Handing over control

My friend Thomas, a dominant man with an interest in spanking, recently suggested that I self-reflect and write a post on why I long to hand over control of myself to another person.  What is it about being controlled that does it for me?  Why do I crave structure, rules, and boundaries?  And why do I long for consequences if I operate outside of this structure or break these rules?

These are challenging questions and my understanding of myself, with regard to these topics, is continuously evolving.

I have been fantasizing about being disciplined through spanking for as long as I can remember.  My fantasies were never about playful, sexy spankings…they were ALWAYS about discipline.  In these fantasies, a strong, dominant man would hold me accountable to whatever misbehavior he had witnessed.  I would be turned over his knee and he would spank my bare bottom until I was sobbing and promising to behave better in the future. I would lose all control and the spanking would be embarrassing and painful.  To this day, that is still what I want. 

But why do I want this?  The “what” I want is a lot easier to write about than the “why”. 

I want to be the best version of myself that I can be, and I have pretty high expectations of myself.  I am a person who sets goals and expects to accomplish them.  I make daily to-do lists with the expectation of myself that I will be productive with my time.  I value hard work, self-reflection, and self-growth.  And when I fail, I tend to be pretty hard on myself…thinking through what I did wrong, how I could have done things differently, and what I could do to be better.

It isn’t easy to always be in this much control of oneself.  It can be exhausting, and it can wear you down.  Sometimes… I really just want someone to do this job for me. I want to be free of needing to be in control.  I want someone else to hold me accountable for my choices and my behavior. 

To me, accountability and discipline are not games.  I am not interested in “role-playing” the part of a naughty girl who gets a spanking.  I am interested in being me…a smart, capable, hardworking woman…who sometimes misbehaves.  When I misbehave, I expect to be disciplined because that is what I have earned…and it is what I need to feel better again. 

While it may not seem all that exciting…the sorts of things that I want to be held accountable for are my health and fitness goals, meeting deadlines for work and for school, keeping my home clean and tidy, and being the best version of myself to those around me (including being respectful, demonstrating integrity, etc.).       

There are other things that excite me about relinquishing control to another that have nothing to do with accountability.  Some of these things include the loss of control over what I wear, the loss of control over what I read or watch, the loss of control over what I eat, the loss of control over what I do with my free time, and the loss of control over self-pleasure.  For me, losing control in these areas is desirable because I long to submit to the will of a strong man.  This is also challenging to me.  This does not come easily but I enjoy the torment and shame it brings me to submit.  Submitting to the will of another, especially when I know that any resistance on my part will be dealt with in the old-fashioned way, is a huge turn on for me.      

Lastly, let’s talk about consequences.  Consequences is one of those words for me… one of those naughty, sexually exciting words.  When I hear the word “consequences”, especially as it pertains to my behavior, a thrill shoots right through me.  I crave being given consequences for my misbehavior, and not just spankings.  I often fantasize about corner time, mouth soaping, ginger figging, anal plugs, writing lines and/or reflections, writing letters of apology, being grounded…pretty much anything you can think of to make me regret my actions.

So that is a little more about me and my crazy desires!  Dang, I am a kinky girl 😊

Thank you for reading!

XOXO,

nora     

28 thoughts on “Handing over control

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  1. Thanks for the insight into why you like discipline so much. It’s really interesting. Also, I was just reading something 2 days ago about ginger figging. Sounds kind of intense and painful. I remember reading a story some time ago where they used Icy Hot similarly. Sounds kind of rough. Have you ever experienced such things?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Those are great questions, my friend! And yes, I’ve experienced both. Ginger root, when peeled and inserted into your bottom, stings VERY much…it is a terribly effective form of discipline. I have only used Icy Hott externally, rubbed on my bottom and thighs. This really just gives me a warm, stingy sensation…but it’s not overly painful. I have heard from male subs who’ve had it rubbed on their anus and genitals say that it can be very painful though. I would like to try Icy Hot after a spanking, but haven’t done so yet.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. It’s normal for *all* girls to be naughty. The difference is that *good girls* understand, and even secretly feel an inner need, to experience consequences when their inner naughty girl act out 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I feel this on all of the levels!!! Two things about real discipline attract me to it. First: me regulating myself is a nightmare. Like rehab 5 times almost had to drop out of college nightmare. So I need someone to make sure I’m doing what I need to do. The other reason is I grew up with three overprotective brothers. I wasn’t allowed to be home alone until I went to college. I wasn’t allowed to eat grapes that weren’t cut until college, I wasn’t allowed to handle knives unsupervised until college. Like ridiculous things. And so being held to strict rules sort of regresses my brain to a time when I didn’t have to be this strong independent woman. The one thing I don’t get is corner time fantasies. Like you do you girl. But it’s not for me. It gives me so much anxiety. Because here’s a wild discovery a girl who had an incarcerated dad has abandonment issues. And I feel like they’re leaving me by myself. But like spanking, mouth soaping sometimes, and icy hot after are some things I think about. I also don’t like making menial decisions like picking a restaurant for dinner is the bane of my existence. So having someone to pick restaurants and going out clothes is something I could get behind. Anyway. Excellent piece as always. I love when you dive deep into what turns you on and why it turns you on. 💕

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for this incredibly thoughtful response, Grace Marie! I can definitely understand why you would not want to be left standing in the corner by yourself. The thing about discipline, at least in my opinion, is that it should be loving. It might be physically painful, but it shouldn’t wound you emotionally…which means corner time would NOT be a good discipline for you. These are the sorts of things that I think couples should discuss (prior to implementation). Thank you for your continued friendship! Is that baby ready to come out yet?🙂😘❤

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      1. Omg girl this baby is about to burst out of me. I went to a yoga class at the health club I’m a member of with a friend of mine. And I got out of the class and my friend asks if I was okay. And I said “I legitimately thought I was about to deliver this child in this yoga class.” And I totally agree that discipline should be loving. Physically painful? Sure that’s what the kink is about. But emotionally wounding? Absolutely not.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I completely understand this, I’ve always strived to do the best I can when I do something and I hate it when I fall short. I craved spankings to remind me to do better, because I can do better. Do I get off on them, hell yes, but I guess that’s also the submissive side of me craving for the right man to be in control. I enjoy having my own thoughts, and opinions, I am aggressive and dominant in my own right but I yearn to be turned over and spanked until I cry. I crave the aftercare of a good spanking, knowing I could take what he dished out and earned his praise. More than anything right now I want, wait no I need someone to spank me till I purge all that I have held in for so long (I’m actually writing a little short story on the premise), I want to be made to cry till I can’t cry anymore than have him hold me close and tell me what a good girl I was for him. I’m a grown ass woman but I want this on such a primal level it’s distracting. I’m glad I’m not the only one that wants a spanking to keep themselves in line and strive for more

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I will share with you Storm that I am actually a very dominant person. That is why submission is so dang hard for me, though I am determined to master it (no pun intended 🙂 ). What you wrote…about it being distracting on a primal level… I so relate to that! I definitely crave spankings to keep me in-line.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I feel that for those of us who are submissive yet truly dominant in our lives in general, our gift of submission to the right person is so much more precious. If I am honest there has only been one I have been truly submissive with, the others I have topped from the bottom and left. I have no desire to be less than but to crave to serve in all ways to someone that pulls at that part of me. What I would endure for the right one, it’s scary to think because I’ve been hurt too many time, but I hope one day to have that connection again. With lots of spankings lol

        Liked by 1 person

        1. I hear you, Storm…. I really do. And I know what you mean about topping from the bottom as a form of submission. When someone truly dominates you…there is nothing else like it. And like you wrote…sometimes it scares me to imagine how much of myself I would give away in that situation. I have faith you will meet that person one day and share that connection…and when you do, I can’t wait to read about it!!!

          Liked by 1 person

  5. I love reading your thoughts on this, nora, and I’ve long been fascinated with all the aspects of discipline and spanking. I want to know why I’m attracted to them, where my fetishes come from, and what it all means. I’ve had many ideas over the years. The “why” is difficult because I was a spanko as a young child, long before I had adult needs or understandings of things. I had plenty of discipline and structure but no craving for it. I preferred to avoid consequences. I certainly did not want to be spanked. I didn’t want to be controlled, but I did for some reason like the creepy idea of being the disciplinarian. The idea of spanking was very embarrassing to me. So much negative, yet I was still pleasantly fascinated. Out of that, spanking and discipline turned out to be a major part of my sexuality. I’m attracted because it’s sexual, but the turn on is when discipline is authentic.

    Bottom line, my conclusion is that my desires are not the rational outcome of anything. I love the intimacy and bonding between partners and the nurturing elements. The power of authority and control are a turn on, but only in the context of my fetish. The justice of punishment that fits the crime, the redemption, the transformation to betterment are the stories that satisfy. The catharsis, the vulnerability and all but, at the end of the day, I wonder if that really answers the question for me. Why am I attracted to specific acts and circumstances when there are other ways to achieve intimacy, accountability, improvement and all that good stuff? It’s not so much about these virtuous ends as it is those kinky means.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think you make an excellent point here, Franz…all of this, what I wrote…is wrapped up in kink. Yes, I want to improve myself, and yes I want accountability to meeting my goals…but the idea of being spanked when I fail to do so is a HUGE turn on. People often ask me…do you misbehave on purpose to earn a spanking? And for me the answer is a resounding NO. If I did, it wouldn’t be authentic…and like you, a big part of all of this is the authenticity of both the infraction and the discipline. Thank you as always for your thoughtful comments, Franz!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. People on spanking sites who, apparently, don’t really get the discipline kink, often question whether giving us something that turns us on must be a reward rather than a punishment. Maybe they’ll never understand but, you’re absolutely right, misbehaving on purpose wouldn’t satisfy the fetish. That would make a game of it, and there will never be the same emotional investment and consequence in a game. There’s also, for some of us, the attraction to punishment as an idea, but not something we really want to happen. If it happens, it can trigger excitement before and after, but we still genuinely want to avoid the actual pain and shame. We know that spankos are not all cut from the same mold. XO

        Liked by 2 people

        1. I couldn’t agree with you more, Franz! I have chatted with many people who don’t quite get it. They think that because it turns me on, because I fantasize about it…that I try to make it happen. Don’t get me wrong…sometimes I will just outright ask for a spanking (usually for emotional or stress release). But as far as it meeting my need for authentic discipline… the only way it works is if I have actually earned it. Once a spanking has started, all I want is for it to be over! Spankings hurt! XOXO

          Liked by 2 people

  6. Oh Nora, I could’ve written this. You are right… it is SO difficult to be in control ALL the time. My mind drives me crazy at times, pushing myself with all I have to do, when I have to do it, how I have to do it, the rules I have to follow. And of course, I also think of the consequences when I break those rules, and I want the consequences, because otherwise, why are there any rules to begin with. Giving up that control relaxes my mind, and resets all buttons.
    ~ Marie xox

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Marie! It is difficult to be in control all of the time. Being able to trust another to take that control and being able to rely on them is such a gift. And ooooh…..the consequences 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  7. It’s funny… I would have figured my kink interest was more playful but reading the thoughts you have written here, thinking about my tendency to be hard on myself in certain ways and how various things I’ve been working through lately have brought out new ways of looking at my own needs and feelings. This was really thoughtful red.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I love this! You wrote:

    “To me, accountability and discipline are not games. I am not interested in “role-playing” the part of a naughty girl who gets a spanking. I am interested in being me…a smart, capable, hardworking woman…who sometimes misbehaves”

    For me, the misbehaviour isn’t even part of it. In relation to Mistress, I don’t imagine that I would ever want to misbehave, to deserve a spanking. Obedience is too much part of my thing–so, in that sense, I would never deserve it. I was liberated when I encountered a Domme who enjoys what she does because she loves the power it gives her. As she says, I don’t need an excuse to whip you, I’ll do it because I WANT to whip you. And that works perfectly for me.

    I had the first spanking of my adult life a few days ago. It was very erotic. It was also just so much fun. I told her how much fun it was, so she gave me quite a bit more. Afterwards, I was so elated that I expressed myself with childish joy and she joined in the fun…

    I love that you ask this question. It is one that I ask myself all the time. Writing about it helps me begin to understand what is going on in my head…but also a really big part of me is learning to stop thinking, which has always been tough, and to just feel.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. WOW! I would love to hear more about your first adult spanking, my friend. And, I LOVE the mindset of “I don’t need an excuse to whip you, I’ll do it because I WANT to whip you”….this works perfectly for me too. I will gladly suffer pain to please my Dom.

      Liked by 1 person

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