Light & Darkness

I have so much to be grateful for in this life.  That SHOULD be the focus of this post.  The beauty, the gift of life and health, the light shining down on me.  But people are more complicated than that.  Sometimes we bask in the warmth of the sun and other times we are overcome by the darkness within each of us.  Two sides of the same coin.  Can’t seem to have one without the other.  Maybe we can’t appreciate one without the other?  I think that is probably true.

My cycling through these two spaces- the lightness and the darkness- is sometimes a dramatic shift.  Not to the degree of mania and clinical depression, but I intensely feel both joy and pain.  When I feel emotional pain, like most, it is hard for me to find my joy.   

I wanted to share more of my story here this morning.  Not the sex and spanking stuff…smiles.  I wish that is what I felt like talking about this morning.  I want to talk about fear, or, I should say… I need to talk about it.  I am afraid.  I am so afraid that it is almost debilitating at times. 

Before I get there, I want to talk about my life…my life before this blog.  For those of you long-time readers, you know that I started this blog soon after losing my mom and brother.  You didn’t know the old me, the me prior to those losses.  I will share that I was incredibly fortunate to have grown up in a happy and safe environment.  Both of my parents loved me, encouraged me, and together…they built a great family.  All of my needs were met, and then some.  We had our share of problems, like any family, but things were good.  As adults, all four of us stayed near my parents…engaging in weekly family dinners, game night, family karaoke…life was GOOD.  My family loved camping, boating, riding quads…and the family kept growing as my older siblings had children.

And then one day, my mom died, unexpectedly.  She wasn’t sick.  There was no indication of a health problem.  She laid down to take a nap and she never woke up.  There were no goodbyes, no closure…

I always knew my mom was the cornerstone of our family.  But I never understood what that meant until she was gone.  My family fell apart.  While we were all busy falling apart, my little brother overdosed.  The pain of losing him…destroyed whatever was left of my family.  Being together was too hard…being together reminded each of us how much we had lost.

And, like a really bad country song, the blows kept coming… my husband had an affair, my dog died, and I lost my best friend.  It was a lot for anyone, let alone packed into a two-year time frame…at least, that’s what my therapist told me.  I am sure others have had worse.  But it was a lot for me. 

This leads me to naming my fear… the feeling at the center of my darkness.  It is ironic…when I was young, I could never have predicted being consumed by this fear.  I was always surrounded by people who loved me then, I felt so secure and safe.  But now… I fear being left alone.  I try not to dwell on it…. I try not to think of it…but when that door opens, the fear of being left alone nearly drowns me.

I refuse to let this be my reality.  If I allow it, this fear could turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy, and I will drive those who care about me away.  I don’t want that. 

So today… I will do the things I am supposed to do.  I will focus on self-care and put in a good workout.  I will hold my husband tight and play fetch with my puppies.  I will turn my face toward the sun and focus on what I have, and not on what I don’t have. 

And, I will listen to the song I posted below.  This song always reminds me that I want to LIVE my life… I don’t want to simply exist. 

Thank you for reading this post, my friends.  I needed to get this all out and it helps knowing that you are out there, sharing in my journey.  Try to smile today and find your joy.  And if your joy happens to come with a side of spanking, well… that is probably why we are friends 😊



31 thoughts on “Light & Darkness

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  1. It is so moving to hear of your experiences Nora. You truly have endured so much! Emotions after any kind of big challenge can be so strong – they can get right to our core and shake us. You sound as if you know yourself very well, and know what to do when dark thoughts rise.

    Thank you for sharing yourself honestly. It is always reassuring to someone else who is fearful of their own dark thoughts. You are a gem!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for this very supportive comment, Jenna! Coming back from these losses has been no easy feat for me. Having the support of this community, a space where I am free to just be myself….happy or sad….has been an incredible experience ❤


    1. Smiles at you. Thank you, Prefectdt. In some ways, my life was quite like the Titanic striking an iceberg and sinking quickly….but I am grateful for the life supports that have been thrown my way. The support of this community has been life changing for me. I finally found a place where I could just be me and not have to hide (except for my real identity of course 🙂 ). Thank you for your readership and for your daily posts! I can always count on you to post a pic of a well-spanked bottom!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I connect to this piece in a way I’ve never connected to really anything else. I grew up without a father and i had my brothers and my mom and my sister and Matt’s mom. I got diagnosed with anxiety and depression very young. Every year would be “this is the year” he’ll get out. And he didn’t. Which was hard for a kid. I was sexually assaulted from 11-12 raped at 18. I discovered alcohol in my early teen years. Harder stuff came as I got older. I got sober off of the hard stuff at 22. I’ve done rehab 5 times been in and out of inpatient and outpatient mental health programs since I was 9. I finally got my life fully back together this year. I’m pregnant and married and surrounded by great people and my father is home. And yet in a cruel twist of fait I caught my husband cheating. I don’t know for how long or when. And that information almost caused me to get back into the spiral that broke my life to pieces. And now I’m facing the sun and making myself pick up the pieces. I’m not saying all of this for sympathy im trying to say thank you Nora for being honest and raw and open with us. You will probably never know how much that means to me. But I just want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Grace…I need to be the one to say thank you. Thank you for being so raw and vulnerable with me. You had shared pieces of your story but seeing now what you’ve been through during your lifetime…I’m sending you lots of love, my friend. Never forget how strong and brave you are. That beautiful little girl growing inside you is sure to have your inner beauty, your strength, and your sass ❤


  3. Darkness walks beside us every day, waiting to cloud judgement or remind you of the chaos of life and how it can divert you from a path of fulfilment and instil fear in your daily environment. This is an insidious trick our minds play on us but it’s also just that ..a trick, it blinds you to solutions. Embrace your friends and family, never isolate yourself from the world you love otherwise the fear grows. You are stronger than you know , yes fear and darkness in life exists and visits us from childhood to grave but it cannot consume you if you recognize it for what it is, something that will teach you resilience and motivates you to rise above it. Show fear its pain and darkness, that wounds us, is expected but can never define your life.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Thank you for sharing your dark space, nora. Though you’ve talked a little about your loss of dear family members, I didn’t suspect how broken it left you and your remaining family, or the fear you now must deal with. I hope you will continue to battle that fear and defeat it. Lives behind the screen tend to be much darker and more complex than we feel comfortable talking about. I’m glad you were able to articulate your pain to your family who cares here.

    I liked that song. My ear often goes to darker music, but I love uplifting as well. XO

    Liked by 1 person

  5. We do indeed have similarities in our life, Nora, like you said. The fear of being alone is so real, and something I push away very hard. I’m afraid of losing my husband, and with the recent stroke he had, the fear became all too real. My life has just not been the same since my mom passed, and it seems life has more curve balls to throw my way. But, I believe in always finding the silver linings in everything. Hang in there, my friend, we will always find the light!
    ~ Marie xox

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am terrified of losing my husband too, Marie. Sometimes, I obsessively think on it…which is not good for my mental health. My life is not the same either…since my mom passed away. She was my best friend. My husband and I bought a house just a few driveways down from her’s…so, she was a part of my daily life too. But, you are right…we must focus on the silver linings, no matter how bittersweet. Thank you for your support…and know, that I am sending hugs your way and lots of positive vibes to you and Master T ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Like your mom was your best friend, mine was too. It left such a void in my life, and she also lived very close to us. Only a 5 minute walk. I miss her so damn much. And I get it, indeed, thinking about losing my husband sends me into a terribly dark mood. I try to avoid that. Thanks for your good vibes, and sending lots of love and positivity your way too xox

        Liked by 1 person

  6. We are so similar even when we are so very different. I know why I always connect so deeply with you Nora, it’s because I always feel like there is a wealth of personal knowledge that drives your pin point comments on posts of mine you have responded to. I for one am so happy our shared love of spanking brought us together as kindred spirits on WP. My heart hurts for you when I read this post, loss of the kind you talk about is impossible to get over, we have to learn to find a way to live inside the loss and find the space where it doesn’t hurt so badly. Self care is so very important in this life and I’m very glad you know how to ask for what you need to make you whole again. You are an amazingly strong woman and full of light and laughter, even through the darkness, you can still shine brightly enough we will see you. Much love my warrior sister. 💖

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, my warrior sister! Your comments and support mean so much to me. And, I see so much wisdom in what you have written here… I have realized that this is not something I will ever “get over”…but, I must learn to live with it and get to a place where the pain isn’t so debilitating when it hits. I know you have a lot going on right now too….please know that I am thinking of you and sending lots of love across the pond ❤

      Liked by 2 people

  7. Nora, I am so grateful to you for sharing your fear with us. I do believe it is impossible to appreciate the light without the dark, after all, one cannot exist without the other. But that does not mean it is right for someone to experience so much dark in such a short time. There is no reason that you should only focus on the light in your blog. As I wrote to you when I first found your blog, the experiences you have shared helped me to realize I wasn’t alone. I lost my best friend, recalled memories of abuse I endured as a child, discovered my own boyfriend was lying to and abusing me and learned that my father was having an affair on my mother in the span of the last 2 years. My therapist also told me that this was a lot for one person to experience. I didn’t believe him. I thought I should be stronger. I’m a smart, independent woman, and I believed that I should have been able to handle it. But I couldn’t. The stress of placing that responsibility on myself broke me, for a time. I learned though, that the best part of being broken, is getting the chance to choose how you want to put the pieces back together. Please, allow yourself to look at the dark sometimes and believe that you are not weak for being afraid. Fear is human. Being afraid of the dark is human. But you have walked through the dark before and come out the other side. There will always be people in this world who love you, even if for a time it feels like the only one who does is yourself. Thank you, and I hope your world fills with light again soon.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for this incredibly supportive comment, Clairevoyant. You have been through so much. Thank you for sharing your experiences here… I think this gives us all hope. Hope that we can battle the darkness and win! Thinking of you and grateful for your readership. XOXO. nora


      1. Thank you for providing such a supportive place to share. I’m finding that writing out my experiences helps me process them and lift the weight off my shoulders. I hope it can help others as well. I believe we can fight the dark and win! Sending you well-wishes always! Claire 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  8. I hope you can feel the hugs I am sending your way. I know all too well the loss of a mother, it’s been 7 years and I have yet to grieve her. The loss is too much I feel for anyone to bear and on top of it all you lose your brother. You are stronger than you know. I am proud of what you share with us, letting us in a little further. Know that they are both watching over you, and are proud of the woman you have become.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Storm…. I really appreciate your support, it means so much. I am very sorry to hear about your mom too… I fear it is a loss we never truly heal from. Lots of hugs to you, my friend ❤

      Liked by 1 person

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