A sexy self-growth project- 30 days of D/s, part deux (Day 6) 18+, NSFW

Hello, my friends!

Three years ago, I participated in the Loving BDSM’s 30 Days of D/s writing prompts and from this experience, I learned a lot about myself and about D/s.  Recently, I embarked on re-reading my former posts and realized that so much of what I have written in the past was either no longer relevant, or, my views on the topics had evolved into something else entirely.  I thought it might be fun to share my before and now posts, side by side.

Also, please note that while I refer to a Dominant as “He” and a submissive as “she” in my writing, this is only done to reflect my own experiences. I do not believe that either role is more inherent to either gender.

Keeping it kinky!

XOXO,

nora

Loving BDSM’s 30 Days of D/s – Day 06

How do you handle conflict now? How do you imagine handling it in D/s? What do you think you’ll need to do differently in a D/s relationship?

January 13, 2021

I will share that over the last few years, my Daddy and I have come a long way with how we handle conflict.  We have grown so much as a couple, partly due to making it through a very difficult period of time together, and partly due to our experiences with D/s.

Those who practice D/s will tell you that open and honest communication is an absolute must.  I also tend to say that communication should be clear and direct.  However, we all know that what is “clear” to one person, is not necessarily “clear” to another, but you get my point.  Communication is essential…try to be as clear, direct, and as honest as you can be. 

Communication is also essential to handling conflict within a dynamic.  Ideally, the Dominant and the submissive will have spent much time in negotiations outlining expectations, rules, boundaries, limits, mode of communication, strategies to resolve conflict, etc…but that doesn’t mean conflict won’t happen.  For me, it is important that the submissive always demonstrates the greatest respect to her Dominant, even when in conflict (especially when in conflict!).  This doesn’t mean that the submissive doesn’t share her opinion or acts like a doormat, but it does mean that she expresses herself respectfully at all times.  In turn, her Dominant should also speak to her with respect and value her opinions and ideas.  Ultimately, a Dominant will decide how a matter is resolved, but I believe that this should be carried out with his submissive’s best interests in mind.    

May 25, 2017

The greatest benefit my husband and I have enjoyed from engaging in the D/s lifestyle is the reduction of conflict in our marriage and new tools to handle conflict when it (inevitably) occurs.  Prior to D/s, we did not handle conflict well.  My approach to conflict was to just “solve” everything myself.  If I couldn’t solve it, then I would blame my husband for whatever it was, because surely it was his fault (please sense my sarcasm here).  My husband’s approach to conflict, and to my style in approaching conflict, was to avoid it.  He used humor a lot to try to lighten the situation, which drove me nuts and produced even more conflict between us.  There were periods in our marriage where we fought, and engaged in conflict, a lot and we were both very dissatisfied with the results.

Living the Dominant/submissive lifestyle and incorporating domestic discipline into our marriage has given us new tools to deal with conflict.  My approach to conflict now is to do my best to look to my husband and trust him to handle whatever the situation is that is producing the conflict.  But, I am not a perfect submissive and sometimes I struggle with this (okay, not just sometimes…this is a great challenge for me).  His approach to conflict now is to first, make sure I am submitting to him properly, and second, talk things out rationally with me.  When we get to that point, where we talk things out rationally, it always turns out good.  But when things get heated between us, this is the time where I am most likely to forget my new role in our marriage and speak disrespectfully to him.  Prior to D/s, I was in the terrible habit of talking down to my husband.  Now, if I talk down to him or if my tone is disrespectful in the slightest, I can expect to be disciplined.  And, I am grateful for that…it is helping me to become a better person and a better wife to my husband.  I cringe when I think back to how I used to speak to him and treat him.  That alone was a huge source of conflict between us…one that our commitment to D/s is eliminating.

I do not think that D/s is a cure-all for all conflict.  However, it has taught us new tools in approaching conflict.  Prior to D/s, any type of conflict typically led to a verbal fight, and sometimes my husband would sleep in our guest room.  I hated those nights.  Now, there is still conflict—conflict is inevitable—but instead of playing the blame game or talking down to one another, we handle it like rational adults.  I am happy to report that in five months we’ve had one fight.  That fight was one of those stupid fights, over something inconsequential.  I was so wound up and was refusing to submit to my husband in the moment.  Believe me, my bottom paid the price the next day.  But, if my husband needs to soundly spank me in order for me to behave like a rational adult, then so be it.  It works for us and we are so much happier.