Taboo to tell the truth?

I am fucking miserable.  There, I said it.  And honestly, it feels good to get it out.

Truth be told, I have no where else that I can say it…no where else that I can own it.  My husband knows that I am struggling with depression, but not another soul in my “real” world has an inkling.  It makes me feel so stupid to feel this way. To not be able to find my happy place again.  To not feel like me.  I have always been a pretty happy person, and damn, did I take that for granted!  It used to be effortless.  But apparently, I am not resilient, nor am I as strong as I believed myself to be.

I work with clients every day who have significant, sometimes almost unsolvable problems….many are homeless, most suffer life-changing mental health diagnoses, some are addicted, and some have so many defenses in place from past trauma that they cannot let anyone in to love them or they actively drive others away.

That is not my reality.  I grew up privileged, and I grew up loved by both of my parents.  There was no abuse, no neglect…just a lot of happy memories of childhood.  I always had friends, and I never struggled finding a romantic partner.  I was so fucking lucky and I didn’t even know it!  As an adult, I have always worked hard…earned my degrees, have done what was expected.

Speaking of doing what is expected…picture this…. I found out my husband was having a love affair with a co-worker.  It was about 9 o’clock at night.  My husband and I were decorating a Christmas tree.  The very next day, I sat next to him and held his fucking hand at Thanksgiving dinner so that nobody would know what was up…because I felt like that was what was expected?  Who does that?!?

Please know, I am no angel.  Prior to his infidelity, I cheated on him twice.  My cheating was more of the getting drunk at a party variety, getting caught up in the thrill of the chase…. while his was more of a feeling angry/resentful/lonely and sneaking around with a co-worker type.  But, really?  Cheating is cheating.  My cheating was about sex and ego, while his cheating was out of self-pity and needing connection.

I know what you are thinking….it’s time to break up already!  But see, that’s the thing…there is something about having been to hell and back with someone and both of you choosing to continue to want to make it work…that is worth holding on to.  I still love him.  He is still my best friend.  I cannot imagine my life without him.  I have complete faith that he feels the same way. And, I honestly believe that neither of us will ever hurt the other like that again.  He has done a lot of self-growth work…and has really come far.  And then there is me.

I don’t know where to grow to….what to run towards…what goals to set.  I’ve gone as high as you go academically… I have two respectable, well-paying careers.  I designed a beautiful home and survived an extensive remodel, managing multiple construction crews every day for six months.  I am the friend that everyone comes to when they are hurting.  I am the family member that people call when things go wrong or they need a shoulder to lean on.  None of this is being said in a braggart way.  Believe me,  I am a fucking mess!

And I can’t tell that to anyone.  Except to you….so thank you, if you are still reading.  This honestly isn’t a self-pity thing…it’s a “I am so lost” kinda thing.

I want to feel alive again.

So…that’s it.  I was finally able to say it.  And, it’s a little hard to believe…but I feel a little bit better.  I wish I was in a different place and this was some super sexy, spanking escapade to recollect…but, this is real.  This is me.

~ nora

45 thoughts on “Taboo to tell the truth?

Add yours

  1. I haven’t been riding much lately, but I saw this post and figured I would come here to say you are not alone and you don’t have to go through this alone. Talking really does help. You got this.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. The hurt you feel/felt is devastating! I do know couples who have been through this and who have managed to rebuild their marriages. They are now stronger and more together than ever. But they tell me it wasn’t easy. If you both love each other, then work through this. You will eventually break free of the tunnel! We are here for you. If you want to vent more privately, contact me through my blog. I’ll always be there to listen to and encourage you.
    I’m hurting for you. You have made some progress back towards where you were. But obviously much more needs to happen. Perhaps thinking only about the good of your partner might help you both. Remembering great memories. Planning fun times together. In other words staying positive but spending time together. I do pray for you Nora. And my heart aches for you. All the best my Friend!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for all of your supportive comments, Michael! You make some excellent points about ways to reconnect in our marriage. My darkness isn’t just about getting over my husband’s affair… I am still a mess over losing my mom, and my younger brother. It’s been two years, but I still cry a lot. We were very close and my mom was a part of my every day life. I think it has just been a lot in a short span of time. And…I can’t figure out what to work towards…and having a goal has always been a huge part of who I am. I am thinking about setting some fitness goals, but even just saying that doesn’t really sound fulfilling. Maybe some volunteer work would do me good. Ugh….so lost. I hope you know how much I appreciate you!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Volunteering is an excellent idea! I’ve done it in the past and recommended it to others. Has a way of lifting one’s spirits. And perhaps look to volunteer in an area related to your mom—if she passed from cancer, volunteer at the Cancer Society. If she passed because of kidney problems, volunteers a dialysis centre, etc. Whatever you need, always remember I’m an email away. We may not meet in person but I’ll be there as much as I can. And maybe one day we can meet in person.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. I absolutely agree that volunteering is a great way to lift one’s spirits. I might try to find something with kids. When my mom passed, she wasn’t sick. We actually had an autopsy done because it was so shocking. She basically laid down to take a nap and never woke up. As far as anyone knew, including her doctor, she was in good health. I think that’s part of why this is so hard…there was no time to say goodbye, and it’s still difficult to even comprehend. A perfectly healthy 65 year-old woman lays down for a nap…and doesn’t wake up. Her heart just stops.
          You are the sweetest person, Michael and if it were ever made possible, I would love to meet you and your Queen someday. I have no doubt that you are good people. I am blessed just to call you a friend here on WordPress 🙂

          Liked by 1 person

          1. My mother died in an awful lot of pain. It lasted months. I think I would have appreciated a sudden death without suffering for her. Because even though we knew she didn’t have much time left, most of us weren’t there when she finally passed. So the final goodbyes were after death. I saw my mother the day before she died but I don’t know if she was even aware of me.
            Perhaps one day we will meet. That would be a wonderful thing.

            Liked by 1 person

            1. I am so sorry to hear that your mother died in pain and that both she and all of her family witnessing, suffered. While having my own mom taken away without warning or time to make peace, I will always be grateful that she didn’t suffer. Sometimes I wonder if a higher power took her then to prevent her from having to live through the experience of my younger brother’s death. Life works in mysterious ways.

              Liked by 1 person

              1. Ultimately I kind of hope I go quickly. My grandfather went to bed and didn’t wake up. He was strong and vibrant and totally with it until that moment. But as you say, life works in mysterious ways. I take it your brother suffered. I’m sorry. If I had a wish with Aladdin’s Genie, I would wish for an end to suffering.

                Liked by 1 person

                1. My brother died of a drug overdose after my mom died…he had actually been clean for a few years, but when we lost her…he just couldn’t handle it. We don’t believe he overdosed intentionally…more that he took the same amount of oxy that he used to, and his body could no longer tolerate the dose. He was only 33 years old and he was one helluva a guy. And…I’m with you…I would wish for an end to suffering as well.

                  Liked by 1 person

                  1. I’m so sorry! My daughter took an overdose and refused treatment. However she was in the hospital (long story—short version, she was there for counseling). So when she died, the doctors sprang into action. They were able to revive her. She spent 2-3 weeks in hospital. Today years later she is finally starting to show signs of a full recovery. But those hours of unknowing were so difficult. I can only guess at your pain. But as a good guy I’m sure your brother would want you to move on and be happy. I know your mom wanted the best for you as well. Keep their wishes in your mind and try to make them true. As a representative of your WordPress friends, I can say we all are pulling for you too! Sending hugs and encouragement!

                    Liked by 1 person

                    1. Thank you, Michael…that really means a lot! And, I am very glad to hear that your daughter is recovering! That must have been a very scary time for you. Sending hugs right back at ya!

                      Liked by 1 person

  3. I have been recently drawn back to the blogging community and this is precisely why. I find myself in a simimar place of much introspection, trying to make sense of my circumtances and state of mind. Trying to figure out which fork in the road to take. Reading your post is like the calm I needed for the flakes in my snowglobe to settle in order to see a clearer picture.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for writing that, askmefast! Your kind words give me a sense of purpose, which is what I really need right now. I wish you all the best on your journey and in figuring out which road to take. To this crazy thing called life!

      Liked by 2 people

  4. We are hear to listen/read and provide any solace you need. Be who you are knowing that this community is hear for you! Take care of yourself.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, chaste! I feel incredibly lucky to be a part of this community, and to have the support of those here that I follow and follow me. As for taking care of myself…I just have to figure out what that looks like! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  5. We see and view infidelity as always being a bad and relationship-ending thing and there’s no reason for it and there can be no forgiveness at all… not always the truth. My first wife cheated on me but instead of throwing it all away, I sought to understand why she did it and not literally or figuratively kick her ass. It got her to open up about a lot of things she kept hidden away and it just made me love her even more.

    It’s something I’ll never forget because it was a turning point in our relationship that led to us being open and then, a little later, poly. Did I forgive her? Yeah, I did… because I bothered to find out why and it made me realize something I think is very damned important: It’s not always possible to be EVERYTHING your partner is ever going to need.

    It’s not always a bad reflection on the partner who got cheated on – shit just happens and for a lot of reasons… and reasons that few people are of a mind to accept as valid. Yeah, sometimes, a partner is giving a lot of reason to step out on them and usually that’s a communication failure – and, yep, ya can even blame it on the alcohol but still, one key in dealing with this is to talk to each other, find out what’s needed, what might be done better and stuff like that so the the specter of infidelity never comes a-knocking – but also with the understanding that it could and for no other reason than it sounded like a good idea at the time.

    It’s a test of a couple’s love for each other and the strength of that love, its ability to stand up against the shit life throws at us all… and, sadly, most never pass this test and a good relationship winds up in the trash…

    And, usually, because we don’t talk to each other like we really should be. People thought I had lost my mind to stay with a woman that had cheated on me; they didn’t understand it when I said that I knew why she did; she cheated on me with other women… and because I’m not a woman.

    Duh. Like I said, it just made me love her more but, importantly, made me make double damned sure that we talked a lot more than we had been.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Thank you for this thoughtful response, kdaddy! In some ways, my husband’s infidelity has been a very good thing for us… it forced him to confront his own demons and I really cannot express how much it has changed him for the better. He is actively working towards becoming the type of man he wants to be, the type of man he thought he was. For me, it’s been challenging. In some ways we are stronger…but there is a part of me that feels like I lost this huge dream….the naive part, I guess. I am learning a lot about myself on this journey. And, I am definitely not ready to throw in the towel on our marriage. We still have a pretty incredible connection, satisfying sex, and I have more fun with him than anyone.
      Thank you for your support!
      XOXO ~ nora

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling this way Nora but glad that you felt able to share it. I think that is the start really as all the time you hide it, there is no space for it to be dealt with. Sometimes I find that trying to break things down and looking for the pleasure in the small things helps. I have to really focus through my senses and slow everything right down. Not sure if there is anything in that or not. Regardless, I hope that you find your thing soon. And please keep talking; there are plenty of people here who care and want to listed. Hugs x

    Liked by 3 people

  7. I’m so sorry you’re having a rough time Nora. Depression is no fun at all. I can relate to only a handful of people knowing when you’re in pain but wearing a mask of normality around everyone else. Echoing what missy said, finding enjoyment and positives in the small things really can help to ground you and bring back your sense of self away from the stresses that are contributing to the depression. Also spending extra time with pets I found really helps lift your spirits up even if its just a bit. Re: your husband, while it’s not something I could personally do myself, you’ve both taken responsibility for your mistakes and doing what you can to make things work again. It’s not easy with trust having to be rebuilt from scratch, but many couples can and have been able to work past it and overall strengthen their relationship. But it is a team effort. To let you know we care about you an awful lot and sending lots of love of hugs xx

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Being successful on the outside can make feeling alone and hurting worse because the outside world expects a certain behavior. It’s easy to put on a front of “everything is fine” when one has the trappings of happiness, but that doesn’t make the darkness you are feeling any less.
    I sounds as though you counsel people, but have you tried going to counseling yourself? Even the helpers need help sometimes, particularly with grief. I’ve lost my sister and my father just over a year apart, and talking has helped more than anything else. Maybe you need someone outside your normal circle, someone who is invested but objective. (That’s how my counselor phrased it when we first began.) It’s like having a good friend who doesn’t get caught up in the actual drama. 🙂
    I wish I had more advice to help. I went through a dark period and still do sometimes. I don’t think it’s unusual to feel the way you are, with everything you have been through in recent years. I have faith you will pull through and find your way back to a brighter place. *hugs*

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you, HeartsHope! I have done some counseling and some of it was helpful. I think it has just all been a bit much….my husband’s infidelity, my mom dying soon after, and then my younger brother overdosing. It’s just been a lot. I know I need to move forward, but the darkness keeps sucking me back in. I really appreciate the hugs and the support! ❤

      Liked by 2 people

  9. Seems like it would make loads of sense to be overwhelmed from so many shifts of identity. One thing that really got through to me during my Residency was a lecturer who works with grief. He said, when grief and trauma collide, one loss is the same as all losses. We loose ability to have perspective because our sense of identity is lost, and because its impossible for us to be able to compartmentalize in the ways we normally do to be a good wife/daughter/shrink/student/ etc. The thing that i love about power exchange is it does allow us to decide what the focus will be on. That someone got off the path? That everyone got off the path? Or that we got back on the path and kept choosing each other? In the end, those losses formed our sense of self, our “its you and me against the world”, and our ability to find grace for each other. Our relationship has come to rest on, “that same thing wouldn’t happen now.” It wasn’t infidelity for us, but trauma is trauma. It does seem that those of us who have gone the damn distance educationally end up having big shifts later, because academia puts so many demands on our resources to cope.
    Hugs to you.

    Liked by 3 people

  10. Hello, I’m glad to have stumbled across your blog and this post. It’s so real and honest, and I’m sure you have found that it’s sometimes a relief to be able to write anonymously about the not so fun stuff. Thank you for sharing. and I hope to visit here more often!

    Liked by 2 people

  11. You are never alone Double N. (From the guy who disappeared for most of 2019)

    Life is just really hard. Depression is a beast! Not feeling like your marriage, the one thing we think as kids will make us whole, is stable is so painful.

    You are an amazing person. All the happy you want, it is still there. You will find it again.

    Until then, oreos and Jack Daniels help me a lot.

    Love to you my friend.

    Liked by 2 people

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Up ↑

How did I get here?

My life, my pain, my struggles and growth in marriage and life.


self discovery through photography

Daddy's Young Lady

Little Girl At Heart


Information and Guidelines compiled from various Expert's works and articles.

Erica Scott: Life, Love and Spanking

Ruminations, opinionated observations, darkly humorous blathering and the occasional rant from an outspoken spanko and unapologetic attention wh--, um, hog.

Sore is More

Mature audience only, 18+ NSFW...kinky sex & spankings ahead!

All Things Kink

Your Ultimate Guide on ALL Things Kink

Sydney's Spanking Stories

Stories celebrating the joy of consensual adult spanking in various settings, and with a mix of characters.

My Depraved Submission

Diving into the Depths of O/our Darkness


Mature audience only, 18+ NSFW...kinky sex & spankings ahead!


My musing about my polyamorous life from the heights of the heart and the hurts.

The Spanking Nook

Domestic discipline and spanking fetish blog

%d bloggers like this: