A sexy self-growth project- 30 days of D/s, part deux (Day 7) 18+, NSFW

Hello, my friends!

Almost four years ago, I participated in the Loving BDSM’s 30 Days of D/s writing prompts and from this experience, I learned a lot about myself and about D/s.  Recently, I embarked on re-reading my former posts and realized that so much of what I have written in the past was either no longer relevant, or, my views on the topics had evolved into something else entirely.  I thought it might be fun to share my before and now posts, side by side.

Also, please note that while I refer to a Dominant as “He” and a submissive as “she” in my writing, this is only done to reflect my own experiences. I do not believe that either role is more inherent to any particular gender.

Keeping it kinky!

XOXO,

nora

Loving BDSM’s 30 Days of D/s – Day 07

What is your communication style? What happens when you try to communicate your thoughts or needs?

January 16, 2021

This is one of my favorite prompts as I am all about clear, direct, and honest communication.  Most texts on communication identify four communication styles, which include passive, passive aggressive, aggressive, and assertive.  I would identify my communication style as “assertive”.  Often, people confuse “assertive” and “aggressive”, believing the two terms can be used interchangeably, but in fact, they are quite different.  The term aggressive is defined as, “characterized by or tending toward unprovoked offensives, attacks, invasion; menacing”.  In comparison, the term assertive is defined as, “the quality of being self-assured and confident”. Those who study communication, will tell you that the three “C’s” of assertive communication are one’s confidence, one’s ability to be clear, and one’s ability to remain in control of one’s self.

I’d like to say that when I try to communicate my thoughts and needs things always go smoothly, but in every exchange with another human, there are two perspectives.  One’s perceptions largely influence how a message is received.  In other words, sometimes, no matter how clear, direct, or honest you are…your message may not be received as intended.  When this occurs, I do my best to employ patience and grace and to explain my thoughts or my needs in a different way, so that the receiver of my message might be able to better understand. 

What I value about my post below, written in 2017, is that Daddy and I’s communication skills have only continued to improve since that time.  This didn’t happen as a happy accident; this was purposeful on both our parts.  We have placed much focus on learning how to more clearly communicate with one another, and we have both done a lot of self-reflection.  For example, I have learned a lot about what is likely to trigger my defensiveness, and Daddy has spent time and energy learning how to really listen and engage, rather than allowing his mind to start formulating his own thoughts while the other person is still talking. 

While our marriage will always be a work in progress (after all, do you ever arrive at the perfect marriage?), it makes me happy to say that by focusing on healthy communication habits we have increased our happiness and marital bliss in spades.  We no longer avoid the difficult conversations…we prioritize them and we work through them. 

And…when it comes to communicating his sexual needs….Daddy grabbing me by the hair and guiding himself into my wanting mouth pretty much tells me all that I need to know 😊

  

---

May 2017

When you have been with someone for a long time, like I have been with Daddy, you most likely have learned the nuances of their particular communication style, verbally and non-verbally.  My Daddy can walk into a room and easily read my mood by what my nonverbal behaviors are saying to him…my posture, my facial expressions, the look in my eyes, etc.  I am one of those individuals who “wears her heart on her sleeve” which to me, means that I don’t attempt to hide my feelings.  I don’t put on a poker face.  If I am feeling it, it is plain as day written all over my face.  Similarly, I can often identify who Daddy is talking to on the phone just by the tone of his voice and how he is speaking to that person.  Time has taught each of us a lot about the other’s communication style.

I also do not struggle with communicating my thoughts and feelings, verbally.  I am a very open person and can share even the most painful of thoughts with perfect strangers, and be receptive to theirs.  I believe that open communication is critical to mental health and if I am feeling it, chances are I’m discussing it with someone…Daddy, my best friend, or even talking it out with myself in my journal.  WordPress has been a wonderful outlet to share and explore new feelings invoked by our D/s lifestyle.

Daddy is very different though.  For much of our relationship, his communication style was very reserved.  He told me that it was hard for him to communicate his feelings prior to D/s because he often felt judged by me.  Just last night, this subject came up and he was expressing to me how our new lifestyle has really changed this for him.  He feels more comfortable sharing his deepest thoughts and feelings and he no longer lives with the constant burden of fear or judgement.  This has been a huge transformation in Daddy’s life, one I am incredibly grateful for and blessed to be a part of.

In reflecting on my communication patterns prior to D/s there have been areas of growth and maturity (thankfully!).  I recognize that there are some situations with people close to me, my closest friends and family, where I used to adopt the need to “one-up” others…feeling that I always had to have the answer, that I always had to be right, that it was okay to interrupt others to share my own stories, etc.  This was a very negative communication pattern (one that reflects an over-inflated ego) that Daddy is helping me to change.  While I strive to be submissive to Daddy in every way, I’ve also found that now I tend to listen more and speak less with every one and I feel that my relationships are benefiting greatly from this.

Now, a fresh element in Daddy and I’s communication style comes in the form of dominating, physical acts.  This often means Daddy’s firm hand communicating to my naked bottom that I have displeased him in some way.  Acts of physical contact such as spanking, hair pulling, a light pat to my bottom in public, are new (and very effective) ways that Daddy communicates his thoughts and feelings to me.  I strongly feel that our experiences with D/s have enhanced our communication patterns both as individuals and within our marriage.