Out of the darkness!

This title is intended quite literally…we have been cast out of the darkness at last!  For those unaware of the craziness happening in the state of California, Daddy and I have been without power off and on over the last four weeks.  In total, we lost power for 12 days.  Living in the mountains, that means no power AND no water.  I am grateful that by the time the third power outage hit, we were able to buy a generator to power our well, much of our kitchen, and some lights and outlets to keep electronics charged.  I know that life has been much bleaker for many of those near us, and for the poor souls dealing with evacuations from wildfires all over the state.

If you have no idea to what I am referencing (as many of you are on other continents!), a quick Google will bring you up to date on the dire state of our electrical company, PG&E.  Last year, PG&E was found responsible for faulty equipment starting a fire which killed many and burned down an entire town near us.  Now, facing bankruptcy, the company is coping with high fire danger weather (north wind events) by shutting down power all together, leaving 2 million Californians in the dark.  I do not find much joy in discussing politics, but that is the situation in a nutshell.  There is much more to the story if you should care to research this nuttiness.

In any case, I am blogging this morning to provide myself a way to organize my thoughts about Daddy and I’s D/s lifestyle…or lack there of.  We have failed miserably during this time of high stress to maintain any resemblance to the lifestyle which usually brings us much joy and peace.  You may have noted that I bolded the word “We” as this is very much a failing on both of our parts.  While I recognize that the burden of maintaining D/s lies on both of our shoulders, I feel that the failing in more mine than his, however.

In times of high stress, I become a bit like a commander.  At the time, I feel like my leadership skills are helping.  I work quickly, and efficiently, and I have little tolerance for anything that I perceive to be hindering the process.  This is not helpful to my husband.  His personality is very different and he does not respond well to this Napoleon-like leadership style (really can’t blame the guy!).  Combine the high stress situation, with his wife going all Mussolini, and he begins to deteriorate a bit.  His confidence drops, he starts making mistakes, and meanwhile…I am right there telling him everything he is doing wrong.

It pains me to write this.  I look back on my own behavior and I cringe.  I hate this part of myself.  I want to be the loving, supportive spouse that builds my husband up…instead, I am the one who tears him down during stressful times.  And obviously, this does not work well for him or our dynamic.

So…where to go from here?  I do not feel that I can ask anything of him at this moment.  I feel that the burden is on my shoulders to prove to him that I can change.  I tell him that I want him to be more dominant, but I do nothing to feed that dominance…instead, I challenge him at every turn.

To Daddy…. I am truly sorry.  Your baby girl is trying to get back on track.  I long to learn to submit to you better, to build you up, and to follow where you will lead.  I don’t know why it is so hard for me, but it is a gift that I desire to give to you.

To my readers…thank you for sticking with me!  This road to submissiveness is long and winding, at least for this girl.  I hope to be able share some naughty adventures or at least a good spanking story soon!

Happy blogging 😊

XOXO,

nora