Leave the light on

Hello, darkness, my old friend…

Okay, I admit…that is a dramatic start to this post…but it’s not too far off from how I am feeling.  I am spiraling, my friends.  Sinking into the dark abyss of depression.  I’m trying to hold on.  Daddy made a grab for me earlier, trying to cheer me up, trying to reassure me that everything would be okay.  Sir tried too.  I could feel him reaching for me, but he couldn’t hold on…and I slipped through his fingers.  I feel fully immersed in the darkness now… tearful, exhausted, feeling unlovable, unreachable, unworthy…. 

I know you must have these days too.  I am sorry for just flinging my pain about this way.  I recognize it is very self-indulgent.

What ails me, you ask?  A combination of things, I suppose.  The biggest is waiting for this goddamn phone call from the doctor about Daddy’s test results tomorrow (I’d apologize for my French, but in this case, I believe it is warranted).  Simply put, I am scared. I am also frustrated that Daddy will be traveling for work and I won’t be able to be with him when he takes the call.  What if he gets really bad news and is miles away from me?  I won’t be there to hold him, to comfort him, and vice versa.  Daddy is my life, my rock, my home…the fact that he might be really sick is just inconceivable.  All day I’ve wrestled with the “what ifs”. I fucking hate this.

I also opened up an old, festering wound yesterday.  I had a falling out with a friend a few years back and I got this crazy idea that now would be a good time to try and work through things.  With Sir’s guidance, I wrote a letter to this friend, not with the intention of sending it, but as a vehicle for releasing and expressing my difficult emotions.  Well, those difficult feelings flooded me.  Yay me. I haven’t slept well in two days, which isn’t helping. 

And on top of everything, I can’t freakin’ cum!  I know, I know…first world problems.  But when I get wound up like this, at a time when a good old-fashioned orgasm would probably do me the most good, my head is just not in the game.   

Life feels…bleak.

I am sorry to be such a downer, my friends.  I will try to pull it together and get my head right.  I know that I should be pushing myself to workout or do some form of self-care…but right now about all I’ve got the energy for is losing myself in sad songs.  Tomorrow is a new day, and I will do my best to focus on all I have to be grateful for.

In the meantime,…

I’ll share the following song with you by Tom Walker, a sexy Scotsman from across the pond.  While the overall gist of this song isn’t necessarily what reaches me today, there is something in its tone that grabs me.  He somehow captures my feelings of angst, frustration, anger, despair…

Keepin’ it real,


49 thoughts on “Leave the light on

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  1. Hang in there Nora. I understand what you’re going through when it comes to waiting for that call from a doctor. I’m waiting myself for one.
    Just keep strong and remember you’ve got friends here

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This is a tough time of year, no doubt. Take time out for yourself. Do things you find relaxing and enjoyable, try not to focus on things that are stressing you out right now (I know, I know, it’s nearly impossible to do that). One day at a time. *hugs*

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, my friend. I am grateful for the comfort of the holidays. I love this time of year. But waiting for this call about my husband’s health is hard. At least when this is behind us we can make a plan and move forward, whatever the path may be.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I feel you Nora. I can feel the bleak darkness that so overwhelms you. I feel it too from time to time. Find the light my friend. Do what it is you love to help bring you out. You know have friends and I am here if you need. I know, there may be no reason. Hang on. You will get to the other side.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, MJ. This supportive message really means a lot to me. I really don’t want to just sit and dwell on this and will try to find meaningful ways to fill my day today. We have a call scheduled with the doctor at the end of the day. I will hang in there. I know we will get through this. XOXO

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I have little doubt. You very much seem like the type that will get through it. I am on meds and they seem to help a lot. I do t know if this is the right coarse for you but the price of popping a pill 💊 o ce a day is a small price to pay for

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh Nora, my heart hurts for you my friend. One thing that struck me right off was when you apologized for “flinging your pain about” and that it was self-indulgent.
    I very strongly feel that we all deserve to have each and every one of our feelings – and that we deserve to be able to share them with our friends and loved ones without feeling guilty and that there is nothing self indulgent about that in the least.
    You, my friend, are entitled to feel sad, scared, lonely, depressed, and dark! And you don’t need to pull yourself out of it. And you don’t owe anyone an apology for it! The fact that we feel all of the emotions is what separates us from robots, plants, inanimate objects – and You don’t owe anyone anything…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, WishfulSub… I really appreciate these kind words. I’d like to only share happy, sexy blog posts…but that’s not real life, and I am also a fan of being my authentic self. Thank you for making me feel heard and supported ❤


  5. Your blog should be a place where you can express your real honest feelings. As a reader, I wouldn’t want it any other way. I think this is understandably a rough time for you, and I’m just hoping the clouds will lift very soon. There are way too many troubling “what ifs” these days, and we must savor each good moment we can. I’m sending you my biggest virtual hugs. XO.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. “What if’s” I think they get us all at one time or another. I’ll be sending some positive energy your way. Don’t know if that works but I figure it can’t hurt. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I feel this and the song in so many ways. Thank you for sharing with us Nora. Just as they say, “this too shall pass”, I believe in that saying. It’s my mantra on the hard days. Please don’t apologize for pouring your heart out here, this is your safe space to be you and feel what you are experiencing. You have love and support from so many, please know that we are here rooting for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Feeling for you, Nora. You will find your way through it. I think of the same rock I see in my particular stretch of river-how much has flowed around, over and into it in the half century I’ve been conscious of it. And it’s still there. Peace.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for saying this, Prefectdt. He has arrived at his hotel, and he and I will connect via Zoom while he takes the call from his doctor on his cell phone. That way, I can take everything in as well….two sets of ears. I appreciate the kind comment ❤


  9. So sorry for your current situation, Nora. I had no idea that your husband’s medical results could be so serious. I hope they come back clean. Very best wishes to you both. Graham

    Liked by 1 person

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