What a girl wants

Well, not so much what a girl wants, but what THIS girl wants.  I want to find happiness again.  Daddy and I have been through some crappy times lately and I just want this to pass.  In a nutshell, I am angry, sad, feeling rejected, suspicious, defeated, lonely, and just plain depressed much of the time.  Daddy is stuck in this rut of feeling ashamed with himself, guilt at what his action’s have done to me, loneliness, and depression (and probably more, but this is what he has shared with me).  As any of my longtime readers know, we are dealing with the aftermath of infidelity.

The thing is, I know that our relationship can be strong again.  He is still the man that I love, my best friend, the one that I want to experience life with.  We’ve had a handful of really good days the past few months, a lot of just average/slightly disconnected from one each other days, and a few awful days where we fight and say hurtful things to one another.  I did about 5 weeks of therapy, and Daddy is still going once per week.  We talk about going to couples counseling but haven’t taken that leap yet.

We’ve started and stopped D/s several times in the past few months.  Living a 24/7 D/s dynamic with him is what I want with my whole heart.  Unfortunately, he is living with so much guilt over what he’s done to us that he struggles in the leadership role (understandable).  And yet, this very structure is what I believe will help me heal from all this faster.

So…back to the title of this post….what I want.  I want both of us to focus on our health- it is amazing the bad patterns you can get into while depressed- eating unhealthy foods, drinking too much, not making time for exercise.  I want to focus on my own mental health, while Daddy focuses on his.  I want to find our spark again…that feeling I used to get when I would look at him at my heart would swell with love, pride, and desire.  I want to submit to him.  I want to lose control, to him.  I want to experience kinky sessions with multiple vibrators, plugs, spanking instruments, and tie downs. Oh, how I miss the spankings…the cathartic release of the pain, the feeling of submission that comes from knowing that I am at his mercy. I want to be in public places and hear him whisper in my ear the naughty things he wants to do to me. I want new adventures together.

I am hoping that I am not coming off as too whiny.  There are a lot of things in my life that I have to be grateful for, and I do recognize that.  I have a career I love (teaching…I’m pretty burnt out on working in mental health), I have two adorable puppies that bring me joy every day, I have a beautiful home that sits on 5 beautiful acres in a lovely area, I have my health, I have a few very close connections with family members, and more…

But, I want that connection with my husband…that spark…those sexual feelings….

I love you, Daddy.  Still waiting out the storm.

Love, nora

26 thoughts on “What a girl wants

Add yours

  1. My prayers, thoughts, and best wishes continue to go out to you in this trying time. It sounds like you’re both working on it…although at different speeds… and I truly hope you soon arrive at the place you both need to be together. — AJT

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Unfortunately what y’all are going through is hard and takes time. Definitely not whining to say what you want and need. You both keep pushing through it and working on it together! You have a lot of support and I’m sending love❤️xx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You are not whiny at all. You are brave and strong and forgiving and loving, to name a few. It’s going to take time but it seems to be moving forward which is the direction you want even if it’s not moving fast enough. Maybe it’s time to consider that couples counseling? You may only need a few sessions to deal with some of the big issues. It’s obvious you both love each other and are deeply committed to making it work. That’s at least 80% of the battle.

    Thinking of you my friend xoxo

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Writing can and appears to be good for you. Thanks for sharing your struggles and desires. Breathe…and know your online friends are sending you strong positive thoughts to help get through this difficult time.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Hugs Nora, I think you and Daddy have a strong foundation so while it may feel a little like the walls around you are crumbling away the foundation seems solid so there is no reason why you cannot build again…It just takes time, patience, fortitude, commitment, effort and love!!

    Liked by 2 people

  6. I hope this doesn’t come off badly, and I don’t know your whole back story, but are you sure he wants the DS 24/7 as much as you do? maybe his infidelity was because he was attracted to something other than this lifestyle. His seeming reluctance to do this with you just because you want this says something to me. My ex was not attracted to submissive women.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Thank you for your comment, Minerva! It is good to explore an issue from all sides and this is definitely something we have both considered….and thankfully, rejected. He assures me he wants the 24/7 dynamic as much as I do. Oh…and I don’t think my husband would describe me as submissive….I am anything but. I know that sounds odd as I refer to myself as “a submissive”, but my true nature is quite Alpha. I’ve made it a goal to reign that part of myself in so that I might just “experience” life, rather than always try to control in.

    Thank you for stopping by!

    Liked by 1 person

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