Collide- The Story of Us

Last week, I alluded to a recent loss of friendship, which was quite devastating.  As many of you have reached out, I feel it is time to talk about what happened. 

Long-time readers of my blog will know that from 2015- 2018 I suffered some traumatic losses.  My marriage fell apart due to infidelity, my mom died unexpectedly, and then we lost my younger brother to a drug overdose.  This led to my remaining nuclear family completely falling apart.  To top it off, our fourteen-year-old dog died.  She was old, but she was my only support at that time.  I sank into a deep depression.  I stopped working, I stopped advancing toward my degree, and I got lost in a world of my own pain.

Fast forward to 2019 and I was beginning to get my life together, but still struggling with depression on a daily basis.  My husband and I managed to stay together, and we were working on rebuilding our marriage.  D/s played a part in this process for us.  But I still couldn’t manage to free myself of the darkness which had become my new world.  I was operating, I was out in the world doing what I was supposed to do, but I felt like a zombie much of the time.

It was then that I randomly met a man, via my blog, who brought me back to life.

His screen name is Implacable, and he proved to me on several occasions that this moniker is most appropriate.

Implacable and I began to email back and forth daily.  Soon after, he invited his wife to join us, and she and I began to correspond as well.  My husband was fully aware, and supportive, of the frequent emails flying to and from across the globe.  It is hard for me to fully put into words, but the selfless act of giving me their time, day after day, was incredibly healing for me.  They may have been on the other side of the world, but they saw me, the real me, and accepted me.  They believed in me and cared about me.  The two of them became my “safe space” and I could write to either of them about anything.  I was falling in love with their beautiful spirits, and with the way they made me feel.  I was living life again!

I should mention that they believed, and assured me, that I brought benefit to their lives as well.  Implacable had consistently desired a D/s relationship with his wife over the course of their forty years of marriage.  I’m still not entirely sure what role I played, but through writing to me and reading my blog, the two of them finally began to enjoy the dynamic he has craved his entire life.   They have both credited me for the birth of their D/s dynamic, though truthfully, I am unsure that I am worthy of that honor.  But that part doesn’t matter…what mattered is that they were finally living the dream.

2020 came and with it the pandemic.  By this time, we had flirted with the idea of me referring to him as Sir, and that summer, my husband and I asked he and his wife if he would consider formally accepting the role of becoming my Dominant.  We were all aware that Implacable desired more than one D/s dynamic.  He had always thought he might dominate two women and help them both to become the best versions of themselves that they could be, under his firm guidance.

After much negotiation back and forth, and the development of a clearly written contract outlining boundaries on all sides, he accepted the gift of my submission.  I cannot even put into words how exciting this time was for me.  I felt so alive.  We all agreed that a dynamic could not be fully conducted via email, and he, his wife, and I would begin to Zoom together.  While these first few sessions were awkward as we found our footing, by the third session, the magic began to happen.

Unfortunately, while I was thrilled with how things were progressing, he and his wife began to experience some difficulties in their marriage.  She was simply unable to accept him having a second submissive (and you really can’t blame her for this…in her shoes, I wonder if I wouldn’t have reacted the very same way).  I remember receiving his message that evening, stating that he needed to speak to me and that it was urgent.  My heart sank and I knew what was coming. The four of us met on Zoom, Implacable told me our D/s dynamic was over, she apologized, we both cried, and that was that.

We managed to remain friends after that.  At some point, I floated the idea of both of them becoming my Dominants and initially, that created some great excitement.  Implacable decided that I would begin to primarily connect with his wife, with the idea that she and I would need to form a deeper connection should this potential dynamic stand a chance.  She and I began to correspond on a daily basis and became very close.  I became enamored with her and began to refer to her as “my lady”.  At some point in this experiment of ours, she became a motherly figure to me.  We would often text each other in the mornings and evenings, and she lovingly called me her “sweet girl”.  I should mention that the “L” word began to float around.  I remember one particular voice message that the two of them left me, when I was struggling to overcome the Covid virus, where Implacable said “We love you, and we want you to get better.”  I listened to that message over and over again.

I know this might sound strange, as this dynamic was to be one of dominance and submission, but it was around that time that I realized that they were providing me with the emotional support that I had lost when my mom died.  I also began to realize that a D/s dynamic was likely to never happen between us.  We had been at this experiment for several months and it didn’t seem to be moving forward.  So, I simply asked, and they answered… no, a D/s dynamic was simply never going to happen between the three of us.

I cried many tears at the loss of this dream.  But our friendship prevailed!  And then, I made one final request of them.  Apparently, this request was the beginning of the end of our friendship, though I had no idea at the time.

I asked them both if they would consider becoming my mentors, without the power exchange.  Both of them are incredibly intelligent and talented and I felt there was much I could learn from them.  I also made this request because I was afraid, though I didn’t know that then.  I was afraid that I would no longer be their “girl”, or her “sweet girl”, and that without some type of formal connection to them, the whole thing would slip through my fingers like smoke.  They were also assisting me with some personal goals at the time and I thought that if we were “just friends”, this might not continue. 

Implacable immediately accepted my offer and she texted me his acceptance.  I noted that she didn’t accept on her own behalf and asked her about it via email.  She assured me that everything was okay, but that she felt we could talk about the types of things I wanted her to mentor me in just as friends, no formality needed.  She seemed genuine and things continued on as they were before.  Implacable began to help me with some academic research, and she and I continued to message each other every day.

Three days before Christmas I received an email from them titled, “The Final Goodbye”.  In her message, my beautiful lady told me that she couldn’t be my friend anymore, that she needed to protect her marriage, and that my presence in their lives was turning her into someone she didn’t want to be.  With her husband as my mentor, she felt excluded.  Implacable wrote that he supported her decision and said his goodbyes, as well.  Our friendship was over, effective immediately.

Effective immediately.

I don’t know how to impress upon you how much of a shock this email was to me.  These two beautiful people, whom I have so much love and respect for, were suddenly withdrawing their friendship.  As a trio, we had been to hell and back, and I had promised to stand by them, come what may.  They had also promised me that they would never willingly abandon our friendship.

I know this might sound crazy to you, but in many ways, I lost the parental support I lost when my mom died, all over again.  I couldn’t eat, sleep, and I couldn’t get warm for several days.

Christmas was a blur.  My husband and I’s holiday was (obviously) ruined and he did his best to care for me during this time and carry the load of our holiday gatherings.  I will never understand the selfishness of their timing, but please remember… you are only getting my perspective.  For some reason they felt that they had to break my heart that very day, that it could not wait, allowing my husband and I some small joy of the Christmas holiday after a very stressful year.  I honestly don’t know much more than you…as I thought all was well and resolved between all of us.  She hid her unhappiness with me and the situation very well, at least on my end.  I will never understand why she didn’t just say that she didn’t want him to be my mentor.  I would have recanted immediately.  I would never purposefully hurt her.

That was about a week ago now.  I have not heard from them since.  They, and the love that we shared, have disappeared from my life.  My heart is heavy and my eyes ache from all the tears.

I’m trying to focus on the good that came from our friendship.  I learned so much from them and can honestly say that I am a better person for having known them.  My lady is a beautiful example of all that is brave, strong yet soft, and she has a wicked sense of humor.  Implacable is one of the most intelligent men I have ever known, he is the epitome of integrity, and he is capable of the greatest insight.  Theirs is the most beautiful love story. 

I am hoping that time will soften the cruel blow they dealt me at the end.  Despite everything, I won’t ever regret having had the privilege of calling them my dearest friends.

I cannot say goodbye, but I will say…until we meet again.  I will never stop caring for you and wishing you were still in my life.

Faithfully,

Nora

42 thoughts on “Collide- The Story of Us

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  1. This is such a sad story Nora. I can’t pretend to know what you are feeling but I do know the intensity of the sorts of feelings involved in these types of connection. I am glad that you can see the positives in the time and the things that you shared with them and hope that will help you to process what has happened. Take care Nora. Sending hugs. Missy x

    Liked by 4 people

  2. Love doesn’t need to be permanent to be meaningful. Your love and theirs was worth having. That it is now over does not diminish that. Their motivations no longer matter. They gave up the right to be a part of that conversation when they bid you farewell. For now, you should feel the way you are feeling. It is ok to not be ok. It is ok to not be ok for as long as it takes to heal. Hugs

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Thank you for this reassurance, Pelgris. As I have told you before, I believe you to be very wise, my friend. I will do my best to remember that it is okay to not be okay right now and give myself time to heal. Hugs back at you, my friend ❤

      Liked by 3 people

  3. Oh Nora, love I just want to hug you and never let you go right now. This story was heartbreaking. But honey you are strong. So go hug someone. Maybe have some coffee. Then put on your big girl boots and embrace this new chapter. Sawyer and I are rooting for you love. 😘

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, Grace Marie…the first thing I did when I read this earlier, was make a second cup of coffee. And, I will hug my husband tightly tonight and remember how fortunate I am to have his love. My best to you and Sawyer ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Coffee (and a spanking) makes everything better. Get some cuddles tonight. Thank you from sawyer and I. On behalf of sawyer, our puppy and I we’re sending you all the love and hugs you can imagine.

        Liked by 2 people

  4. I am so sorry. I can’t imagine at all.
    Your deep heartache is totally understandable. I’m glad you have people close to you now, and have strength to pull out of your time with them.
    I wish I could do it say something more, but time is all there is. I think, from what you’ve said above, you’ve got your head in the right place. Hugs. ❤️

    Liked by 3 people

  5. I feel for you. Yesterday marked two years since we found my mother dead on her kitchen floor. It was sad, but not tragic as she was ready and her only real goal at the time was to die at home. And, stubborn to the end, she pulled that off. But it’s amazing though, how I still reach for the phone to call her with news and jokes and whatever. There will always be a void where she once was-as with my old man-but that’s good in a way. The ones who go without leaving a mark, weren’t really there anyway. Peace to you and yours.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you for sharing your story, my friend… I am very sorry to hear about your mother. And…agreed…if they do not leave a mark on your heart, they weren’t that important to you. Implacable and my lady will be forever tattooed upon this girl’s heart. Hugs, and happy new year!

      Liked by 2 people

  6. You are an amazing person. So forgiving. So accepting. You show such grace.

    I am angry for you. I don’t care what their reason or their story is. This wasn’t the first time they’ve played with your emotions like this. Who do they think they are? You are a person, with real feelings.

    I’m sorry my friend. I should have your grace and dignity, but all I feel is anger towards them for treating you this way. You are not some toy to be discarded and thrown away, especially three days before Christmas. That’s the least they could have done, was wait until after the holiday, particularly because the holidays are such an emotional time for you due to your past loss.

    Of course she would have evoked those feelings of being mothered, and it must have felt so good after all this time. And then to yank it from you like this…. i think this is upsetting me because as you know I too lost my mom around the same time you did, so I can feel your pain, your joy, your devastation…. I’m just so fucking angry at them for doing this to you, again!!!

    I know you will heal from this. You’re so strong. I’m sending you positive vibes dear Nora. Xoxo

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you for these beautifully supportive words, Miss D. I know that you understand the sharp pain associated with losing one’s mom, and especially how holidays seem to trigger that grief. I have so much love in my heart for the two of them that it is hard for me to say anything critical of them, but… I will never understand how they could discard me in this way. It did not honor the beautiful friendship that we shared, and should it have been my husband that needed me to break things off, I promise you that it would have been handled much differently, with much more emotional support. Breaks up are hard…but they don’t have to be this ugly or painful.
      I will heal and this will serve to make me emotionally stronger.
      And, as an eternal optimist, I know that this door closing…just means a different one will open up in time. I look forward to that and to new adventures in 2021.
      Thank you for being you, Miss D. You never cease to amaze me and I am so glad that I am privileged to witness your journey.
      Much love, my friend ❤
      XOXO
      Nora

      Liked by 2 people

  7. We can’t understand others’ motivations. The timing on this was really poor. This split was likely at her urging. And perhaps could have been prevented by communication between all of you. I’m sending you hugs. I’ll always have your back. Stay safe!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Communication is key, and it was difficult for her at times to articulate her feelings (as it is for all of us at times). A wise person reminded me of the importance of accepting what we cannot change and I am taking this reminder to heart, as I feel it will bring me peace. I feel that I am doing my best to handle this break up with grace and dignity. Thank you for the hugs and the kind words, Michael…and PS… I will always have your back too! (And your front 😉 ). Happy New Year, my handsome friend…much love to you and your Queen ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  8. I am so sorry for all the pain you are going thru esp at this time. How could they be so cruel! Maybe your Work in Progress story is too close for comfort. Hugging you!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You are very intuitive my friend… my story, “A Work in Progress” was written for them. Please know that I know in my heart that they were not intentionally trying to be cruel. I may not understand why they did what they did or how they did it, but I do know that they loved me and that I was special to them.

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  9. Oh Nora, I am so sorry! Sometimes people are so caught up in their own pain, they don’t take the time to realize the pain they are causing. It’s very possible they didn’t realize the impact this would have on your holiday. Perhaps they thought the whirlwind of celebrations would take your mind off their departure and ease the loss. I can only speculate, but I hate the pain you have gone through. I wish
    It’s definitely been a rough year. May 2021 bring you peace and joy.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. You have been through the mill Nora!
    I think the painful losses you have endured – especially the loss of your momma, and the effort it may have taken to restore trust in your marriage meant your relationship with the couple you mentioned was become very real even though it sounds as if it was online and phone and zoom.
    I know at one point when I was very isolated I became intoxicated, entwined, entangled with a guy I had never met for some time I was emotionally dependant on him. It was not just sexual, it was a real emotional bond that was becoming the centre of my life – but one day – he was gone. He did not even explain. He had tried to give me warnings – but in the end – he pulled the plug without a goodbye. I nearly went out of my mind wondering what had happened. To this day, I have no idea. All I could do was pray he was ok.
    As I look back, I see things differently now – maybe I was becoming too much of a responsibility to him. I don’t know. I just thought I was sharing my universe with him and for some time he seemed to be in awe and in love with the inner me. But then he seemed to become tired and warned me that he loved me but he was going to have to write less, it was becoming too big in his life.
    My situation was different from yours – yours sounds more real. But when I read your post it reignited the memories of how it felt.
    I am so sorry for your heartbreak, truly. Although my situation was different, I remember the heartbreak vividly.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Nora, your capacity for love and support will get you through this difficult time and each day will get a little easier. And when one door closes, it makes way for another to burst open! Sending you healing vibes. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Oh Nora love, my heart goes out to you my dear friend. How dare they treat you in such a cavalier fashion at the end, making and breaking promises all the way through. I understand this was always going to be a very finely balanced situation between you all, but after knowing you for only a short time I know you wear your heart on your sleeve, you are a most genuine and openly loving and caring person, so they must have known how much this would hurt you! They have known you so much longer and have a deeper knowledge and understanding of who you are! I’m with Miss D on this one, they were so very wrong to have dealt you this devastating blow so close to Christmas, the wife must have known how she was feeling a lot earlier than they have told you. I am so angry with them right now!
    They were the lucky ones to have had you love them so unconditionally, so openly and trustingly, it is their loss to carry not yours. You can hold your head up and say you treated them with the dignity, love, respect and understanding you felt they deserved, they did not afford you the same and I find that unconscionable.
    Lots of (((((HUGS))))) to you my lovely friend, please don’t take sadness into the New Year with you. Leave it behind in the old crap year and start with a clear mind and heart, they may have hurt you deeply, but you are a warrior heart and you will recover, and you will come back stronger than ever. You are not alone. So many people are here for you, always. Count me in that long list.
    Much love Nora 💖💖💖

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Gemma, my Warrior friend! Your supportive words bring joy to my heart as it is the best feeling in the world to have friends who have your back and reach out when times are tough. But, there is no need to be angry with them, there really isn’t. This was a painful situation all the way around. At this point, I am more concerned with the pain that this caused her, than I am with my own. I miss them both terribly. You must believe that they are incredibly wonderful people. This was a complicated, challenging situation… and, I am a big girl. I knew there was potential for me to be hurt and I threw caution to the wind and jumped in feet first. And, I would do it all over again. I learned so much from them. And, I learned an important lesson about how much it can hurt when a power exchange dynamic, or even just a very dear friendship, is called off. I am going into the new year with open eyes and an open heart. D/s is too deeply ingrained in me to not continue on this journey. I am strong and my heart is already healing. I shared a beautiful friendship with them and I will never regret that. My only regret is that my presence in their lives did not, ultimately, bring them the joy that they brought to me. The way it ended did not honor the connection we shared, but to be honest…is there ever a good way to break someone’s heart? Thank you for being my friend, Gem. I know that you have been to hell and back, and honestly, you are probably one of the strongest people I know. I am very grateful to be able to call you a friend. Let’s make 2021 a fabulous year, lady!!! XOXO…much love to you, Gem ❤

      Like

      1. I hear you, and I bow to your greater understanding of them and their intentions, I just hate that you have been so hurt, like Miss D said, you are so forgiving and generous of nature, I take my hat off to you Nora. We could all learn a lesson from the gracious and understanding way in which you’ve dealt with the situation. We move onward and upward my darling Nora, let’s turn 2021 into a Spank happy naughty year! much love to you and Daddy. 🌟🌟🌟💖💖💖

        Liked by 1 person

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