My friend Thomas, a dominant man with an interest in spanking, recently suggested that I self-reflect and write a post on why I long to hand over control of myself to another person. What is it about being controlled that does it for me? Why do I crave structure, rules, and boundaries? And why do I long for consequences if I operate outside of this structure or break these rules?
These are challenging questions and my understanding of myself, with regard to these topics, is continuously evolving.
I have been fantasizing about being disciplined through spanking for as long as I can remember. My fantasies were never about playful, sexy spankings…they were ALWAYS about discipline. In these fantasies, a strong, dominant man would hold me accountable to whatever misbehavior he had witnessed. I would be turned over his knee and he would spank my bare bottom until I was sobbing and promising to behave better in the future. I would lose all control and the spanking would be embarrassing and painful. To this day, that is still what I want.
But why do I want this? The “what” I want is a lot easier to write about than the “why”.
I want to be the best version of myself that I can be, and I have pretty high expectations of myself. I am a person who sets goals and expects to accomplish them. I make daily to-do lists with the expectation of myself that I will be productive with my time. I value hard work, self-reflection, and self-growth. And when I fail, I tend to be pretty hard on myself…thinking through what I did wrong, how I could have done things differently, and what I could do to be better.
It isn’t easy to always be in this much control of oneself. It can be exhausting, and it can wear you down. Sometimes… I really just want someone to do this job for me. I want to be free of needing to be in control. I want someone else to hold me accountable for my choices and my behavior.
To me, accountability and discipline are not games. I am not interested in “role-playing” the part of a naughty girl who gets a spanking. I am interested in being me…a smart, capable, hardworking woman…who sometimes misbehaves. When I misbehave, I expect to be disciplined because that is what I have earned…and it is what I need to feel better again.
While it may not seem all that exciting…the sorts of things that I want to be held accountable for are my health and fitness goals, meeting deadlines for work and for school, keeping my home clean and tidy, and being the best version of myself to those around me (including being respectful, demonstrating integrity, etc.).
There are other things that excite me about relinquishing control to another that have nothing to do with accountability. Some of these things include the loss of control over what I wear, the loss of control over what I read or watch, the loss of control over what I eat, the loss of control over what I do with my free time, and the loss of control over self-pleasure. For me, losing control in these areas is desirable because I long to submit to the will of a strong man. This is also challenging to me. This does not come easily but I enjoy the torment and shame it brings me to submit. Submitting to the will of another, especially when I know that any resistance on my part will be dealt with in the old-fashioned way, is a huge turn on for me.
Lastly, let’s talk about consequences. Consequences is one of those words for me… one of those naughty, sexually exciting words. When I hear the word “consequences”, especially as it pertains to my behavior, a thrill shoots right through me. I crave being given consequences for my misbehavior, and not just spankings. I often fantasize about corner time, mouth soaping, ginger figging, anal plugs, writing lines and/or reflections, writing letters of apology, being grounded…pretty much anything you can think of to make me regret my actions.
So that is a little more about me and my crazy desires! Dang, I am a kinky girl 😊
Thank you for reading!