Submission does not always come easy to me (giggles a little…you didn’t think I was well-behaved all the time, did you my kinky friends?). At times, my submission fits like a well-worn glove. The “Yes, Daddy’s” and “Yes, Sir’s” just flow off my tongue, and you’d think obedience was my first language. Lately though, I’ve been pondering why submitting is so easy at times, and why it is so darn hard at others.
One thing that I have learned is that how I am feeling emotionally and physically play a big part in how submissive I am. If I am feeling sad, neglected, or angry…submission does not come easily. If I am tired, hungry (or, h-angry), or if I have just had an orgasm…I am also likely to struggle with my submission. The orgasm one really blows me away, but I guess that is why some Doms keep their submissives in chastity. I have noticed that right after Daddy lets me cum, whether he is fucking me or he allows me to masturbate, all my submissiveness just melts away. But the idea of chastity is just too much (so Daddy, if you are reading this, forget I said anything on this front).
The thing is…when you commit to giving someone your submission… you should submit regardless of whether you feel like it or not. I feel like this is an area where I can improve. Sometimes, I get very stuck in my head and I let my feelings consume me. This is not helpful to me, or to my Daddy or my Sir. Just last night, while feeling very stressed about the upcoming day, I made a very snarky comment to Daddy. It was very unsubmissive of me, and a tad on the disrespectful side (though not bad enough to earn me a spanking). Daddy stopped what he was doing, came to me, and pulled my hair a bit to force my head back and my attention off what I was doing. Me speaking disrespectfully to Daddy is a rare occasion in our household these days, I must tell you. Gone is the girl who used to speak disrespectfully to her husband on a regular basis…but she still re-emerges during times of stress and I want her gone!
The thing is… I feel more happy, more peaceful, and more content when I am submitting. It is a very dreamy, beautiful state of mind for me. I want to experience that feeling more of the time…and experience less of this being stuck in my head and feeling anxious or stressed out. Spankings (and other forms of discipline) definitely help, but I think that this also has to come from within. I need to figure out how to better manage difficult feelings so that I can spend more time in my happy place….submitting to Daddy or Sir.
Any tips or advice welcome, my friends! To date, I have found that studying patience, journaling, and regular exercise are all helpful strategies. But I feel like I need to learn better self-control when it comes to feelings of neglect or feelings of anger.
Help a submissive out!
Keep it kinky,
nora
Finding Strength in my Submission 
WOW
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I hope that is a good WOW, my friend 🙂
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Oh yes, I am delighted
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I am glad to hear that 🙂
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👍
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The orgasm one beats me too. But I know when I’m tired, hungry or sick I’m at my least submissive. Honestly I’m not just unsubmissive I’m bordering on mean. I think our brains are so focused on getting our physical needs met that the unsubmissiveness is a cry for those needs to be met. I would love to know why you feel that post orgasm you’re not submissive? I know I start my morning with an orgasm and then go have my cup of coffee and that really sets the tone for the morning and makes me much nicer. And then I end the day with an orgasm to finish on a high note. (As the pregnancy progresses this is becoming less and less possible) But I would love to know what works for you!
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This is a great question, Grace! I think that before I orgasm, I am focused on submitting. I think the mindset is something like… if I am really, really good…hopefully he will let me cum. But then…once I have climaxed, all that motivation to behave and submit goes away. Not forever….just for a short bit as my need to climax has already been met. It sounds like you start and finish your day in a great way! I tend to masturbate mid-morning….after coffee, after my workout…
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I so get this, the not being able to submit with the ‘wrong’ emotions. I can’t either. With our life as upside-down as it is now, submission is very far from my mind, even though I think it will do me good to be able to submit. But, it’s very far from his mind too, so maybe it’s a good thing we are both on the same page. But I totally get you!
~ Marie xox
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Thank you, Marie! I do want to do better though. You and Master T have so much going on right now! I totally get why submission isn’t the focus as the moment. But my life is going along pretty smoothly right now (knock on wood)…makes me feel like I just need to get myself together better! 🙂
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I think when our life is in a better place, I will feel the same as you… xox
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XOXO💋💋💋
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Being more of a natural brat, I am afraid that I find myself a little short on advice about submitting. Perhaps it is a gender difference or a personality difference but I find that I differ from you, in that I find myself unusually submissive after an orgasm. It is when I am most obediently pliant and my inner brat does a runner
Prefectdt
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That is VERY interesting, Prefectdt! It sounds like you would be much more likely awarded orgasms by a top than I would! 😉
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As I understand it – and I’m not saying that I really do – submission isn’t just a thing to do – it’s a state of mind, a way to be and if there’s a fly in the ointment, it’s that, by our very nature, aren’t as consistent as we think we are or should be. Day to day stuff gets in the way; your mind and thoughts are as fluid as anything can be, always changing from one moment to the next. You want to submit; you want and need that permission to orgasm and there’s a fight going on because submission says, “Not without his permission!” and your body has other ideas and with or without permission, you orgasm. Nice! The submissive in you might not be happy about that so much – you’re probably gonna be punished for having one or six of them without permission but here’s the one thing that even women go through: The refractory period of sex. In short, you cum, and that being submissive thing just goes away… and there’s nothing anyone can do about that and now it’s a matter of how long it takes your body to recover from the release – and now it’s back to business as usual and, yeah, probably getting punished if you orgasmed without his permission.
Other than that, there’s just too many things going on with a person from one moment to the next for submission to be a concrete constant. It’s the way you want to be and you focus a lot of your energy in being a submissive… but the reality is that sometimes, eh, you just aren’t and that could be seen as a “failure…” and it really isn’t because submissive or not, you’re very much human. I don’t know much about submission… but I know how people work.
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Thank you for this incredibly thoughtful comment, kdaddy! While I do agree with the premise of your overall argument, that we are human and infallible (no one is perfect all the time), I do think that I can do better. Submission IS a state of mind as you pointed out…and just like many strive for a “Zen” state of mind, I strive for a relaxed, submissive state. I chose a few books off Amazon today that I think might move me toward more positive mental health (I’ve been through a lot the last few years). I am a pretty positive, self-reflective person…but I believe there is always room to improve. Hopefully, I learn some things related to being more mindful of how I am feeling…so that little things don’t turn into big, emotional things (and when I get emotional, it is hard for me to be submissive).
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Being better is always a worthy goal… I just know that after an orgasm, being submissive ain’t on the schedule.
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LOL…not for me either, kdaddy! But two of my readers have commented here that they feel MORE submissive after an orgasm, so I suppose we are all different 🙂
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I have no experience with this actual Dom/sub dynamic, but the way I relate to your issue is that my fetish is sexually driven. The less I’m motivated by that factor, the less I think about spanking and associated elements of discipline relationships and scenarios. In the other direction, if I’m turned on by anything, even having nothing to do with my fetish, my mind goes to spanking and related stuff. Feeling bad or unhealthy makes me less sexually motivated, and after sex is the low point of my interest.
I can see where this could be a problem in a relationship built around my kink, because my kink relies heavily on the bigger picture. A 24/7 domestic discipline kind of household is just that — an existing set of conditions that should not be undermined by whim or how I feel at a given moment. Oscillating desires could diminish a relationship based on power exchange, however, I believe it works that way for many people. They enjoy it when the feelings are there, but return to their non-sexually motivated selves until the kink consumes them again.
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I think you hit the nail on the head, Franz. A 24/7 DD household, or D/s arrangement IS a set of conditions that agreed to by all parties. While there will be some fluctuation to mood…I feel like I need to work on being more consistent. My desire to submit is largely tied to my sexuality…but as I don’t want my submissive to just be a “sex” thing, I’ll need to work on addressing those things that throw me off course…sadness, frustration, etc. I believe our minds are our biggest muscle and learning to have better control over them (controlling/managing our thoughts) can help us to manage our feelings and behaviors as well. Thank you for the very thoughtful response!
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That’s part of the paradox for me. Discipline isn’t as exciting to me as a “sex thing.” My fetish is actual discipline, and the attraction to non-sexual dynamics, even to non-sexual relationships, is strong. The motivation behind it is sexual, yet what I’m attracted to must exist to stand on its own. Whether I feel like it in the moment or not, and I’m not into it by nature, there’s incentive to consistently maintain the disciplinary regime and authority that fulfills my fetish. I believe there are also non-sexual benefits that a good discipline relationship brings, so a break down is unwanted from that perspective as well. It sounds like you have a similar relationship with submission. You’re not a 100 percent submissive person, so you must make a conscious effort to embrace that role as tightly as you can.
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You express this much more eloquently than I can ever hope to, Franz! Yes, yes, and yes to everything you just wrote. I would agree that my actual fetish or kink is being held accountable through discipline. And no… I am not naturally a submissive person….in fact, quite the opposite. My husband and my Sir have both often commented on my natural power, which serves me well in my career. LOL…why I can’t just be satisfied with that, I’ll never know…but I greatly desire to learn the self-control to submit even when I don’t feel like it…
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I’m the opposite when it comes to orgasms. It makes me feel very submissive after. HE has allowed me to oegasm, HE is the one who brought me to orgasm, so I feel grateful to him and more submissive in that moment. Usually he has also just taken me, or humiliated me, so maybe that’s also part of why I feel submissive in that moment?
I have been where you are though, struggling to feel more submissive. Not so much these days, with Sir. Because he has a strong belief that a submissive doesn’t put herself in submission, rather its up to the Dom to put her there, to MAKE her feel submissive. So if an hour or so has gone by, he will usually do something to remind me of my place, like a hair pull, or just a look, or some words… or bending me over and taken his pussy lol
But it still happens, that ache to feel my submission, when we aren’t together. That’s when I draw upon what little rules I have. For example I will treat my fingers and then send him a text to advise him, and I will get back a “Good girl”. That helps.
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I do agree with your Sir that the Dom has a BIG role to play when it comes to giving the submissive cause to feel submissive. But knowing that sometimes it is my depression or my quick-to-frustration tendencies that throw me off track, I feel like there is room for me to become a healthier version of myself (with the idea that this will promote better headspace…where there is space for my submission). I also don’t want to solely rely on Daddy or Sir to make me feel submissive as there will be times when they are sick, away, distracted with work, etc….and being in a submissive headspace feels very peaceful and good to me (or perhaps I am just greedy… I want this feeling all the time!). LOL. But man…it sure is nice to be pushed into that submissive headspace with a stern look or word…simply delicious!
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Yes it is a delicious feeling. And addicting lol
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It certainly is!💋💋💋
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Being impatient and moody is normal for the submissive, When this occurs needs are wanting to be met and also to provoke the dominant to discipline the submissive. D/s relationships , like all others, are a living thing that needs to be maintained and sustained for it to thrive no matter what the day brings or what differing emotions one had the day before.
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Thank you for sharing this perspective, Bear. It is much easier for me to stay in subspace when I am put there. I am afraid I do require a steady stream of dominance. But I would also like to learn how to bring myself to that space a bit…maybe through protocols or meditations. Or, maybe that sounds silly….
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Not at all, these things can help focus yourself. A good Dominant will take care to maintain the dynamic of the relationship and for the submissive to to always re-embrace her place in the relationship in synchrony.
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Smiles. I don’t know much about your background (yet, I hope) Bear….but you present yourself as a very experienced Dom. I am very glad to have made your acquaintance here in this space 🙂
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I can say the same of you little one.
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I think what happened can be a good thing. When it’s organic it’s good. His reaction was good and he caught it in the moment. That is what fantasies are built on. But I will give you a flip side to it. Sometimes being a dominant you slip out or have a hard time doing it as well. Like say you gave snark and there was no reaction to it. Different mindsets and moods can alter or make it difficult to fill these roles. Sometimes it’s just recognizing when you are off it or it’s difficult summoning your sub or dom. Once you recognize it. You can make the adjustments.
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I absolutely agree, Matt! I do think that some submissives forget that being dominant all the time can be a struggle too (just like being submissive all the time is a challenge for me). I know for some it comes more naturally, but of course, Doms are always going to have those times where they don’t feel good, have a lot of stress, etc. Thank you for your input!
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Hi Nora, I can identify a lot with feelings of neglect and feeling down at times. Unfortunately I have yet to find a partner to keep me accountable and honest with myself. I do wonder how much of these kinds of relationships is kinky and sexual and how much of it is real accountability. I have to believe it is a balance of both. Spanking relationships and DD relationships will often have a sexual side to them, it is impossible not to. I guess the only exception to that would be if you were regularly going to a professional disciplinarian for discipline in your personal life. Those are often only for discipline and never sex. Now, if you go home and masturbate about the experience that turns it sexual for you, but nothing sexual happens between spanker and spankee in those situations is what I am trying to say. But with that exception, a lot of DD relationships will have sexual aspects to them.
I also have to wonder from a Dom’s side of things how do you balance keeping your Sub accountable and exhibiting good behavior and when does that becoming controlling? Maybe some Subs like being controlled and told what to do to some extent, but how do Dom’s balance that?
As someone that definitely identifies as more toward the submissive side of things, I can definitely see the appeal of having someone else in charge of you and keeping you accountable. I also know from personal experience that I don’t always feel like being told what to do or want to be held accountable. But I know deep down, I would need someone to keep me accountable in those times that I may not feel like opening up and being submissive or vulnerable at all.
This was a very fascinating post Nora!! I enjoyed reading it!! As I want to hopefully get into this kind of lifestyle myself, hopefully one day soon, I will be reading your blog as I am so intrigued by this lifestyle!!
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Thank you for the thoughtful comment, my friend! For me, discipline is definitely a lifestyle. I am held to a set of rules by my husband (only a few rules, the major one being a respectful attitude) and when I break these rules he spanks me. We have a DD marriage, and a contract we created. I am also held to a set of Rules by my Sir. I’m not sure how much of my blog you have read yet, but my Sir is strictly a Disciplinarian in my life. He provides guidance and structure, and a set of Rules that I must adhere to. When I break one of these Rules or displease him, he gives me a directed Spanking, corner time, writing lines, etc. (his and I’s dynamic is solely on-line). There is no sexual component to our relationship, though I am guessing we both find this type of dynamic highly stimulating.
In any case…welcome to the lifestyle, my friend! I know you’ve had an interest in spanking for quite some time…. I do hope you are able to meet someone to hold you accountable to your goals! XOXO
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Oh my Lord! Same! I honestly sang the tune in my head to your title.
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Smiles at you. Thank you for reading, my friend!
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Oh, absolutely. I am your biggest fan.
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Thank you, MJ! And I am a fan of your work as well, my friend. Have a wonderful day!
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How to deal with negative or draining emotions is (in my experience) one of the hardest struggles in life. I believe that it is that struggle to improve and the pursuit of happiness that makes us human. Although it would be amazing, it is unrealistic to wish to be perfect, or perfectly submissive, all the time. Thought the desire to be better for yourself and Daddy is honorable! Many other comments have great thoughts and tips and come from people much more experienced than me, so I’ll leave them to do the advising and just remind you to be kind to yourself. It’s terrible to be disrespectful to Daddy and to feel like you are not being your best or most submissive self, but everyone has bad moments. In a nutshell: I admire how you are always reflecting and seeking to improve yourself, but check in with the emotional side too and take care to set achievable, healthy goals (which I think you do already). Glad to be back to your blog, I missed it!
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Hi Claire! Great to see you here again, and thank you for the reminder to be gentle to myself. You are right…it is a good thing to self-reflect and want to do better, but I must remember that it is impossible to be the perfect submissive all of the time. Hope all is well in your world and that you are finding yourself through finals and on a break! 🙂
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I am a bit of a perfectionist, so I often have to remind myself to be gentle and understanding with my expectations of myself too. All is very well! I rocked finals, if I do say so myself, and made the Dean’s list both semesters this year! I am about to take a nice family vacation and have some rest, but after I will update you on Daddy (formerly known here as S) and I 😉
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Congratulations on your finals! That is wonderful news. I hope you enjoy a fabulous family vacation and some downtime. And….can’t wait to hear about how S became Daddy 🙂
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