A sexy self-growth project- 30 days of D/s, part deux (Day 6) 18+, NSFW

Hello, my friends!

Three years ago, I participated in the Loving BDSM’s 30 Days of D/s writing prompts and from this experience, I learned a lot about myself and about D/s.  Recently, I embarked on re-reading my former posts and realized that so much of what I have written in the past was either no longer relevant, or, my views on the topics had evolved into something else entirely.  I thought it might be fun to share my before and now posts, side by side.

Also, please note that while I refer to a Dominant as “He” and a submissive as “she” in my writing, this is only done to reflect my own experiences. I do not believe that either role is more inherent to either gender.

Keeping it kinky!

XOXO,

nora

Loving BDSM’s 30 Days of D/s – Day 06

How do you handle conflict now? How do you imagine handling it in D/s? What do you think you’ll need to do differently in a D/s relationship?

January 13, 2021

I will share that over the last few years, my Daddy and I have come a long way with how we handle conflict.  We have grown so much as a couple, partly due to making it through a very difficult period of time together, and partly due to our experiences with D/s.

Those who practice D/s will tell you that open and honest communication is an absolute must.  I also tend to say that communication should be clear and direct.  However, we all know that what is “clear” to one person, is not necessarily “clear” to another, but you get my point.  Communication is essential…try to be as clear, direct, and as honest as you can be. 

Communication is also essential to handling conflict within a dynamic.  Ideally, the Dominant and the submissive will have spent much time in negotiations outlining expectations, rules, boundaries, limits, mode of communication, strategies to resolve conflict, etc…but that doesn’t mean conflict won’t happen.  For me, it is important that the submissive always demonstrates the greatest respect to her Dominant, even when in conflict (especially when in conflict!).  This doesn’t mean that the submissive doesn’t share her opinion or acts like a doormat, but it does mean that she expresses herself respectfully at all times.  In turn, her Dominant should also speak to her with respect and value her opinions and ideas.  Ultimately, a Dominant will decide how a matter is resolved, but I believe that this should be carried out with his submissive’s best interests in mind.    

May 25, 2017

The greatest benefit my husband and I have enjoyed from engaging in the D/s lifestyle is the reduction of conflict in our marriage and new tools to handle conflict when it (inevitably) occurs.  Prior to D/s, we did not handle conflict well.  My approach to conflict was to just “solve” everything myself.  If I couldn’t solve it, then I would blame my husband for whatever it was, because surely it was his fault (please sense my sarcasm here).  My husband’s approach to conflict, and to my style in approaching conflict, was to avoid it.  He used humor a lot to try to lighten the situation, which drove me nuts and produced even more conflict between us.  There were periods in our marriage where we fought, and engaged in conflict, a lot and we were both very dissatisfied with the results.

Living the Dominant/submissive lifestyle and incorporating domestic discipline into our marriage has given us new tools to deal with conflict.  My approach to conflict now is to do my best to look to my husband and trust him to handle whatever the situation is that is producing the conflict.  But, I am not a perfect submissive and sometimes I struggle with this (okay, not just sometimes…this is a great challenge for me).  His approach to conflict now is to first, make sure I am submitting to him properly, and second, talk things out rationally with me.  When we get to that point, where we talk things out rationally, it always turns out good.  But when things get heated between us, this is the time where I am most likely to forget my new role in our marriage and speak disrespectfully to him.  Prior to D/s, I was in the terrible habit of talking down to my husband.  Now, if I talk down to him or if my tone is disrespectful in the slightest, I can expect to be disciplined.  And, I am grateful for that…it is helping me to become a better person and a better wife to my husband.  I cringe when I think back to how I used to speak to him and treat him.  That alone was a huge source of conflict between us…one that our commitment to D/s is eliminating.

I do not think that D/s is a cure-all for all conflict.  However, it has taught us new tools in approaching conflict.  Prior to D/s, any type of conflict typically led to a verbal fight, and sometimes my husband would sleep in our guest room.  I hated those nights.  Now, there is still conflict—conflict is inevitable—but instead of playing the blame game or talking down to one another, we handle it like rational adults.  I am happy to report that in five months we’ve had one fight.  That fight was one of those stupid fights, over something inconsequential.  I was so wound up and was refusing to submit to my husband in the moment.  Believe me, my bottom paid the price the next day.  But, if my husband needs to soundly spank me in order for me to behave like a rational adult, then so be it.  It works for us and we are so much happier. 

8 thoughts on “A sexy self-growth project- 30 days of D/s, part deux (Day 6) 18+, NSFW

Add yours

  1. I think the being respectful during conflict is what I struggle with the most. Sounding like a broken record once more. I’m an attorney. And when we fight I go at him attorney style. And he goes at me gentle doctor style. And so before d/s it would end in one if not both of us angry or crying. And one if any of us feeling like they won. Now we have a clear outline of how we discuss things. I will NEVER be a doormat. He will always let me voice my opinion. Just now working working on discussing things kindly not viciously arguing.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you for sharing, Grace Marie! I think that learning how to manage conflict better has been one of the greatest changes we’ve experienced through D/s. I used to be pretty feisty when we would argue, subconsciously always more worried about winning than coming to a compromise which worked for both of us. I am grateful that our disagreements look very different now!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Having never been in a real D/s relationship, I wonder how it would work in actuality. In the realm of play and fantasy, my mind always ponders the ideas of discipline, nurture, authority, control, humility, behavior modification, transformation, with a primary focus on the rituals around spanking, and where conflicts are always solvable, endings are always happy. It’s interesting to see how partners use the D/s relationship to resolve real conflict. Your blog is a great resource for that education.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you, franzcoughka! This compliment means so much to me. I love writing about my experiences and the thought that some of these posts might actually be helpful to someone has this girl beaming! I hope that I don’t make it sound like D/s is the “cure-all” for conflict resolution, but it certainly takes the focus off the ego (where many of us get stuck) and onto things like respect, patience, and compromise. And…if all else fails…a good spanking usually helps 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  3. It also helps when you have a wonderful and generous person as a partner who, in her heart, really wants the relationship to work. I’ve always thought of disciplinary spanking as a form of communication that, first of all, delivers a message that forces attention on an issue and expresses in the most tangible way the spanker’s level of concern. Your explanation goes farther in recognizing that D/s sets up conditions that ensure that communication. A spanking, even as a card on the table yet to be played, can’t be ignored and is far too intimate an interaction for partners to be detached. When the conditions of D/s bring you closer together in such intimacy, things have the best chance to get worked out. Taking the focus off the ego appears to be another insight into the dynamic. Can spanking soften the pride that has you stubbornly holding on to a belief that you can’t be wrong?

    I think you’re right again that, while it should not be expected to be a cure-all, if two people buy into their D/s roles, it will resolve many issues that might otherwise remain a source of unwanted conflict and tension.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for such a thoughtful response, franzcoughka! And to the question you posed, I have found that YES… a spanking can absolutely soften the pride that so often gets in the way of a positive outcome 🙂

      Liked by 3 people

  4. I can definitely see you commanding large groups of people…but I also see you kneeling before a key person(s)! You have both grown over the last few years. This growth allows you to communicate better. And that communication fosters more growth! It’s a cyclical process!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for this compliment, my friend! It does feel like we have both grown, as individuals, and as a couple. Smiles… I do long to kneel before the right person(s)… I may have more on that front soon 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

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