The flames are getting higher now

For the last few weeks, I have been on an emotional roller coaster.  The highs have been the intoxicating kind, that leave you trembling and in frenzy.  The lows have been the heartbreaking kind, where it feels that you will never be right again. 

This is that kind of low.

To make a long (lifechanging) story short, despite the first set back, my husband and I have been contemplating my submission to another Dominant.  The four of us- Daddy & I, and he and his wife- have been communicating on a very regular basis.  Our email exchanges go to all four parties so that everything is said with 100% transparency.  We live on different continents, so there has never been any thought of actually meeting, but to carry out the dynamic using various modes of technology. 

In any case, I received an email from him yesterday, communicating that his wife was unable to handle his dominating another woman (me).  He is also her Dominant.  The two parts of his email that stood out, piercing my heart, were her comment that while she once enjoyed corresponding with me, she now “fears getting my emails” because of how they make her feel, and his suggestion that perhaps a “clean break” would be easier.  Nothing was definitive, but he was communicating to us the pain being experienced in his household and that something had to be done.

This is the second time he’s had to call things off.  I cannot express to you how much I admire his integrity in taking care of his spouse’s emotional wellness above all else.  I know that, like many of us here, he has experienced lifelong needs to engage in D/s, to exert his power over another, and to make little girls (such as myself) suffer for his pleasure.  I don’t fault him or her at all.  He has always said that her needs come first, and that only lifts him higher in my eyes.

But…where does that leave me?  All of California (my home state) is up in flames, and now it feels that my world is too.  The air outside is so smokey it is hard to breathe, but inside my home, I am emotionally choked up as well.  I cannot seem to escape this pain.  I will be eternally grateful for my husband’s support during this time.  He held me last night and let me cry it out.  His strength during this is nothing short of amazing.

After receiving his letter, I had to do something.  I had to take back some of my power, because these two people who I care about very much, were trampling all over my affections.  I know in my heart that they care for me, but my needs take a backseat to their own. I walked into this dynamic knowing that…but experiencing it, well, that is a whole other story.  I feel like I don’t matter.

I wrote to him, telling him that I had to withdraw my submission.  While we were not currently in a formal contract, more this “in between” stage where we were trying to figure out new rules that would work for everyone, I was still very much submitting to his every suggestion.  I needed to take back my power and try to protect myself…but doing so…has left me shattered.

He did not respond to my letter.  Perhaps he is letting the dust settle, perhaps he is enacting the “clean break” he suggested.  But my heart broke all over again this morning when I checked my email and there was no word from him.  How could something that was so meaningful to me just be over? 

33 thoughts on “The flames are getting higher now

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  1. It’s a hard thing to do and experience. Feeling less than in a dynamic which is supposed to elevate is not a good thing. Recognizing that and acting on it takes strength. I hope things get better

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Pelgris,
      I know you are right. When it was working, I felt very elevated and supported. But… when and how it ends… it does make me feel less than and small. I know things will get better. I can’t help but hope we could still make it work, but that is so out of my control. I might be a bit of a masochist for physical pain…but not emotional pain. Thank you for your support ❤

      Liked by 3 people

  2. I’m so sorry you are going through thia pain. And I know you said you are not angry at him or her, but I am angry for you. Its not right to play with your emotions like that. And another thing, it is his lost.

    Have you and Daddy thought of finding a local female Domme to meet your submissive needs? Non sexual. And the fact that she is female, may be easier for your Daddy to live with? He could even be a part of it, observing how she Doms you, and take part when appropriate.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. He’s really not playing with my emotions, Miss D. We’ve been friends for about a year now. He loves his wife very much (they’ve been married 40 years). He’s always wanted to engage in this lifestyle, and from reading my blog, the two of them finally engaged in a D/s relationship. One of his fantasies is to have more than one submissive serve him. She was totally on board with things until it actually got started. She wanted to give it a second chance, but she just can’t deal with sharing him. I totally get it. So…there really isn’t any anger. But… it does hurt, and it does feel like a loss.
      I’ve never entertained the idea of finding someone in person. A female would definitely be easier for my husband to accept, but I’m not sure that would really do it for me. Ideally, my husband would be my full-time Dom. He excels in so many areas, but the mental control stuff is where he struggles. He just doesn’t think that way. He is great at carrying out a scene that I plan out. But…you and I both know that it is the unexpected that is thrilling and puts you into subspace….

      Liked by 4 people

  3. Big time bummer… but the first rule of alternative relationships is: Take care of home first and that’s the rule that should never be compromised or violated. It just sucks to get your hopes up, to feel the excitement of a new adventure… then find out your “vehicle” has four flat tires, no spare, and no immediate way to fix them. I think the concept of “no contact D/s” – or should it be called LDD/s – is a novel one. Or would it be “enforcement by proxy?” I dunno – I just find doing anything like this from a distance to be interesting and very challenging.

    One of my former “poly wives” lived exactly 181.2 miles from the rest of the family and the question I got asked was, “How is this gonna work with her being that far away?” My first response was, “I don’t know… yet. But I’ll figure out how to make this work for all of us.” And I did. And it was fun and that included traveling to our respective homes and even maintaining the “schedule” we worked out. Well, um, until things would get hectic and me, of all people, would forget where I was supposed to be! I’d come home from work and someone would ask, “Why are you here? Aren’t you supposed to be on the road?” or, one day, I was geared up and ready to hit the road and got asked, “Where are you going? She’s gonna be here this weekend! You got a business trip you didn’t anyone about?”

    Stuff like that. There were some… jealousies that had to be worked out and that part wasn’t even close to being easy but the commitment to make this work for us all remained strong and we got over the initial bumps in the road.

    And it’s a reminder of sorts to always check your “vehicle” before heading out on an adventure…

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I love your car metaphor, kdaddy! This D/s dynamic definitely has flat tires with no spare! One of the premises of our proposed long-distance dynamic was that he and my husband would work together to some degree. If physical discipline was required, he would let my husband know, and my husband would carry it out. Maybe a little unconventional (who are we kidding here…all of this was unconventional) but I think it could have worked.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Well, that’s the only way it could work, right? But I can see how the other guy’s wife would feel about it – you’re getting attention that should be hers alone… and it’s not easy fixing this particular flat tire with the really bent rim. You think that if this was a… mutual D/s arrangement – your Dom is also her Dom by proxy, well, that would work… and probably not because she can’t get her head around her husband’s involvement with you even if not directly so.

        Logic,mischief as it is, can’t work well here: Pointing out to her that it’s not like her hubby is being all Dom with you up close and personal – she knows this – but she’s already feeling like she’s being left out and/or losing something in this arrangement – and that’s 100% of her husband’s attention.

        And if he can’t convince her that this is a benefit to the both of them and that their relationship will be much better for it, not only will the tires remain flat… but now the engine block is cracked. Can this be fixed? Yes. Can he fix it? Who knows?

        Liked by 1 person

        1. It’s funny you mention that, because my husband and I were wondering the other day…what is in it for her? It’s pretty obvious what it is in for he and I. And, my husband gets a few things out of it as well… the benefits of my increased sexual arousal, the benefits to our own D/s of my increased submissiveness, the pressure taken off of him to try to Dom me 24/7, and the benefit of seeing how someone with a little more experience does it. He has to contend with the jealousy part too, which wasn’t a piece of cake for him either…but he was willing to give it a 30 day trial to see if the benefits out weighed the costs. But… it’s hard to see what is in it for her. She obviously wants to please him and give him everything he wants, but that wasn’t quite enough to get her through the jealousy. I thought about suggesting that they co-Dom me, so she would feel totally involved, but I’m not sure he would go for that. And, it really doesn’t solve the problem. If you have any suggestions on what possible benefits she might get out of this experience, please do share. I know you have a lot of experience in, shall we say, unconventional relationships 🙂

          Liked by 1 person

          1. Actually kdaddy….scratch that…. I feel like talking about their marriage is a bit disrespectful, and off limits. It is up to them to decide if there is benefit in all of this for her. And, they’ve pretty much already decided. Me going on and on about it here is just me acting like a petulant child, not getting what she wants.


          2. Well… ask her. A lot of people kinda forget that this ain’t just about them – it’s something that’s gonna affect both people. What, if anything, do they want or expect for giving their blessing? And, “Whatever makes you happy, dear…” isn’t what I call a good return on investment – but it could be.

            Maybe he “failed” to get into what’s in it for her or to ask what she might want, I.e., to have your Dom do his thing with her via her husband. Women… shit… women are funny about anything that will take her man’s attention off of her and more so if another woman is involved… and even at a distance.

            I’d ask her, “What would you like in this? Not so much as what it will take to get your approval… but what do you want and need?” I’d even point out that her involvement is, truthfully, not only needed but could be of benefit to her… but provided your Dom is willing to, well, Dom her up and her husband carries it out in his stead. Again, makes sense but logic always fails in the face of strong emotional objections.

            Ask her and by this I mean YOU ask her – have a girl to girl talk about this; not about what it would mean to you but, well, if there’s anything she thinks she can get from this, let’s talk about and and see if she can be more included as well as trying to calm her fear of loss… which is what you’re dealing with.

            There aren’t too many things that feels worse than taking one for the team and/or feeling left out – and this, IMHO, is to be avoided at all costs. More often than not, women wind up being the final determinative voice in these things and what she says is law and the way it’s gonna be. Her way or no way. Guys? We can be like that, too, but sometimes logic works with us

            What’s in it for us? What am I gonna get out of this? Do you even have an idea what might make me more… agreeable? Convince me. This might work with us… not so much with other women, not that they can’t be logical but women are more likely to say, “Yeah, but…” – they understand what you’re saying… but.

            I might even point out that while this is a great adventure and experience for me, it really would be better if she could and would share it with me – and you’d better mean it, too. You almost have to woo and court her and convince her that this just ain’t about you and her husband but everyone can benefit from this.

            You won’t ever know unless you ask her and you should because you really do need to know. These situations are a management issue – time management, conflict and problem resolution as well as being a very major communication issue as well… and I think you may know a little somethin’ somethin’ about these skills, yes?

            And if you don’t, now’s a good time to take a crash course in them if this is something you really want and need to do. The hardest part? Not being able to be face to face when discussing this because body language can say a lot more than words alone.

            Liked by 1 person

            1. Thank you for this reply, kdaddy. I think you provide a lot of valuable ideas here, including that she and I probably should have had a conversation (not just through her husband). There were some emails after the first debacle, but it should have happened before this even started. And, we all should have asked her…what is in this for you, to try and make it worth it for her. And, to better include her. I think it’s too late now. Even if I were willing to try again, I’m pretty sure they are done… it’s just caused too much stress and unhappiness in their marriage.


              1. It may be too late… or it may not be. You always want to work with known facts over supposition or assumption. And it begins, I think, by asking her if YOU and her can talk about this and, honestly, because you did wonder what, if anything, is in it for her and acknowledge that she should have been asked before any real planning started. Could go a long way, could be closing the barn door after the cows have gotten into the wind already.

                If nothing else, you need to know what her objections are and learn from them – and I’d say you and your Dom should both learn from this. It’s only impossible if you don’t try to do it. Failure is always a possibility… but cannot ever be an option.

                Liked by 1 person

  4. Nora, I’m so sorry your hurting! ♥ The loss of Dom is never easy… no matter the circumstances. I’ve been in a similar situation and my heart was shattered for quite some time. Give yourself permission to do radical self care. Lean into your Daddy. I”m tearing a bit for you. I understand not being angry. Hurt is the more honest emotion. You’ll be ok. Big hugs!

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I’m so sorry Nora! It’s interesting that she can’t handle sharing her husband when he would never actually come into contact with you. I do get your huge disappointment. Please remember how important you are to so many people. You are not small or insignificant. As Ms D suggests, it is their loss. I know he’s your friend but I think he has been a bit of a jerk in this. The first time he bailed us understandable but he should have worked things out with his wife before starting a second time. To bail a second time isn’t ok. I send you hugs. If this is meant to happen, you will find someone else. Count on it!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your words of support, Michael…they are very much appreciated during this time. Please believe me, he really is not a jerk. He was doing everything he could to try to make this work for both our dynamic, and with his wife. We hadn’t even fully committed to a second trial…we were still figuring out a more limited, restricted dynamic to help her feel more comfortable when she realized that she wasn’t even comfortable with us instant messaging. She is a very, very sweet person and she has loved him well for 40 years. And, in the last year or so, she has begun to submit to him for the first time. I totally get her jealousy. Their marriage had been totally revamped and the flame rekindled….and then here I come, wanting to have some of that for myself. He has been as kind as he could through this, while firmly telling me that his wife comes first. But…it still hurts, a lot. Not hearing from him, and not being sure if that means that even our friendship is over is hard. I do know that he is very methodical. He is probably trying to figure out if we can really be “just” friends, without the D/s undertones. In any case…having the support of my WordPress community means so much during these emotional times. Thank you 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

        1. Thank you, Michael. I don’t like hurting either…but, I did walk into this with my eyes wide open. I’m a grown woman… I knew the risks. I wish that somehow she wouldn’t she me as a threat… but, I’m not her. I would never intentionally hurt her or trespass in an area that she declared off limits.

          Liked by 1 person

  6. I hate that you are hurting. It’s a very difficult situation to be in, and I don’t know if there is any clear means of protecting everyone. When one person isn’t comfortable with the situation, someone is going to be hurt. Not intentionally, but either the person who isn’t comfortable, or the others who have to cut ties. It’s a no-win situation, and I am sorry that you are experiencing it. I hope, once everyone has had the chance to settle and heal, you all will move forward with friendship. And, I hope you will find a Dominant who is capable of giving you power exchange you crave. *hugs*

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, HeartsHope! I am hoping to salvage our friendship, but that ball is completely in their court. I know he worries that he and I may not be able to communicate without accidentally slipping into our respective D/s roles with one another. He may have a valid point… time will tell. In the meantime, I am very lucky to have a Dominant at home that loves me. We may not have the exact power exchange that I need, but we do have something pretty special. What I would have shared with Implacable would have just been an added bonus to an already happy dynamic. I wish it could have been that way for them too.

      Liked by 1 person

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