I tried to get lost in my WordPress feed this morning.  I was trying to calm the emotions raging in my mind, the questions that continue to smolder.  I stumbled across a post by Semper Dominus, in which he writes, “Being in fear, out of control, feeling shame and doing things that she would never imagine of doing but that she love to do in the end, it’s the ultimate high for her, her drug.”

My mind slowed, and my brain focused for the first time in days.

That’s it.  That is what is happening to me. 

The brief D/s dynamic that I experienced was like a drug.  It was the ultimate high.

I’ll be honest… I have never tried narcotics.  I overindulge in alcohol at times and enjoy a good buzz… but I’ve never wanted to try something that might put me completely out of my mind, or worse, that I might get hooked on.

But here I am, hooked.  Addicted.  Going through withdrawals.

I can’t have what I want.  It’s not something that I can just go and replace.  It can’t be faked.  It can’t be bought.  It is out of my reach now. 

That makes me feel out of control.  It makes me feel weak.  It makes me feel powerless.   It makes me feel small.  It makes me vulnerable.

It also makes me feel angry, an emotion that I am not accustomed to. 

My anger flairs from time to time like most, but it is typically gone quicker than it came about.  I have never been one to hold grudges.  When in self-reflection, if I find anger in my heart, I actively work the issue out to release those negative emotions.  Anger can eat you alive, like many other negative emotions… such as envy, hatred, and discontentment.

The (brief) D/s dynamic that I was privileged to enjoy, was a beautiful thing.  Pure.  Authentic.  A true connection of two unconventional minds.  I want to remember it fondly, focus on the good that came from it. 

It’s over, and I have to accept that.  That’s not easy for a mind like mine.  A mind that typically can solve most problems, figure out some solution.  A mind that races until the problem is solved.  I came up with another solution a few days ago… but I can’t bring myself to present it for fear that it will be the final nail so to speak, the one that drives my friends away.  And, I do want their friendship in my life.

So, I will let the dust settle.  I will focus on the good.  Brick by brick, I will rebuild my own path toward contentment and peace. 

I will remind myself that I am enough. 

13 thoughts on “Withdrawals

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  1. Continue to write whats going through your mind. You could be going through a very bad subdrop on top of everything else. Stay hydrated. Go out for a walk when its not so smokey and hot outside. Do some light exercises to slowy boost up your natural endorphins.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, nuttykitten….this is wonderful advice! I made a commitment to myself to continue my exercise routine and eating healthfully. I was also careful not to drink too much yesterday, despite the party we hosted with friends. My husband was wildly supportive this morning, giving me the release of both pleasure and pain. I am feeling a bit more like myself 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Hello my friend,

    It has been a long time since I visited your page….. I had to take some time away myself to clear my head and it has been too long to not be reading your journey more regularly, I hope you can forgive me, and I am trying to catch up, and look forward to enjoying each and every one of your writings…

    God bless

    Liked by 2 people

      1. I am very well thank you my dear, staying out of harms way as best I can. I pray that you are well
        And safe from all the hideousness that is happening with fires and the like. I missed your tales and adventures greatly. I love your work 💯😍😍

        Liked by 2 people

  3. “I am enough.” Hmm, I’m not sure that’s a good thing or not and some would say that by saying that, you’re settling for less than what you know you want and need. It’s understood; wanting it and getting it ain’t the same things and methinks the worst of it is getting a taste of it… and it goes away… and now there’s the withdrawal. It can make you second-guess yourself, sometimes feel regret, maybe even a bit of “anger” to have been “teased” so nicely only to have Mr. Murphy come along and fuck up all of your wet dreams. And sometimes, we think that we should be happy with what we already have and that nothing more is really needed… but, deep down inside where no one else can see it or even know about it, we know that we need more and, yes, we can be so much more.

    We just don’t know how to get it. Can’t really figure out how to do it. We don’t want to rock the boat or upset the apple cart or anything else that may jeopardize what we already have. It just… sucks to be good at problem solving and find yourself solving the problem at hand but then second-guess yourself and make yourself believe that the resolution won’t be accepted… and you tell yourself that “I am enough…” when you know that you really aren’t. Don’t get me wrong: You always do what you gotta do and for the reasons you have to do it and no one would fault you in this.

    Maybe it’s for the best not to invoke such changes… or not to invoke them at the present time. The good part is that this withdrawal period will pass but I say to you to never give up hope when it comes to being enough for yourself when I know that you know you can be so much more… if given the opportunity to. You never say never.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Well damn, kdaddy. You sure speak your truth as you see it. And, you aren’t wrong. I write “I am enough” because I feel the need to somehow prove that I don’t need the dynamic that I was hoping for. In my heart, it feels like I will never have those needs met, that this was my one opportunity as my husband was able to get on board with this particular situation. But…as you suggest… I will stop saying “never”. While I can’t imagine it today, maybe just the right D/s dynamic will find me. Someone who wants me to open up my mind to them and who I can trust to help me grow as a person. Someone that my husband would be able to trust to do so, without that person trying to bring harm to our marriage. That sure seems like a tall order….

      Liked by 2 people

      1. It’ll only be a tall order if ya make it one. In anything like this, you have to trust and believe in the strength of your love for each other, that’s there nothing that can happen to weaken it and that there’s nothing we can’t do together. We must learn, understand and embrace compersion or your happiness is my happiness… and mean it. Revel in it. Be strengthened by it. Made better by it.

        It’s not the truth as I see it; it’s the truth that I learned the hard way. You and your hubby see the truth, too; otherwise you’d not be in the position to suffer some withdrawal. And I’m not the only one to have been shown the truth or to embrace it. I’m just the one who’ll say something about it and kinks notwithstanding.

        Liked by 1 person

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