loved me (and himself) enough to not cheat…but, we all make mistakes.

In fact, as I have shared before, early in our marriage, I was the cheater.  In our early 20’s (God, we were so young!), I once got very drunk at a party and slept with a friend of a friend in a bathroom.  After lying to my husband for six months, I finally told him the truth.  He accepted that I made a mistake and we moved on.  A few years later, again…drunk at a party, I gave a friend of a friend a blowie in the bathroom (what is it with me and drunk men in bathrooms?).  This time, I lied for over two years about the event…promising my husband over and over again that nothing had happened, before finally confessing.  This was harder for him to swallow (no pun intended), but he did decide to forgive me and move forward.

But, this is also not why I am choosing to stay, choosing love, after all…it is not tit for tat.  I truly believe that most of us make mistakes.  And I choose to continue to love him even after the mistakes that he has made.  We have talked (and talked, and talked, and talked) so much over the last two weeks…and in my heart, I know that he is sorry and I know that he chooses me.  I believe that he is done seeking validation and acting selfishly.

Will I regret my decision to stay?  I don’t think so.  Even if one of us breaks the other’s heart again at some point, I am living my life with the man that I choose. I am strong, I am brave, and I do not fear the future.  In fact, I think we have some very good times coming.

Lastly, I choose to continue with D/s.  What this dynamic does for me…well, I am not willing to give that up.  In fact, my husband and I are planning a ritual, just for the two of us, where we will take ownership of one another’s hearts, minds, and bodies.  It may be challenging to understand why I would want to continue to submit, but trust me, it is for me…not for him (that doesn’t sound very submissive, does it?).

I hope you will continue to support me on my journey…the kind words and messages of support I have received the last two weeks mean the world.

Love, nora

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An honest letter…

This may be one of the more difficult posts that I ever write, but I feel that it is important for my own well-being to do so.  As many of you may remember, I have written before about how Daddy and I endured a period of infidelity (on his part) prior to beginning D/s.  Basically, he had an affair with a woman from work, I found out, the affair ended.  Or, so I thought…

Last week, I found out that while Daddy did break it off with this woman after I found out two years ago, the relationship didn’t stay broken off.  In fact, it has been on-again, off-again, this entire time.  Though this has primarily been an emotional connection, and not a physical one, the amount of deceit and betrayal…the sheer number of lies on his part…is devastating.

He finally decided to come clean.

Some may view this as a very selfish act…his decision to finally share the truth.  However; I really don’t see it that way.  The only way that he and I ever stand a chance of moving on from this, means full disclosure.  So we have talked…and talked…and talked.  He has shared his secret email account with me and I have read all of their correspondence (probably the most painful part of all of this).  And, this may surprise you…she and I have now corresponded.  We will refer to her as the Sea Cow (not because she is fat- she isn’t- but the name just seems degrading). And, the Sea Cow’s current relationship ended over all the drama of this, which I regretfully played a part in (as much as it pains me to admit this, I forwarded my husband and her’s correspondence to her current boyfriend…who is now an ex-boyfriend).

Perhaps it seems cruel that I refer to her as the Sea Cow?  After all, you are probably thinking…she got hurt in all this as well.  And, that is true.  But, this is 50% her fault.  When she met my husband, she knew he was married.  She actively pursued him, telling him that she felt “safe” with him, because he was married.  Over the years, she has told him how she always knows just how to “reel” him back in again, and away from me.  So no…no sympathy for her on my end.  While I do feel bad that her boyfriend dumped her immediately upon finding out that she was carrying on with a married man (what sane man wouldn’t?), I also feel justified in my decision to reach out to him and let him know what was going on.  Two years ago, when this first happened, I took the high road and never did or said a damned thing to her.  She really should have just walked away.

So…what now?  I don’t know where to begin.  I don’t want my marriage to be over.  I also don’t want to be my husband’s second choice.  He assures me that I am not second, and I know that he told her that he loved me and was never leaving me.  But…he didn’t love me enough to walk away from her, to end it two years ago, to not lie to me over and over again, to not bring her into our home, etc. etc.

My world is upside down.

Wherever you are in this world this morning, I hope your day is going better than mine.

Love, nora