Taste of my tears…

This is not the blog post that I thought I would be writing this morning.  I had hoped to introduce a great man to my readers, Implacable, the man whom I would now submit to, alongside my husband.  Notwithstanding yesterday, this week was one of the most incredible experiences of my life.

After the negotiation phase, and a commitment by all parties involved to give this D/s dynamic a go (me, Daddy, him, and his wife), the real journey began with the most awkward phone call you can imagine.  A Dominant, and a hopeful submissive who was so nervous she could barely breathe (that’s me!), joining on the phone, oceans apart.  We’d been corresponding for a year as friends, and yet… hearing his voice, and his lovely wife’s voice, changed everything for me.  The second call was a bit easier (at least I found my voice this time!), but we still mostly focused on introductions and pleasantries.  The third call…that is where the magic began to happen.

Sir found his footing, I had found my voice, and we began to discuss the D/s dynamic we were entering into.  The first time he mentioned “consequences” a thrill shot through me like nothing I’ve ever felt.  Assignments were given, rules were set, consequences laid out, and he explained to me how he was less interested in disciplining me (though, if I broke the rules there definitely would have been strict discipline) and more interested in the gift of my pain.  What he meant by this was he wanted me to submit to spankings not because I had done anything wrong (in fact, he assured me that my behavior had been quite satisfactory) but because he wanted me to choose to suffer under the cane for his pleasure.  While this would be something new and foreign for me to experience, I readily agreed.  I was more than willing to follow wherever he would lead.  He explained to me that he would be emailing my husband and outlining what he would like to happen (as we live on different continents, my husband agreed to carry out any physical discipline that Implacable requested).  This session would include dressing up for him and submitting to six painful strokes with the cane.  We would then speak directly after.

I’m not entirely sure what happened after this life changing conversation.  I say life changing, at least for me, because he had already begun to change my life… I was happier, I was abiding by boundaries he put in place that were contributing to better health and wellness, I felt safe and cared for, and my need for this type of dynamic was finally being met (after a good 25 years of fantasizing about it).  But, and this is where it is still foggy for me, something happened on his end.

Yesterday, I received a message from him that he needed to speak to me and that it was urgent.  Implacable doesn’t act on a whim, so I immediately knew the moment that I read his message, that this was coming to an end.  My husband and I came inside and logged on to Zoom to meet with him.  He explained that his wife was having a difficult time with our arrangement, that she felt jealous, and that he must honor the commitment he made to her to call this off if it all became too much.  She tearfully came on the line and apologized, and hearing her voice broke my heart.  She owes me no apologies.  All four of us agreed that we would call this off immediately if it were to negatively impact either of our marriages.  I know that I tried to say something supportive, but I really can’t recall the words.  My heart was breaking as the new world we had built came crashing down around me.  And then, as quickly as he came into my life as my Dominant, he was gone.

I know what you are thinking…it had only been a week!  Stop being so dramatic.  And, you are probably right.  But this meant something to me.  Similar to many of you, I have craved this lifestyle my entire adult life in some form or another.  My husband gives me what he is capable of, which is probably more than I deserve.  But, he knows and accepts that he lacks the organization and the consistency to give me the type of dynamic that I truly long for.  My husband is great with the physical stuff….he dominates me physically in the bedroom and he gives me pain when I need it.  But he isn’t inclined to set rules and ensure that I am following them.  And, when it comes to things such as diet, exercise, laying off the booze…he has about the same amount of willpower as I do, so he can’t help me that way.  When Implacable and I met by happenstance, it seemed the appropriate solution for both parties.  We could enjoy a D/s relationship, long distance, with no hope or agenda of ever meeting in person.  We could stay true to our spouses, yet, also get our unconventional needs met.  We would not be sleeping together, hell, we wouldn’t even be discussing sex (as decided in negotiations).  His need to control another would be met, and my need to submit to his strong will would be met.  It seemed like the perfect solution.

Well, it wasn’t.

After the heartbreaking phone call, I cried a lot.  My husband held me and commiserated with me.  He promised to try harder to give me what he’d never been able to give me before, and I love him for that.  He is the sweetest man and I don’t know what I did to deserve him.  Then, I picked myself up off the floor, dried my tears, and wrote a letter to my dear friends.  I wanted Implacable and his wife to know that I hold no regrets and that, despite the outcomes, I would not change a thing.  In just three phone sessions, he changed my life for the better.

And now… I am going to do what I need to do.  I need to express the depth of my pain, and I did not do this on the phone with them, nor did I write it in the email that I sent to them.  But here it goes…I deserve to get to say my piece, no matter how unfair it might be or how immature…

The little girl inside me feels quite lost right now, Implacable.  How could you abandon me so soon?  You know that I need what you were giving me.  And now, I’ve been discarded, like I meant absolutely nothing.  Like my submission meant nothing.  I threw myself into this 100% and was willing to do whatever was required to please you…and yet, here I am…left to pick up the broken pieces without you to guide me.  You requested that I share everything…the hardest parts of myself, the humiliating parts of myself… and I did that for you.  How could you let me do that?  How did you not see this coming?  Why couldn’t you have protected us all better?  My only recourse is to hurl my pain at you, to lash out with hurtful questions, that I know you cannot answer.  And yet, I also long to come to you, on my knees, and beg you to somehow make this right and…to come back to me.  Please, show me mercy, Sir.

There, I said it.  I really don’t feel any better for it.  And, I’m sorry for my unkind, and desperate words, Sir.  Despite my pain, I know you deserve better.  I just need to feel that my pain matters too.

One thing that I know for certain is the world will right itself again.  No matter how hard I cry myself to sleep, the sun always comes up the next day.  I will let the sun shine on my life, and put myself in the hands of fate.  I will be happy in the knowledge that he did the right thing, and I cannot express enough how much I admire his integrity.  He has the sweetest wife, with whom he has shared a lifetime, and she deserves nothing less.  While I might be lost in my own pain, I recognize that hers is greater, and I can only hope that over time she will forgive the pain that my needs (and his) caused her.

I share with you this music video, called “Silent Lucidity”, by Queensryche.  It is a song that my husband introduced to me, and I must brag that it is quite possible that he sings it better that the group that performs it.  In any case, this song will always remind me of the experiences I had this week.  There is something about the sound of this song that touches me deeply.

Silent Lucidity by Queensryche 

 

Stay true to yourselves, my friends.

Love, nora