It’s been almost three weeks since my world was turned upside down, again. There have been some really hard days, some okay days, and a couple of even really good days. While I have had moments of wondering if I made the right choice in staying, most days I have felt good about my commitment to my marriage and to my husband. I try not to let the negative self-talk into my heart…why wasn’t I enough? Why did he break his promises? Who is this person I’ve been married to all these years? Because you know what…I already know the answers to those questions.
Why wasn’t I enough? For starters, this is a stupid question to be running through my mind. I AM ENOUGH, it is he who wasn’t enough. It is he who had such low self-esteem that he needed validation from a woman who clearly had no respect for him or our marriage.
Why did he break his promises? Because he is weak. Because he needed to soothe his own ego. Because he longed for something other than the reality of day-to-day marriage. Because he wanted excitement. Because he’s selfish.
Who is this person I’ve been married to all these years? He is still trying to figure this out…but, I already know the answer. And, this is where forgiveness and grace come in. To me, he is still the boy I fell in love with so many years ago. I know that he is a man who has made mistakes, but desperately wants to atone for them. And, most importantly…he is the person who loves me, my partner in this life.
I’ve learned a lot about myself throughout all of this, coupled with the unexpected losses of both my mother and younger brother over the last two years. I have learned that I am strong, much stronger than I ever imagined. I have learned that setting an intention, and sticking to it, makes me feel good about myself. I have learned that no matter what happens to me, I will make it through, and that I can do so gracefully. And, I believe that I am learning to love unconditionally, which is rare in modern society. Lastly, I am learning to truly love myself for who I am and who I want to be…and I will be that person.
I am fond of country music and I recently heard a Dierks Bentley song that struck a chord with me. It is called “Riser”. These are some of the lyrics.
I’m a riser.
I’m a get up off the ground, don’t run and hide-er.
When pushing comes to shove,
Hey, I’m a fighter.
When darkness comes to town, I’m a lighter.
A get out alive-er.
Of the fire.
Thanks for sticking with me 🙂