I tried to get lost in my WordPress feed this morning. I was trying to calm the emotions raging in my mind, the questions that continue to smolder. I stumbled across a post by Semper Dominus, in which he writes, “Being in fear, out of control, feeling shame and doing things that she would never imagine of doing but that she love to do in the end, it’s the ultimate high for her, her drug.”
My mind slowed, and my brain focused for the first time in days.
That’s it. That is what is happening to me.
The brief D/s dynamic that I experienced was like a drug. It was the ultimate high.
I’ll be honest… I have never tried narcotics. I overindulge in alcohol at times and enjoy a good buzz… but I’ve never wanted to try something that might put me completely out of my mind, or worse, that I might get hooked on.
But here I am, hooked. Addicted. Going through withdrawals.
I can’t have what I want. It’s not something that I can just go and replace. It can’t be faked. It can’t be bought. It is out of my reach now.
That makes me feel out of control. It makes me feel weak. It makes me feel powerless. It makes me feel small. It makes me vulnerable.
It also makes me feel angry, an emotion that I am not accustomed to.
My anger flairs from time to time like most, but it is typically gone quicker than it came about. I have never been one to hold grudges. When in self-reflection, if I find anger in my heart, I actively work the issue out to release those negative emotions. Anger can eat you alive, like many other negative emotions… such as envy, hatred, and discontentment.
The (brief) D/s dynamic that I was privileged to enjoy, was a beautiful thing. Pure. Authentic. A true connection of two unconventional minds. I want to remember it fondly, focus on the good that came from it.
It’s over, and I have to accept that. That’s not easy for a mind like mine. A mind that typically can solve most problems, figure out some solution. A mind that races until the problem is solved. I came up with another solution a few days ago… but I can’t bring myself to present it for fear that it will be the final nail so to speak, the one that drives my friends away. And, I do want their friendship in my life.
So, I will let the dust settle. I will focus on the good. Brick by brick, I will rebuild my own path toward contentment and peace.
I will remind myself that I am enough.