I read a great post this morning from Joji Sada over at Kink Weekly BDSM that really got me thinking. The theme of the post was the experience of being “under consideration” by a potential Dominant(s). Joji describes being under consideration as “an optional step/stage in the power exchange dynamic process. It can involve petitions, contracts, consideration collars, etc. It is essentially the step before being officially entering into a power exchange relationship”. As an aside, Joji also shared how when under consideration, his Master required him to journal daily. Journaling allowed his Master to see how his thoughts changed over time.
What weighs heavily on my mind this morning regarding the “under consideration” concept are the unintended consequences to the submissive. I can attest to the thrill of this step in the process. Writing up a contract and negotiating the finer points, the on-going back and forth communication between two parties can be exhilarating. But, what happens to the submissive who is considered, but is never taken in?
Obviously, not all relationships or dynamics can be made to work. There are going to be rejected offers and broken hearts. There is going to be self-doubt and feelings of worthlessness.
I would love to hear from others who have endured this process. What was your experience of being under consideration by a potential Dom(s)? What changes did you make in yourself? What sort of compromises were you willing to make? How long did this step in the process last? If rejected, what did you do after to heal yourself?
I am really hoping you will participate… I would love to hear your thoughts.
Much love and in deep reflection,
Nora
Finding Strength in my Submission 
Honestly, I see it as the same stress as when you do anything worth committing too in life. Having kids, buying a house, buying a new car. There are always negotiations, contracts and a waiting game. And there are always times when you are going to be denied.
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Thank you for sharing your thoughts, DaddyWolf. I don’t disagree, but it does feel a bit more intimate and personal than submitting an application for a house or a car.
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I’m thinking it probably shouldn’t be all that different from any other time you’ve (not necessarily you, Nora) been on the verge of something you just know is gonna be all that… and it doesn’t take place. I can understand how this is a rather involved and detailed process but to quote a line from one of my favorite books, “This would be so much better if people weren’t involved!”
As plans come together, there’s always those moments when something will come up that could make the plan unviable but the… minor instances are usually taken care of – but then you get deeper into the plan and details and some major instances show up that aren’t so easily dealt with and the plan either gets stuck or just falls apart. Then comes more conditional stuff – well, if this can be changed or that can be changed we can proceed or, damn it, in situations like this, what has to be changed is you. Sticky moment because the changes required by – let’s call them the other party – might not be changes that your side wants to happen lest it effects major changes in your own dynamic – and usually changes that were originally rejected when y’all put your plan together for this… or anything, to be honest, that has serious meaning to you.
So… now it becomes a matter of rejecting any proposed changes to yourself and the “deal” falling into the cracks or, since this is something you (again, not you) really wanted and needed, making the changes which will most certainly invoke other changes on your side of things and those extra changes might not be seen as favorable or even reasonable.
But I do agree with DaddyWolf and intimacy notwithstanding: You negotiate, bargain, and all that for what you want and for what they can provide – house, car, even having kids – and there’s always the chance and risk that you will be denied for some reason or another. I think that, in this, if you look at this as being “something different” from the other things that can behave like this, well, you might be missing something that could be important. You want and need to get a credit card; you apply, and some little or big thing gets you kicked to the curb: Do you fix whatever it was that got you turned down… or do you say, “Screw this – I don’t need this aggravation!” and just move on or maybe try somewhere else?
In things intimate, yep – don’t know too many guys who haven’t been kicked to the curb by the women they want and need to be intimate with… and no one likes being rejected and no one likes finding out that, as they are, they’re not enough for the other person.
Negotiations fail. Impasses come up and negotiations just break down because the sticking points are deemed to be non-negotiable by one side or the other. Agreeing to disagree and all that. Just how it goes at times. It’s not that they fail so much – it’s what you do IF they fail or even stall. What’s it really worth to you to gain a completed agreement? What are you willing to do in order to get what you want? If you don’t get it, what’s going to be the downside to not having it?
Doesn’t really matter if the negotiation is about the house of your dreams… or it’s about your deepest, most intimate desires and needs. If it goes through – pure bliss! And if it doesn’t, well, that just sucks and the suck level goes higher the more you want/need whatever you were negotiating for. How do you move forward?
You find a way to move forward; you recognize that just because this negotiation failed, it’s not as if there won’t be other opportunities – unless you just give up all hope. You bite the bullet and look at what caused the negotiation to fail and then do whatever you feel must be done so that, if another negotiation is ever in the works, what made the last one fail doesn’t make this one fail – and with the sure understanding that there just might be something new, something you didn’t take into consideration, that might make the deal fall through.
And then, as Bill Cosby said – and before everyone hated him – “You keep running that play until you get it right.” Or you give up trying. Your life and your “kink” aren’t really two separate things – they’re meshed together so one key in this, if I may, is to not think of them as two different things; a failed negotiation for a house or a car isn’t really different from a failed negotiation for your… intimacy. It’s still a negotiation and a failure is still a failure.
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Thank you for your thoughtful response, kdaddy! I think the part that spoke to me most in your response was, “What’s it really worth to you to gain a completed agreement? What are you willing to do in order to get what you want?”. I will spend some time pondering those questions.
And as to the rest…. I’m sorry, but I do not agree with you or DaddyWolf that this feels anything like buying a car, or a house (and, I am also sure it is not anywhere near as emotional or painful as trying to have children and being unable, but I’ve never experienced that myself). If you go to buy a car, and you are rejected due to a poor credit score, you can (over time) fix the problem and put yourself in a better financial position. It is a formula. With the matter of offering your submission to someone(s), putting yourself out there and allowing yourself to be vulnerable, you lose any sort of control. You (obviously) try your hardest to please them and be what they need, but ultimately, they have the power to reject you for any reason. As you pointed out, this is similar to a romantic relationship in which one partner is rejected by another.
What I am really interested in hearing about is what this experience has been for other submissives. I suppose that is a bit of the social science researcher in me coming out to say hello. If I were to apply interpretative phenomenological analysis (IPA) to this concept, I would seek to explore the lived experiences amongst those who self-identify as submissives.
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I really and seriously need to get with WordPress about this formatting failure… I hate it when my writing is made to look sloppy.
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I will assure you that your writing does not look sloppy on this end! But, I am operating on a laptop…does it look different on a cell phone?
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I commented while on my computer and that’s where I’ve been seeing this happening here lately. I’ve mentioned it to WordPress so we’ll see what they have to say about it… but it makes me insane.
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Something I wanted to mention because it’s often overlooked, is that the Dominant is (or should be) also under consideration by the submissive. It should be a period of time for BOTH Dom and sub to consider each other. The sub should also be using that time to determine if he (or she) is the right Dom for them.
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Yes, you make an excellent point, Miss D! I would love to hear more on some of your experiences when you were waiting to be accepted by a Dominant, and, to your point, the process you went through in considering if he/she was worthy of your submission 🙂
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I haven’t really gone through a formal consideration period as a submissive. There was a period of time of getting to know each other, discussing what D/s meant to both of us, what each other’s needs and wants were. And when that seemed to line up, we agreed to a dynamic. That’s how most of my experiences as a submissive have gone.
With Sir L, it was different. We were just supposed to be play partners, no ongoing D/s dynamic outside of play time. However, things between us evolved rather quickly, the connection was instant and stronger than we had both bargained for. The dynamic evolved organically, to the point where I remember just asking him point blank, “so are you my Dom? Because that’s where it feels like things have headed” and he said “yes of course I’m your Dom” and off we went, establishing boundaries and expectations as we went.
I’m not advocating for that, nor am I advocating for the consideration process. It depends on the two involved. What I do advocate in all instances is open, honest, clear and concise communication, by all parties, so each knows where they stand in a relationship. There should never be a question, on either side, of where do I stand. If there is, ask it and get clarification.
As for myself when I was a Domme, I chose a consideration period for both subs that I have had. The length was dependent on how things were developing between us. During the consideration period, I laid down some basic rules and tasks, to assess how they would handle those simple ones, but I was also cognizant of, and let them know that, this was a time for them to be considering me as well, to consider if I was the right fit as a Domme for them. I looked at it as a mutual consideration process, not one sided where the sub had to prove their worth to me as a submissive. I was also proving my worth to them as a Domme. And we would have periodical check ins, where they were free to discuss their feelings on how things were going, what was working, what wasn’t, what could change, what was a deal breaker. We both shared our thoughts on those things.
When the time felt right, I informed them that I had made the decision to lift the consideration and take them on as my submissive. I asked if they were in agreement to that (they were ecstatic about it). And then I set the rules, tasks, protocols I expected of them as my submissive.
Hope this helps! Feel free to ask me anything, you know that xoxo
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Miss D, thank you! It really helped to read about your experiences as a Domme and how you applied the consideration period. Overall, this has been a positive experience for me…but, not knowing how long this stage is going to last is a bit taxing on me emotionally. There are good reasons why my potential Dom(s) are unable to give me a clear time frame, but that doesn’t make it easier. And I promise you, there is a lot of clear and honest communication on both sides. At first, I just wanted it to happen, no matter what… but, as of late, I am starting to evaluate if this is the best situation for me as well (I think some of the sub frenzy is fading). I have a pretty clear idea of what I want from an on-line dynamic, and there are some things that I won’t be able to compromise on. In any case… it really helps to hear from someone who has experienced these things! Remember way back when…when I was the teacher and you were the pupil? My how the tables have turned!!! You are my hero! XOXO~ Nora
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I do remember back then 🙂 and I still learn from you. Xo
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😘
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“The process you went through in considering if he/she was worthy of your submission”
Let me address this as well… even without having gone through a formal consideration process, I still had to consider whether they were the right Dom for me. I tested… I still test Sir sometimes, and he encourages this. Let me explain… for me, I know that I need a firm (yet fair) Dominant. It’s important that I know I can’t get away with things. Because once I realize I can get away with even the small things (a snide comment, a little bend of a rule, etc), my respect starts to diminish. My trust in them as a Dominant who is supposed to look after my mental/physical/emotional well being is tarnished.
I begin to feel I have the upper hand, and I try to take control more and more, until there is no D/s between us, there’s just role play, because I have managed to gain the power.
I don’t want that. So I test at the beginning, a lot, in subtle ways.
I also ask like a ton of questions! Lol I was afraid I was going scare Sir off by the rapid fire questions I had in the beginning, but he liked it, because then he knew I was actually putting deep thought into it, into us, and not making a rash decision.
I ask about their likes, dislikes, fetishes, expectations of a sub, what makes a good submissive for them, what has been their experiences, what has worked/didn’t work with former subs, why did things end, how do they express anger, how do they communicate, what happens if I have a problem or issue with something about them as a Dom, etc etc.
I hope this answered your question 🙂
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Yes, Miss D! You have definitely answered the question and I am most appreciative. I am grateful that the communication between both parties is very honest and very respectful. I have a strong sense that I matter and that my thoughts/feelings matter. But…having no control over the ultimate decision is challenging for me. My Daddy said it might just be the greatest test of my submission… to just wait, and see how things progress….
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Your Daddy is probably correct. Smart man. Xo
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He sure is! He’s my rock❤
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From an outsider POV, it’s an interview between two people considering what could be a very rewarding and fruitful experience. I believe both parties need to interview each other.
It’s one thing to be considered by the Dom, but I’m
Sure the Sub, would have to have a say in the matter….. to me it would be like this is what I am
Looking for do you meet my needs, desires…etc.
I may be way off the planet, but from what I have dabbled in, what I see is the ultimate goal for the couple to be in a loving, accepting, trusting relationship. Just like any other relationship should be.
It’s ok to tell me I am wrong or way off the mark.
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You are most definitely not wrong, Sentinel! I think the goal is definitely to be in a loving, trusting relationship. Being “under consideration” can go on for some time, it isn’t just a single interview. I think it is wearing on me a bit, which is why I raised the topic here on my blog. Was hoping to find out if any other submissives have gone through an extended period of time where they were being considered. Thank you for your comment! You know I always appreciate seeing your name pop up on my blog 🙂
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I certainly would sweep you up in a minute 😘😘
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*blush*
You are too sweet, Sentinel! But, this girl may be more than you can handle 🙂
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I hope so 😘😘
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I really can’t add to what ha been said. I’ve never gone through what you’re asking about. I have had relationships that I’ve hoped for and “interviewed” for (dating). That is the closest I’ve come to this situation.
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Just you dropping by my page and reading my stuff makes me smile, my friend! 🙂
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A smiling Nora is always a good thing. Now I’m imagining you naked outdoors in your back yard and reading my comment while smiling… a perfect image in my mind!!
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LOL….well, it was more naked under a blanket as it is freezing this morning…but, smiling none-the-less!!!
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I’ll take the naked under a blanket… you never know what might pop out! lol 😜😜😜😜
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🤣😂😆
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