Say something…

It has been a few days since I last heard from my friends across the pond.  I try to focus on my work, but my mind is a continuous reel of all the things that were said, and left unsaid, between the four of us.  I find myself drawn back into our email correspondence… his letter communicating their unhappiness and her inability to tolerate our interactions, and my letter withdrawing my submission and leaving the future of our friendship in their hands.

In his last letter to my husband and I, he wrote, “Since yesterday, I have felt very uncomfortable.  I take a lot of pleasure in having nora submit to me.  I also feel a responsibility to support and nurture her.  I know this is something that is very important to nora and would not happily disappoint her.  But, and it is a big but, my primary responsibility has been and will always be to devote myself to my wife’s happiness.  I know for certain that my wife would very much wish she could have compersion for nora’s and my D/s relationship;  indeed she was initially in that head space, but that is no longer the case and it seems that her tolerance for our interactions has reduced, presumably because she understands fully the implications of what she has observed.  If my wife is upset, that disquiet quickly transfers to me.  I cannot put aside my wife’s negative emotions nor can I stop feeling them myself.  Her happiness is therefore not just a matter of me being loving and caring, it also has a direct impact on my own happiness.  I cannot continue a relationship with nora when she is the cause (unwittingly, I know) of our unhappiness.  I don’t think nora would want that either.”

No, I don’t want that. I never wished to inflict pain on anyone.  But, this wasn’t just my doing!

While it destroyed me to do so, I felt the only honorable thing that I could do in the moment, was to remove myself.  And so, as part of my return letter, I wrote, “It is important to me that you both know that I would never intentionally cause either of you a moment of unhappiness.  Reading through the part of your most recent letter- the part from your wife- where she wrote that she fears getting my emails, broke my heart.  It appears that I have long overstayed my welcome, and that without meaning to, I have trespassed upon what belongs to your wife once again.  I am very sorry.”         

And, the hardest words to say were, “Implacable…I must, regretfully, withdraw my submission.  I know that we are not in a contract, even a temporary one, but despite that… I continued to freely offer my submission to you in the hopes that we could reach some sort of agreement that would work for all of us.  I think it is pretty clear that is not going to happen, even in a limited capacity.  Please consider Pandora’s Box closed.  I will not encourage your dominance, I will refrain from calling you Sir, and I will not in any subtle or overt way communicate that I am behaving in some way to please you.” There, I said it…the words that break a submissive…

I am finding that journaling about these experiences, as short-lived as they were, is cathartic.  You have all been so supportive of my journey, but please do not feel that you need to continue with the “I’m sorry’s”.  I will be okay.  I have survived much worse than this.  Every storm in my life has made me stronger, and this will be no different.  One more scar to add to my collection.  Sometimes, when we feel pain, it may serve as a reminder that we have lived. 

In deep reflection,

nora

This song depicts a relationship that was much deeper than ours, but there is sentiment here that reflects some of my emotions. I have to give up now, and I have to say goodbye to that chapter. I won’t be the cause of anyone’s unhappiness.

17 thoughts on “Say something…

Add yours

  1. That is a heartbreakingly good song and exactly what I thought of when I saw the title.
    As to sorries, it’s not need really, more compassion. We have all, in one way or another, stood in that place where an envisioned future of joy has been cut short. And if we are honest we are thinking, in that moment, nothing that was said made things better. But.. That something was said felt better than silence. So, I will always respond. I cannot abide silence. It’s more painful than the blade.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for this response, Pelgris. I guess I said that because I don’t want anyone feeling sorry for me. This was a painful blow, but I have been blessed with a very beautiful life and loving husband. This whole thing has made me feel a bit like the girl from Willy Wonka that stomps her feet and says, “I want it now”, when she already has so much. Never silence your voice…your words are incredibly meaningful and powerful. I will always be your faithful reader😊

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I would reply that your fortune does not mitigate your pain. That you are allowed to feel whatever you are going to feel and to try not to let yourself fall into that trap of “its not so bad because I have” x. But it’s hard to do that in the moment, I know.

        Liked by 2 people

  2. In some respects you remind me of the captain going down with his ship. Dependable and responsible to the bitter end. But that isn’t a bad thing. Not at all. If nothing else, this has shown you how much you are cared for by this community. And it’s always nice to know we are loved. Stay safe my friend. Hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am not sure anyone has ever given me a better compliment, Michael. It took me awhile to grow up, but since my mid 30’s my goal in life has been to live my life with the greatest of integrity. Dependable and responsible may not be the sexiest of adjectives, but I’ll take em’! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Writing it out is indeed the way to purge the poison that the hurt is to our souls. Sometimes I find just putting it down in black and white helps me recognize and name my feelings. Healing from the journey of submission to another that’s been rejected, even for the best of reasons, is so hard because the submission comes from the deepest part of you. I think losing the friendship PLUS the Dom made my situation that much more painful. I miss the laughing and interactions that were just loving. The abrupt cut off made and still makes me feel a bit unworthy. And that’s silly, because as you, I have an amazing Dom and husband at home. Giving myself permission to miss him and mourn what could have been has helped. Allowing myself to be mad was also healthy. For us, a year has passed since we embarked on our journey. Thanksgiving will mark a year of the loss. I’m at a point now where I can recognize that this changed me and be ok with that.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. wildwestangel….thank you for this heartfelt response. You are so right…. my submission did come from the deepest part of me. Thank you for sharing more of your journey with me. Sending you love and hugs ❤

      Liked by 1 person

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