This weekend was a biggie for me.
As I shared in an earlier post, I experienced some very painful feelings this weekend, related to the passing of my younger brother. This marks our fourth year without him. His birthday and the anniversary of his passing come about around the same time…so…just a lot of pain all around.
In any case…my normal strategy around this time of year is to overindulge in the tipple, shop too much, eat too much, binge watch my favorite shows too much (yes, there is such a thing!)…basically, a bunch of unhealthy behaviors meant to avoid the pain this time of year brings up. However, I started making some major changes during the pandemic last year and even more healthy changes in 2021. This is the first time since my brother passed that I have been sober on his birthday. I don’t want to make it sound like I was an alcoholic, but like many, I was prone to overindulging, especially when experiencing emotional pain. But one of the changes I made in 2021 was to break up with alcohol all together…it really wasn’t bringing me any happiness.
Today, I focused largely on myself. I reached out to family and friends (rather than avoiding them during a painful time), I ate lunch in the sunshine, I completed a Zumba dance workout (the music always makes me feel happy 😊), and I was generally productive (which makes me feel good about myself). But, late this afternoon I felt myself becoming overwhelmed with big, painful feelings. I didn’t know what else to do…I had nothing else in my self-care toolbox in that moment.
But Daddy did.
Recognizing that I was in pain and that I needed his help, he asked me if a spanking would help. Through my tears, I nodded yes…and almost instantly, my heart felt lighter. I felt seen.
Daddy asked me to take off my pants and lay on my tummy on the bed.
For whatever reason, I needed him to disrobe me and I asked him, “Will you please do it, Daddy?”
He smiled at me, nodded, and left the room to collect his implements. He returned with the strap, the tawse, and the cane.
As he told me how much he loved me, he lowered my yoga pants to my knees, so my bottom was bare (yep, you read that right…no panties today). He raised my shirt a bit and kissed me on the small of my back. Then, he began to spank me with his hand.
The spanks were firm but not overly hard. I sensed he was warming me up, which meant he intended to be at this awhile. After a few minutes of this attention, I was crying out a bit and squirming, and he stopped…and picked up the strap.
These were NOT warmup strokes. The strap began to light a small fire on my bottom, searing my backside with the kiss of leather. While I don’t normally, I found myself counting the strokes. There were 38 total strokes that landed on my bare bottom. I don’t know if Daddy was counting or not…but that is how many I counted.
Next came the tawse. Our “traditional” tawse is about 14 inches in length, ¾ an inch in thickness, has a split tail, and is heavy in weight. It is an implement that provides a wicked sting, leaves welts, and provides a bit of the “thud” effect too that you typically only find in hairbrushes and paddles. By the fourth lick with the tawse, I was in tears….and 20 swats in, I was openly crying.
At last…I was finding the emotional release that I was in dire need of.
Finally, Daddy set down the tawse and picked up the cane. If you have ever been the recipient of the cane, you know that there is no other searing pain like it. The cane sets a fiery pain across the bottom that is unmatched by other implements. Daddy announced that I was to have five strokes and that I was to count them.
Daddy was serious about this caning. He was determined to help me release the pain I was carrying in my heart.
The first stroke cut across my bottom, leaving a raised welt… I cried out in pain.
The second stroke had me kicking my legs about, fully crying, tears running down my face.
The third stroke came down across the tops of my thighs, eliciting an alarming shriek.
The fourth stroke was placed right across my sit spot. More crying, more tears.
And before he awarded me the final stroke, Daddy reminded me how much he loved me. I began to sob in earnest.
The fifth stroke came and went, and my spanking was over.
After, Daddy held me for a very long time. And then, he began to touch me in all the right places. His warm mouth affixed to my nipple and his fingers fucked me just right…and I exploded right into oblivion, followed by another bout of tears. Daddy took this all in stride.
And I felt better.
I felt lighter; freer. I felt more in control of my feelings. I felt a sense of hope for the future. I felt love.
I understand that it doesn’t work like this for everyone. But I am pretty damn grateful that my husband understands how much emotional release I get from a well-executed, loving spanking. The fact that he knew to give this to me, without my asking… well, damn people. I sure feel like one lucky girl.
I know this weekend was hard, Daddy…but thank you for taking care of me. Thank you for knowing me so well and thank you for being willing to gift me this physical pain to help me release my emotional pain. Your baby girl sure loves you ❤