A public apology

I really messed up today.  I was in an unfamiliar situation, and I froze.  And later, I lied about it, making it worse. 

Let me set the scene.  Sir had just called me.  Talking on the phone is still very new and I get very nervous when I know he will be calling.  We had been on the phone less than a minute when my other line rang.  It was Daddy calling and he’s out of town for work.  I completely froze.  Sir was talking and I didn’t hear a word he said, I just watched as the other line continued to beep in.  I didn’t know what to do and I felt paralyzed by indecision.

What I should have done is interrupted Sir (very respectfully) and made him aware of the situation.  I have no doubt he would have been very encouraging and supportive and told me that he would wait for me while I took Daddy’s call.  When I picked up the other line, I could have explained to Daddy that I was talking to Sir and about to have a discipline session. 

Instead, I took the coward’s way out and tried to pretend it didn’t happen.  I had my discipline session with Sir, and after, I laid down for a bit because I felt very worn out after my spanking and corner time.

And here is where it gets really bad.  I finally texted Daddy…

…and I lied.

I told Daddy that I had fallen asleep and missed his call. 

The good news is that I only let this lie exist between us for less than five minutes.  Feeling ashamed and overcome with guilt, I texted Daddy right back and told him what I had done, why, and how sorry I was.  Daddy was incredibly generous and forgiving.  He told me that he was disappointed in me but that he understood and that everything was okay.  It hurts so much when Daddy is disappointed in me.  It really is the worst thing.  I am feeling just awful right now.  And to make it worse…he is out of town, so I can’t even hug him tonight and try to make it up to him in person.    

This is really hard sometimes… being married to my husband, the love of my life, AND submitting to Sir.  Sometimes I feel like I am being pulled in different directions, even though both men are very careful not to put me in that sort of situation.  But it is easy to get caught up in my submission to Sir and get lost in that world, just like it is easy to get caught up with Daddy on the weekends and let my dynamic with Sir fade into the background.    

I know that I can do better.  Lying to my husband today made this so much worse, even if he did handle the situation with understanding and grace.  Yes…it would have been difficult to interrupt Sir…but he would have been patient with me and understood.  Yes…it would have been hard to take Daddy’s call and explain to him that I was on the phone with Sir…but he would have been patient and loving toward me, and he would have understood.  I am the one who screwed up here.  I am so mad at myself right now.  My husband has been so generous letting me experience this Dynamic with Sir…and I go and do stupid things like this.

I am very sorry, Daddy.  I promise you that I will do better and that I will act with more integrity in these situations.  I see that I really messed up here and I will make it up to you.  I am sorry that my first instinct was to lie to you.  Please forgive me for being so imperfect.

With great humility,

nora

PS. I truly feel that a good mouth soaping and some corner time would do me some good right now….