I have so much to be grateful for in this life. That SHOULD be the focus of this post. The beauty, the gift of life and health, the light shining down on me. But people are more complicated than that. Sometimes we bask in the warmth of the sun and other times we are overcome by the darkness within each of us. Two sides of the same coin. Can’t seem to have one without the other. Maybe we can’t appreciate one without the other? I think that is probably true.
My cycling through these two spaces- the lightness and the darkness- is sometimes a dramatic shift. Not to the degree of mania and clinical depression, but I intensely feel both joy and pain. When I feel emotional pain, like most, it is hard for me to find my joy.
I wanted to share more of my story here this morning. Not the sex and spanking stuff…smiles. I wish that is what I felt like talking about this morning. I want to talk about fear, or, I should say… I need to talk about it. I am afraid. I am so afraid that it is almost debilitating at times.
Before I get there, I want to talk about my life…my life before this blog. For those of you long-time readers, you know that I started this blog soon after losing my mom and brother. You didn’t know the old me, the me prior to those losses. I will share that I was incredibly fortunate to have grown up in a happy and safe environment. Both of my parents loved me, encouraged me, and together…they built a great family. All of my needs were met, and then some. We had our share of problems, like any family, but things were good. As adults, all four of us stayed near my parents…engaging in weekly family dinners, game night, family karaoke…life was GOOD. My family loved camping, boating, riding quads…and the family kept growing as my older siblings had children.
And then one day, my mom died, unexpectedly. She wasn’t sick. There was no indication of a health problem. She laid down to take a nap and she never woke up. There were no goodbyes, no closure…
I always knew my mom was the cornerstone of our family. But I never understood what that meant until she was gone. My family fell apart. While we were all busy falling apart, my little brother overdosed. The pain of losing him…destroyed whatever was left of my family. Being together was too hard…being together reminded each of us how much we had lost.
And, like a really bad country song, the blows kept coming… my husband had an affair, my dog died, and I lost my best friend. It was a lot for anyone, let alone packed into a two-year time frame…at least, that’s what my therapist told me. I am sure others have had worse. But it was a lot for me.
This leads me to naming my fear… the feeling at the center of my darkness. It is ironic…when I was young, I could never have predicted being consumed by this fear. I was always surrounded by people who loved me then, I felt so secure and safe. But now… I fear being left alone. I try not to dwell on it…. I try not to think of it…but when that door opens, the fear of being left alone nearly drowns me.
I refuse to let this be my reality. If I allow it, this fear could turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy, and I will drive those who care about me away. I don’t want that.
So today… I will do the things I am supposed to do. I will focus on self-care and put in a good workout. I will hold my husband tight and play fetch with my puppies. I will turn my face toward the sun and focus on what I have, and not on what I don’t have.
And, I will listen to the song I posted below. This song always reminds me that I want to LIVE my life… I don’t want to simply exist.
Thank you for reading this post, my friends. I needed to get this all out and it helps knowing that you are out there, sharing in my journey. Try to smile today and find your joy. And if your joy happens to come with a side of spanking, well… that is probably why we are friends 😊