Leave the light on

Hello, darkness, my old friend…

Okay, I admit…that is a dramatic start to this post…but it’s not too far off from how I am feeling.  I am spiraling, my friends.  Sinking into the dark abyss of depression.  I’m trying to hold on.  Daddy made a grab for me earlier, trying to cheer me up, trying to reassure me that everything would be okay.  Sir tried too.  I could feel him reaching for me, but he couldn’t hold on…and I slipped through his fingers.  I feel fully immersed in the darkness now… tearful, exhausted, feeling unlovable, unreachable, unworthy…. 

I know you must have these days too.  I am sorry for just flinging my pain about this way.  I recognize it is very self-indulgent.

What ails me, you ask?  A combination of things, I suppose.  The biggest is waiting for this goddamn phone call from the doctor about Daddy’s test results tomorrow (I’d apologize for my French, but in this case, I believe it is warranted).  Simply put, I am scared. I am also frustrated that Daddy will be traveling for work and I won’t be able to be with him when he takes the call.  What if he gets really bad news and is miles away from me?  I won’t be there to hold him, to comfort him, and vice versa.  Daddy is my life, my rock, my home…the fact that he might be really sick is just inconceivable.  All day I’ve wrestled with the “what ifs”. I fucking hate this.

I also opened up an old, festering wound yesterday.  I had a falling out with a friend a few years back and I got this crazy idea that now would be a good time to try and work through things.  With Sir’s guidance, I wrote a letter to this friend, not with the intention of sending it, but as a vehicle for releasing and expressing my difficult emotions.  Well, those difficult feelings flooded me.  Yay me. I haven’t slept well in two days, which isn’t helping. 

And on top of everything, I can’t freakin’ cum!  I know, I know…first world problems.  But when I get wound up like this, at a time when a good old-fashioned orgasm would probably do me the most good, my head is just not in the game.   

Life feels…bleak.

I am sorry to be such a downer, my friends.  I will try to pull it together and get my head right.  I know that I should be pushing myself to workout or do some form of self-care…but right now about all I’ve got the energy for is losing myself in sad songs.  Tomorrow is a new day, and I will do my best to focus on all I have to be grateful for.

In the meantime,…

I’ll share the following song with you by Tom Walker, a sexy Scotsman from across the pond.  While the overall gist of this song isn’t necessarily what reaches me today, there is something in its tone that grabs me.  He somehow captures my feelings of angst, frustration, anger, despair…

Keepin’ it real,

nora