For the last few weeks, I have been on an emotional roller coaster. The highs have been the intoxicating kind, that leave you trembling and in frenzy. The lows have been the heartbreaking kind, where it feels that you will never be right again.
This is that kind of low.
To make a long (lifechanging) story short, despite the first set back, my husband and I have been contemplating my submission to another Dominant. The four of us- Daddy & I, and he and his wife- have been communicating on a very regular basis. Our email exchanges go to all four parties so that everything is said with 100% transparency. We live on different continents, so there has never been any thought of actually meeting, but to carry out the dynamic using various modes of technology.
In any case, I received an email from him yesterday, communicating that his wife was unable to handle his dominating another woman (me). He is also her Dominant. The two parts of his email that stood out, piercing my heart, were her comment that while she once enjoyed corresponding with me, she now “fears getting my emails” because of how they make her feel, and his suggestion that perhaps a “clean break” would be easier. Nothing was definitive, but he was communicating to us the pain being experienced in his household and that something had to be done.
This is the second time he’s had to call things off. I cannot express to you how much I admire his integrity in taking care of his spouse’s emotional wellness above all else. I know that, like many of us here, he has experienced lifelong needs to engage in D/s, to exert his power over another, and to make little girls (such as myself) suffer for his pleasure. I don’t fault him or her at all. He has always said that her needs come first, and that only lifts him higher in my eyes.
But…where does that leave me? All of California (my home state) is up in flames, and now it feels that my world is too. The air outside is so smokey it is hard to breathe, but inside my home, I am emotionally choked up as well. I cannot seem to escape this pain. I will be eternally grateful for my husband’s support during this time. He held me last night and let me cry it out. His strength during this is nothing short of amazing.
After receiving his letter, I had to do something. I had to take back some of my power, because these two people who I care about very much, were trampling all over my affections. I know in my heart that they care for me, but my needs take a backseat to their own. I walked into this dynamic knowing that…but experiencing it, well, that is a whole other story. I feel like I don’t matter.
I wrote to him, telling him that I had to withdraw my submission. While we were not currently in a formal contract, more this “in between” stage where we were trying to figure out new rules that would work for everyone, I was still very much submitting to his every suggestion. I needed to take back my power and try to protect myself…but doing so…has left me shattered.
He did not respond to my letter. Perhaps he is letting the dust settle, perhaps he is enacting the “clean break” he suggested. But my heart broke all over again this morning when I checked my email and there was no word from him. How could something that was so meaningful to me just be over?