Taste of my tears…

This is not the blog post that I thought I would be writing this morning.  I had hoped to introduce a great man to my readers, Implacable, the man whom I would now submit to, alongside my husband.  Notwithstanding yesterday, this week was one of the most incredible experiences of my life.

After the negotiation phase, and a commitment by all parties involved to give this D/s dynamic a go (me, Daddy, him, and his wife), the real journey began with the most awkward phone call you can imagine.  A Dominant, and a hopeful submissive who was so nervous she could barely breathe (that’s me!), joining on the phone, oceans apart.  We’d been corresponding for a year as friends, and yet… hearing his voice, and his lovely wife’s voice, changed everything for me.  The second call was a bit easier (at least I found my voice this time!), but we still mostly focused on introductions and pleasantries.  The third call…that is where the magic began to happen.

Sir found his footing, I had found my voice, and we began to discuss the D/s dynamic we were entering into.  The first time he mentioned “consequences” a thrill shot through me like nothing I’ve ever felt.  Assignments were given, rules were set, consequences laid out, and he explained to me how he was less interested in disciplining me (though, if I broke the rules there definitely would have been strict discipline) and more interested in the gift of my pain.  What he meant by this was he wanted me to submit to spankings not because I had done anything wrong (in fact, he assured me that my behavior had been quite satisfactory) but because he wanted me to choose to suffer under the cane for his pleasure.  While this would be something new and foreign for me to experience, I readily agreed.  I was more than willing to follow wherever he would lead.  He explained to me that he would be emailing my husband and outlining what he would like to happen (as we live on different continents, my husband agreed to carry out any physical discipline that Implacable requested).  This session would include dressing up for him and submitting to six painful strokes with the cane.  We would then speak directly after.

I’m not entirely sure what happened after this life changing conversation.  I say life changing, at least for me, because he had already begun to change my life… I was happier, I was abiding by boundaries he put in place that were contributing to better health and wellness, I felt safe and cared for, and my need for this type of dynamic was finally being met (after a good 25 years of fantasizing about it).  But, and this is where it is still foggy for me, something happened on his end.

Yesterday, I received a message from him that he needed to speak to me and that it was urgent.  Implacable doesn’t act on a whim, so I immediately knew the moment that I read his message, that this was coming to an end.  My husband and I came inside and logged on to Zoom to meet with him.  He explained that his wife was having a difficult time with our arrangement, that she felt jealous, and that he must honor the commitment he made to her to call this off if it all became too much.  She tearfully came on the line and apologized, and hearing her voice broke my heart.  She owes me no apologies.  All four of us agreed that we would call this off immediately if it were to negatively impact either of our marriages.  I know that I tried to say something supportive, but I really can’t recall the words.  My heart was breaking as the new world we had built came crashing down around me.  And then, as quickly as he came into my life as my Dominant, he was gone.

I know what you are thinking…it had only been a week!  Stop being so dramatic.  And, you are probably right.  But this meant something to me.  Similar to many of you, I have craved this lifestyle my entire adult life in some form or another.  My husband gives me what he is capable of, which is probably more than I deserve.  But, he knows and accepts that he lacks the organization and the consistency to give me the type of dynamic that I truly long for.  My husband is great with the physical stuff….he dominates me physically in the bedroom and he gives me pain when I need it.  But he isn’t inclined to set rules and ensure that I am following them.  And, when it comes to things such as diet, exercise, laying off the booze…he has about the same amount of willpower as I do, so he can’t help me that way.  When Implacable and I met by happenstance, it seemed the appropriate solution for both parties.  We could enjoy a D/s relationship, long distance, with no hope or agenda of ever meeting in person.  We could stay true to our spouses, yet, also get our unconventional needs met.  We would not be sleeping together, hell, we wouldn’t even be discussing sex (as decided in negotiations).  His need to control another would be met, and my need to submit to his strong will would be met.  It seemed like the perfect solution.

Well, it wasn’t.

After the heartbreaking phone call, I cried a lot.  My husband held me and commiserated with me.  He promised to try harder to give me what he’d never been able to give me before, and I love him for that.  He is the sweetest man and I don’t know what I did to deserve him.  Then, I picked myself up off the floor, dried my tears, and wrote a letter to my dear friends.  I wanted Implacable and his wife to know that I hold no regrets and that, despite the outcomes, I would not change a thing.  In just three phone sessions, he changed my life for the better.

And now… I am going to do what I need to do.  I need to express the depth of my pain, and I did not do this on the phone with them, nor did I write it in the email that I sent to them.  But here it goes…I deserve to get to say my piece, no matter how unfair it might be or how immature…

The little girl inside me feels quite lost right now, Implacable.  How could you abandon me so soon?  You know that I need what you were giving me.  And now, I’ve been discarded, like I meant absolutely nothing.  Like my submission meant nothing.  I threw myself into this 100% and was willing to do whatever was required to please you…and yet, here I am…left to pick up the broken pieces without you to guide me.  You requested that I share everything…the hardest parts of myself, the humiliating parts of myself… and I did that for you.  How could you let me do that?  How did you not see this coming?  Why couldn’t you have protected us all better?  My only recourse is to hurl my pain at you, to lash out with hurtful questions, that I know you cannot answer.  And yet, I also long to come to you, on my knees, and beg you to somehow make this right and…to come back to me.  Please, show me mercy, Sir.

There, I said it.  I really don’t feel any better for it.  And, I’m sorry for my unkind, and desperate words, Sir.  Despite my pain, I know you deserve better.  I just need to feel that my pain matters too.

One thing that I know for certain is the world will right itself again.  No matter how hard I cry myself to sleep, the sun always comes up the next day.  I will let the sun shine on my life, and put myself in the hands of fate.  I will be happy in the knowledge that he did the right thing, and I cannot express enough how much I admire his integrity.  He has the sweetest wife, with whom he has shared a lifetime, and she deserves nothing less.  While I might be lost in my own pain, I recognize that hers is greater, and I can only hope that over time she will forgive the pain that my needs (and his) caused her.

I share with you this music video, called “Silent Lucidity”, by Queensryche.  It is a song that my husband introduced to me, and I must brag that it is quite possible that he sings it better that the group that performs it.  In any case, this song will always remind me of the experiences I had this week.  There is something about the sound of this song that touches me deeply.

Silent Lucidity by Queensryche 


Stay true to yourselves, my friends.

Love, nora

24 thoughts on “Taste of my tears…

Add yours

  1. Nora, I am very touched by your blog today and let me tell you, my submissive and I feel your pain. We can’t even imagine how you are feeling but I wanted to reach out and let you know that you don’t suffer alone. Your readers like myself are here for you, if that makes much of a difference to you. Hang in there, things will get better. xoxox

    Liked by 2 people

  2. You are entirely entitled to your feelings. And, a week or a year, it doesn’t matter. You gained something that you need and then lost it. There must be sorrow, there must be pain. And you must be allowed to feel it. Do not allow numbness to set in.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Pelgris….and if I haven’t told you lately, thank you for your readership. I will survive this, and I promise not to let the darkness or numbness take me under. Sending love, my friend❤

      Liked by 3 people

  3. Well, damn – I’m sorry that things went south but it’s often a symptom of many alternative relationships where something sounds like a very good thing to do… but then the more uglier emotions show up – like jealousy and now that sound-sounding thing doesn’t sound so good when it gets up and running.

    There’s few things worse than having your greatest joy snatched away and before you really get to experience it. It’s okay to cry and to be unhappy but you must bounce back and understand that these things happen and, importantly, don’t give up… and if allowed, the two of you can work toward another Sir who is more local…

    Liked by 3 people

    1. kdaddy,
      Thank you very much for your support! I am going to do my best to bounce back as quick as I can. Writing this post was very cathartic, Though, I am also considering just deleting it. I have no wish to inflict further pain upon my dear friends. On the other hand, I need a record of my feelings…to show that it mattered, that I matter. And, I mean this is the most sincere way… I won’t be looking for another Sir. My husband has no desire to share me with someone locally or who I might see in person. The situation presented was pretty much the only way he would consent to something like this, and I’m ok with that. We gave it our best shot.
      Sending you hugs and kisses,

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Leave the post right where it is because there are so many people who need to learn from what you experienced because there is a lesson here and one that I’ve been trying to “teach” for a good portion of my life. To be able to step outside of the relationship box and do so with any degree of success, you must rid yourself of the negative emotions that have been known to kill relationships – jealousy, envy, possessiveness and obsessiveness and you just learned, and as I have and as so many others have, that not everyone can do this even when they think they can.

        Leave the post where it is so others can learn from it and be comforted in knowing that others who are like you will learn from your experience and be on guard for this very human reaction to things. It’s as I’ve been saying: Things like this always sound good in theory… but often fail in application because we can’t rid ourselves of the behaviors that only serve to ruin and steal our inner joys. You have to learn how to be able to do this and your post will support and illustrate the fact that not everyone can.

        Doesn’t speak ill of the other couple in any way and, of course, I mean no offense to anyone but in any kind of alternative relationship setting, this very thing is a killer of hopes and dreams. It happens. And now the trick of it is to not to let it defeat you or even reflect badly upon you and your husband. You tried it but the failure was on their end and even if the two of you never investigate this aspect again, if you didn’t know about the dream killers, you know now and can plan accordingly and if nothing else, you both now know to be more aware of each other’s feelings in this regard and to not let your own dreams be killed in this way.

        Leave this post right where it is…

        Liked by 2 people

        1. Thank you for your words of wisdom, kdaddy. I have great respect for both Sir and his wife, and I won’t ever speak ill of them. I have great affection for both of them. To even give this a shot showed tremendous bravery and trust on her end, and…there’s no real way to know what it will feel like until you try it. And she did try, and her apologizing to me herself meant so much to me. This particular dream, unless they change their minds, is one I will shut the door on. It took a lot for my husband to allow me this experience. I will content myself with the degree of domination that he can provide. And, he does provide it! I write this to you with a very sore bottom, and a heart that is a bit lighter than it was this morning. I won’t delete my post as I know that when Implacable sees it, he will know that there is no ill intent toward him.
          Thank you for your friendship, kdaddy😊

          Liked by 2 people

  4. Oh Nora! I am so sorry. *hugs* The length of time doesn’t matter, and power exchange relationships are emotionally intense. Feeling lost and upset and sad and angry and hurt and anything else you are feeling is perfectly valid. It’s a hard situation, for everyone involved.
    The best advice I can give (if you want it) is to yourself some time to mourn the loss of the relationship. That has helped me in the past more than anything else.
    I hope you are able to find another Dominant to give you the structure you crave.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, HeartsHope❤
      Advice is always welcome! You hit the nail on the head…this does feel similar to grieving. I am feeling a huge loss surrounding this. I guess it’s difficult to finally find exactly what you’ve always wanted and then lose it so quickly. Please know that I have no ill feelings towards either of them. They handled this as respectfully as possible, and I know that they are hurting too…which makes my heart hurt more😥

      Liked by 3 people

      1. I understand. HD and I tried poly early in our relationship, with another couple who had been married for twelve years (whereas HD and I had been dating for a few months). I was the one who couldn’t handle it, and HD calling an end to the romantic/sexual portion caused a great deal of hurt to everyone. It’s hard to put one’s partner’s happiness above one’s own happiness and that of close friends. It’s hard to ask to have one’s own happiness put first when one knows it’s going to hurt other people. And it’s hard to lose something that was beginning to blossom into something wonderful. *hugs*

        Liked by 2 people

        1. Thank you for understanding…and for sharing your experiences in this area. There has been some communication now and I am feeling a bit better about everything. I’m not sure what the future holds for the four of us, but I do know that they mean very much to me ❤

          Liked by 2 people

  5. I am sad for you Nora. Don’t discredit your feelings. There are few things we are entitled to in this life, but our feelings are one! And it hurts because you loved it so. And it was more than a week. It was a year in the making! And it was only enjoyed for a week. I wish I could make the pain go away, but only time will allow the wound to heal. But the scar will still remain. I know you’ll recover, but like any grieving situation, don’t try to force it. Just let it be. Hugs! Marie

    Liked by 2 people

  6. My dear friend…. there is no different advice I offer than what has been said already. I do sense from your writing that you feel you need to justify just how painful this was for you, that maybe you don’t feel entitled to feel the depth of loss you felt/feel with the end of this. I’m telling you that is not the case. The pain you feel, the loss you are experiencing, you are entitled to and it is justified. Allow yourself to feel it, but don’t live there.

    Also, I hope you and the husband don’t give up. There are other possibilities out there. Your writings, the joy you portrayed when the arrangement was made, your devastation at over losing it, clearly demonstrate how important and deep a need you have to be dominated. Never give up.

    Hugs hugs hugs and love my friend xoxo

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, Miss D! Your thoughtful response caused me to tear up…in a good way. Thank you for understanding and for seeing my pain. I value your friendship so much.
      Now…forget about my problems, and enjoy your “camp”!!! Can’t wait to read all about it 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Sometimes people come into our lives briefly and it’s no less life changing. You don’t know if his wife might change her mind with support. You could be a person who needs a Daddy and Master. Luckily it seems like your husband is a pretty awesome daddy type or maybe he doesn’t realize that there are apps and groups that can help him learn to create structure. There’s an app called obedience that actually spells out and tracks EVERYTHING

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Thank you for this information!!! I have never heard of this app. I will pass this info on to my Daddy. We are currently trying to rework the D/s dynamic between Implacable and I, to see if there is something that might be more comfortable for our spouses. We shall see😊

          Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Up ↑

How did I get here?

My life, my pain, my struggles and growth in marriage and life.


self discovery through photography

Daddy's Young Lady

Little Girl At Heart


Information and Guidelines compiled from various Expert's works and articles.

Erica Scott: Life, Love and Spanking

Ruminations, opinionated observations, darkly humorous blathering and the occasional rant from an outspoken spanko and unapologetic attention wh--, um, hog.

Sore is More

Mature audience only, 18+ NSFW...kinky sex & spankings ahead!

All Things Kink

Your Ultimate Guide on ALL Things Kink

Sydney's Spanking Stories

Stories celebrating the joy of consensual adult spanking in various settings, and with a mix of characters.

My Depraved Submission

Diving into the Depths of O/our Darkness


Mature audience only, 18+ NSFW...kinky sex & spankings ahead!


My musing about my polyamorous life from the heights of the heart and the hurts.

The Spanking Nook

Domestic discipline and spanking fetish blog

%d bloggers like this: