Processing difficult feelings

I need to write about something that falls in less of the “sexy” category and more in the “real life” category of D/s.  Often, writing is how I process my feelings so please bear with me as I try to understand my position on this.  Right now, I am just so angry!  Sighs.  Or, maybe not.  I think my anger has burned away now.  I am not so much angry anymore as I am just feeling… hurt. 

In a D/s relationship, the submissive is to bend to the will of the Dominant.  There will be times when the submissive will feel great humility, uncertainty, or even embarrassment in doing so.  Sometimes, submitting and setting her own feeling aside, will cost her.  Submitting isn’t easy!  I have learned just how challenging it is day in and day out to submit to the will of another.  While it is often fun and the sexual tension runs high…sometimes it is hard to relinquish control and give yourself over to the will of another time after time. 

So, I ask you this… what is a submissive to do when her feelings are hurt, and she is struggling to set aside her anger and disappointment?  Does she kneel despite those feelings?  If she fails to kneel when she is upset (and I am using the word “kneel” to represent all the ways in which a submissive submits to her Dom) is she failing in her submission? 

I could really use some advice here, my friends.  I am feeling so lost and uncertain.  Please note that my submission is really important to me.  It is not a game, or something that I do part time.  Also, please note that I have communicated my feelings about this to my Dom.  And he has responded.  But…the hurt remains and I am unclear how to proceed.

As I wrote that last sentence, it hit me. I only now realized that I DO know what to do.

I need to practice grace and humility. 

I need to open my wounded heart and practice forgiveness.

I need to set my ego aside.

I need to kneel, because in this case…kneeling represents my inner strength.  This is not me being a doormat, folks.  This is me demonstrating how strong my heart can be. I AM a warrior princess and my strength lies in my submission.

I have a letter to write…must go! XOXO

Still learning,

nora

56 thoughts on “Processing difficult feelings

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  1. To surrender … very sweet. Peach flavor, numb my mouth, my tongue, the way I think about my feelings, my memories.
    Resist the mind, the experience …
    But self-giving is the only option. How easy it is for a sub, a servant … We just have to surrender. There is no other thing to do, there is no other option who is committed, its the easy way. Only those who are bored think to this day … Commitment is an active state. It is a resting meditation.
    Simple, no ego, just kneeling me …

    Liked by 2 people

  2. So, I’m not the best person to respond to this as I’m not submissive nor in a D/s relationship but, putting those obvious missing qualities to one side for a moment. The fact that you are still experiencing hurt feelings becomes yours to deal with and put to one side for the sake of your commitment to your D/s structure, and trust that your feelings have been acknowledged and will be addressed fully by your Dom.
    Sheesh, that was hard to work out, but knowing how important your D/s commitment is to you, then yes you do have to take that step and continue to kneel even though you have been hurt and trust that those feelings of hurt and anger will fade because they have been addressed honestly and fully.
    That hurt me to admit that Nora, so I do hope it helps some… but I also hope someone who is living a full D/s lifestyle will address this for you with more clarity and knowledge of what you are experiencing. I think I may have repeated myself I’m actually not sure! Much love Nora xxx

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you for this, my dear friend. I know you are right. Sir has acknowledged my feelings, he has apologized and done everything he can do to set things right… I am just being a sensitive ninny. Sometimes letting go of hurt feelings is difficult, but necessary. I never claimed to be perfect, or even good at any of this D/s stuff. But I am trying and I am learning. Sending much love to you across the pond, sweet sexy Gemma! Love ya ❤

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Seriously, I don’t know whether I’m right or not, I’m basing my reaction on how I believe you will feel once you have had chance to process your feelings a little more and they settle. Your D/s relationship with Sir is so very important to you that I know you would wish to preserve that over everything else unless the issue was too big to forgive and then that’s a whole different ball game. If you feel you can forgive and move on, then you should and you should continue to learn and grow inside that structure.
        I will say, I do admire that strength you exhibit through your submission Nora, it cannot be an easy thing to do. xxx

        Liked by 3 people

        1. Thank you, Gemma! My D/s relationship with Sir IS very important to me. I can absolutely forgive and move on…but it took me a minute. I’ll share what happened in an email with you. I do feel that I let the issue get too big in my mind. TheBareFootSub left me a comment here about learning to handle anger with grace and that really jived with me. This is definitely my new goal. I want to get a better handle on how to handle negative emotions in the moment….not to repress my feelings or myself, but to learn how to take the space I need BEFORE I react. I think that would serve me well in many situations. Thank you for your words of support here, my naughty friend… your comments (and your friendship!) mean a lot to me ❤

          Liked by 1 person

  3. Sorry you’re having a tough time, Nora! It would be difficult for me to advise you on this as I am not in the dynamic of your relationship, nor do I know the details of why you’re feeling the way you’re feeling. If you are hurt, frustrated, or angry for a good reason, I would certainly say that you shouldn’t have to suppress that just because of the type of relationship you have with your dom. Just because you have a certain dynamic between you, doesn’t mean you aren’t on equal footing outside of that agreed upon territory. Again, I don’t know what you’re dealing with, so take my thoughts with a grain of salt. I just don’t want you to feel bad or like you have limit yourself because of your D/s situation. Either way, I hope you sort it out and feel better soon! 😽

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, my friend! Sir has never made me feel that I am on anything less than equal footing with him. He is very respectful of my feelings. I think this is a case of my vanilla side really coming out and showing her true colors. Instead of accepting the situation, I think I am falling into a very bad, old pattern of wanting to “make him pay”. Surely you have been on the receiving end of this with an angry, disgruntled female. When you have already apologized and tried to make up…but she is still mad. In a D/s Dynamic…it is NOT okay for me to behave this way. He has very sincerely apologized and I need to get my emotions under control and submit to the structure of our Dynamic. It is actually a lot easier on both of us when I am able to do so. I really appreciate your support here and I hope what I have written makes sense. It continues to amaze me how just writing through my feelings helps me to process them. And it really helps to have people ask questions so that I might further think through what is happening from different angles. Much love, my sweet friend! I see you have just posted another naughty story. I am looking forward to reading it. XOXO

      Liked by 4 people

      1. I figured you knew yourself well enough to take responsibility for your actions and protect yourself when appropriate. I’m glad that you’ve worked through your feelings largely and are owning up to your behavior. Your dom is a lucky man to have such a devoted submissive in you! I don’t like seeing you upset, so I’m happy you’ve gotten some perspective and are feeling better. Much love my friend! 😘

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I’ve never lived either side of the D/s life so I don’t know what the ultimate answer should be. However, I do have questions.

    1. Not to sound flippant, but should the Dom care how the sub is feeling? Does the sub get a voice or say and if so how much weight should it carry?

    2. If the sub manages to choke down whatever slight or insult they believe has been inflicted on them, but they are resentful of having done so, can the D/s relationship continue to work? Resentment is like a slow burning fire that’s just waiting for the right amount of fuel and air to flare up.

    3. Does the Dom recognize that the sub has limits and tacitly agree to abide by them?

    I do hope that you both find a true solution to whatever ails you and the relationship prospers as a result.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hi Dave! I really appreciate your questions. I will do my best to answer them, but please know that this is just my perspective (and not necessarily representative of other D/s dynamics).
      1. YES! The Dom absolutely must care how the sub is feeling. In fact, this is often his number one priority (a common myth is that a Dom is just out to have his own needs met). The sub definitely has a voice in the dynamic. In some dynamics, her voice is heard in the beginning…during negotiations, and in the creation of the structure of the dynamic. In other dynamics, she is allowed to voice her opinion any time. In my Dynamic, I voice my opinion at any time, but I try to do so respectfully.
      2. Yes, resentment can be a problem. And I think that was what was plaguing me here and why I wrote this post. A D/s dynamic does not work well if the submissive is feeling resentful. I have no reason to feel resentful towards my Sir right now. He listened to my feelings, he offered a genuine apology…and I was still struggling to let go of hard feelings. I honestly see this as a failing on my part. I was prioritizing my ego rather than my Dynamic. And I regret this. This was a good lesson for me to learn. I am glad that I came to it on my own accord.
      3. YES! Limits are discussed early on and often revisited. I could write a book on this concept but won’t do so here. But I will say this… a Dom who ignores a submissive’s limits…is no Dom at all. I am grateful that my Sir is very respectful of the boundaries that I negotiated at the onset of our Dynamic.
      Thank you for your questions and for reading this post. I really appreciate the support! XOXO

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Asking me about D/s dynamic is like asking a fish, “How do I use these wings to fly?”. I hope that I smell better than a fish though, I did shower today 🙂 But this is the kind of thing that I am visiting here to try and understand. I am watching this space

    Prefectdt

    Liked by 2 people

    1. You make me smile, Prefectdt! I hope to learn something from this event, as well. As I get older, I am often reminded of something my mom used to say… the older I get, the less I know. Hope you have a great day 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  6. I’m so glad you were able to work it out, no one is perfect and you are allowed your feelings. I am glad he has addressed them and that you are doing that as well. A motto I like to live by is how we feel is never wrong but how we think can be. Trust your feelings, always be honest and open as you have been. As wonderful as your Daddy and Sir are they are not perfect either, I have full faith in you that you will handle this all with grace and come to a happy conclusion to help you through this. Sending hugs

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you for this, Storm! Once I got over myself, I was able to truly let go of the hurt. I feel so much better now. Sir and I have talked and all is well. Honestly, I feel a bit embarrassed that I made such a big deal about this…but in the moment, it felt huge to me. My thinking was NOT helping the situation. Sending hugs right back at you! XOXO

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Communication, you need to let your Daddy know what you are feeling and talk it through with him. This is something I’ve said before “A Power Exchange is a negotiated power imbalance between two equals.” Even as a submissive your feelings are valid and they need to be communicated.
    Let’s put it this way, if your feelings are keeping you from wanting to serve as a submissive then something is off. In order to serve to the fullest extent of your dynamic that needs to be talked about so it can be adjusted and than everyone can move forward.
    When a submissive serves, they give of themselves. They draw from their well as I call it. A submissives well needs to be refilled so they can continue serving. If that well is constantly drawn from and not replenished, that is when anger, resentment, and other feelings can creep in breaking down the power exchange.

    At the core of it, your feelings need to be communicated.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Hi John! Thank you for this very supportive comment. I really like what you had to say about a submissive having a well that they draw from. My well was definitely running on empty, and I think this is because both my Daddy and my Sir have been traveling, and I’ve been very alone lately. This post is actually about an event that happened with my Sir. We have had time to really talk about it now and I am feeling much better. He continues to validate my feelings and he had already apologized when I wrote this post… I was just super upset still and having trouble accepting his apology. And, I feel badly that I basically withdrew my submission from him during this time. I feel that I acted immaturely and that I did our D/s dynamic a disservice. I feel that I have really learned something here…about myself, and about how I react when I am upset. While it was painful, difficult situations often draw people closer as they gain a deeper insight into each other (and themselves). Again, thank you for taking the time to share your words of wisdom. I will be sharing this concept of the well with Sir. Please take good care. XOXO ~ nora

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Hi Nora. This is hard to read, especially since I, and I am sure most, if not all, of your readers, are on your side too. We don’t want to see you hurt. Communication is key. In the few instances where there was conflict in my own dynamic, time and also more effort to see things from the Dommes’s perspective, always wins out. I couldn’t just submit because I a submissive, I submit because she is right. I hope you are able to resolve it. Never let go of yourself.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Hugs you hard. Thank you, my beautiful friend. You have such a beautiful heart. I really appreciate the support. I really don’t see this as “my side” or “Sir’s side”. We went through something and both had different perspectives. I am still doing my best to try to see things from his point of view and that is helping me to better understand his actions. We had a very good conversation on the phone this morning, which went a long way toward healing things. At the end of the call, he sent me back to bed as he said he could hear exhaustion in my voice. And he was right…it felt great to get a few more hours of sleep. I am hearing your words though, and will do my best not to lose myself in all of this. There are times where I feel almost upside down, caught up in this whirl wind of excitement. While we’ve been together almost a year now, it is still incredibly intense for me. Sending you lots of love! XOXO ~ nora

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes Nora. It seems to get more intense each day. And we never know the direction it will take. And whether it is the D/ or /s that drives it. Mistress says we will co-create our dynamic, and that is proving to be true. We had our own hurdle, and indeed, that had me crying for real, but it also led to the deepest and most tender exploration we had had up until that time. She always talks to me about the importance of communicating even trivial concerns, worries, hurts because if you don’t deal with those then you you will struggle big things come along. Like you, I am married and love my spouse deeply. Figuring out how all of this fits together is a puzzle, but little by little it seems to be possible. In the end you have to never stop self care and self protection, and remember that love pain, “mal de amor” also makes us grow and be able to live deeper as we move on. You are in new waters both at home and with Sir take of Nora first, and remember you have all the support that you reach for. I am finding a few of my vanilla friends are safe to talk to, and that has been a godsend.

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        1. It is like a puzzle! And it is hard to know how all these pieces fit together now. Most of the time it is great, and some days…it is emotionally taxing. I hope you will write about the hurdle that you and Mistress faced together. Like you, I always strive to show Sir the deepest respect which was why I didn’t post many details here… but I do think it helps the submissive and others to be able to read about the good, bad, and the ugly…the real life stuff. Thank you for being part of my support system, my beautiful friend ❤

          Liked by 1 person

  9. Dear nora, I read and read your blog but rarely comment. I like these reflecting pieces though. Makes me think. And I think, I think, I think..it is not always possible to controll all emotions, and nor should it be. Not even when wishing to submit to someone else completely. Love does not sease to be love even though we decide to stop loving. True forgiveness might not happen for a long time after you utter the words. Sure, if this is about letting go of a grudge and letting go of petty thoughts about ‘revenge’, sure let it go. But sometimes hurt feelings are valid, and giving them space and time (not too much, but not too little) might help regardless of relationship structures. Apologies for all the spelling mistakes/wrong grammar. Warm greetings, have a good night/day

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hi Scandi! I am so happy that you came by and that you left a comment. I think you offered me some very wise words here…sometimes space and time ARE the answer…and in this case, I do think that both Sir and I could use a little bit of both to help us process what happened between us. Smiles at you. Warm greetings to you in return, my friend. XOXO

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  10. My inbox works both ways my friend.

    You know I’ve been struggling with this as well. For example in the midst of what we are currently going through, Sir gave me a lecture about forgetting to treat my nails…. my nails! I thought, THAT’S your concern right now? AND you’re going to PUNISH me, for THAT, NOW???

    Yes he did. And I bowed my head and took it, seething though I may have been on the inside. Because even in the midst of anger, hurt, or whatever is going on, it’s important to maintain what we can, in this case a rule that was broken and required punishment, in another case kneeling in submission even when it’s the last thing we want to do.

    I’m here for you, if you need to talk but it sounds like you got yourself back on track. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, my dear friend. I almost did email you yesterday, but was able to process my feelings by writing this post. After posting, I wrote Sir an email and he responded almost immediately (which made me feel good as he was in the middle of a meeting). We have really talked things out now and I am feeling better. I am disappointed in myself for not following through on my rules while I was upset, and Sir is planning to discipline me for that. As you said, he feels it is important to maintain what we can, even in times of upset. He calls it “leaning into our Dynamic”. I’ve been thinking about you a lot and would love to know if your situation has been resolved. XOXO

      Liked by 1 person

        1. YAY!!!! This is the BEST news. I am so glad. I never had any doubt that the two of you would work through this. I hope he dominated the heck out of you (though I did hear what you were saying about the kids being there this week). XOXO

          Liked by 1 person

          1. That he did my friend! It was a build that started with just cuddling, to making out, and it got more aggressive… which of course made him hard and then I was put to good use! 😍😍

            Liked by 1 person

  11. Oh Nora, I love this post, but not because I love the situation. Your vulnerability is beautiful.

    I hope that you’ve found balance again. Don’t be afraid of those emotions. We are all human, and those feelings are meant to be felt. And treated with respect. (Grace in anger is my latest learning point but I will master it.)

    N xx

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for this very supportive and meaningful comment, my friend! And I have to say a big YES to learning to handle anger with grace. I had not been able to clearly articulate this goal yet until I read this comment. I will share this with my Sir… learning to handle anger with grace is definitely something I would like to work on with regard to self-betterment. Thank you so much for sharing this with me. Hope you are well! XOXO ~ nora

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Hello, Graham! I am laughing at myself a bit here as I had to google “IMHO”…goodness, my age is showing. I don’t disagree with you about relationships sometimes needing a time out, but a D/s dynamic is highly structured (at least, mine is). I basically decided to step away from my rules and obligations to Sir because I was upset. And… I don’t feel that this is okay. He and I talked on the phone this morning and we are going to both consider how this sort of thing might be better handled in the future (when I find myself upset with him, and not wanting to submit). I am wondering if some sort of procedure might be better, rather than me withdrawing altogether. Also, the reader above you (thebarefootsub) made a great point about learning to handle anger with grace…and I really connect with this idea. In any case…I always appreciate hearing from you and your support means so much. I am sorry I have not responded to your latest email… I will try to do so today. Hope you and your lovely wife are well! XOXO

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  12. Nora,
    As I read your post, I thought, “she needs to voice her opinions and communicate. Then she needs to be humble and set it aside, grant grace to her Dom, and work to get past it.”

    And that’s what you said at the end. I know we think alike and I know you will get through this. It’s ok to be hurt, to have bad days, to also talk it through and get past it in the end.

    If you need a closer touch, let’s email! Hugs, Marie

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Awww… thank you, Marie! I appreciate your support so much, and you are right… you and I DO think alike. When I wrote this post, I was at the part where I had communicated my feelings…but was having trouble being humble and setting it aside. I feel that I really need to work on this. My anger is often immediate…but it usually blows over quickly. I would like to learn better control of my emotions. Thank you for being you, my awesome subbie friend!!! Much love. XOXO

      Liked by 1 person

  13. Submission as a lifestyle is not something I can relate to or understand. However, surrender to the moment when discipline is imposed is my fetish. I can’t imagine that moment and the decisions being made as not causing friction and feelings of resentment at times. Two people are not always going to agree. I’m not sure what the answer is when we can’t get past something other than to stop and try to work it out as two equal adults. It sounds like you have gotten past the current problem, so that’s the good news here. If you felt hurt and resentful, I think you need to understand why, or things really aren’t resolved and could come up again. You shouldn’t feel bad making a big deal about it here. This is a good place to express those real feelings regardless of how they may change the next hour, day or longer. XO

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for this supportive comment, Franz. Your words of wisdom always carry great weight for me. The challenge that Sir and I faced here was not about the discipline he imposed (which I earned) but was about what I perceived as a lack of self-care after the event. My feelings are rather unfair to Sir as there were extenuating circumstances in this case (time constraints), and he has never left a discipline session so abruptly in the past. He was also very distracted (with good reason). I feel that perhaps we should not have engaged in a discipline session at this time, but I am not sure that Sir agrees with me. In any case, we have talked things through now and while a little bit of hurt still lingers on my end, I am following through with my rules again today. I want to learn to do better in this area…and still submit, even when feeling a little hurt. I want to lean into our Dynamic (as Sir calls it) rather than pull away when I am upset. Thebarefootsub left me a comment on this post about learning to handle anger more gracefully…and I think that this is an absolutely beautiful goal, one that I will embrace. As always, it is wonderful to hear from you Franz. I hope that you are well. Much love. XOXO

      Liked by 1 person

  14. Thank you for your open, honest and heartfelt post Nora. As a sub myself, I feel that I am more subservient if the relationship is respective both ways. Although I have been active five days a week for my Mistress, often for 12 hours a day, weekends have been downtime, time to focus on other things in entirety, unless I chose to apply myself to Mistress at any point.

    If I was feeling ill, or just not feeling like it, my dedication and spirit to serve was acknowledged and I was not expected to comply – I was not expected to be at her service literally all the time – she respected and understood my personal life outside the closet, but of the aspects in which I demonstrated my dedication to her.

    I appreciate that my situation is not the same as yours but my point is that a D/s relationship still has to be two way. Anything less is nothing short of imprisonment and arguable grooming, which I’m sure your Domme is not out to do.

    Sometimes you have to speak out, reset the boundaries, establish safe words, places and situations and step back to drive forward again. A stressed sub is only going to be consumed with their anguish, particularly if they do not feel they can be open and honest, but it looks like you’ve made the right progress together and that is a very good thing.

    I find that my D/s relationship is mostly an indescribable one – it is THAT intimate, that detailed, there are no words.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hello, Fiona! Thank you so much for commenting, my friend. I read with great interest about your relationship with your Domme. I agree that it is difficult to capture the essence of a D/s relationship… when I read the accounts of others, there are just so many differences compared to mine! Each is unique in its own right. Sir and I have communicated about the situation and I am feeling much better. I really responded to what you wrote about being consumed by my anguish… that is definitely where I found myself stuck and I would like to be better about this. I really appreciate you commenting…thank you for the support!!! XOXO

      Liked by 1 person

  15. Great post and love the look behind the scenes at the genuine ups and downs of D/s. It seems the Dom is often put on a pedestal as if they have command of all that is right and good. I understand though that this is needed to a degree for the power play to flow in an erotic way. Yet, they are flawed and prone to mistakes like all of us. It must be a challenge for submissive women when these moments happen because it breaks the D/s spell, even if momentarily. Glad things have been discussed and you are back on track. ☺️😘

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