Well, not so much what a girl wants, but what THIS girl wants. I want to find happiness again. Daddy and I have been through some crappy times lately and I just want this to pass. In a nutshell, I am angry, sad, feeling rejected, suspicious, defeated, lonely, and just plain depressed much of the time. Daddy is stuck in this rut of feeling ashamed with himself, guilt at what his action’s have done to me, loneliness, and depression (and probably more, but this is what he has shared with me). As any of my longtime readers know, we are dealing with the aftermath of infidelity.
The thing is, I know that our relationship can be strong again. He is still the man that I love, my best friend, the one that I want to experience life with. We’ve had a handful of really good days the past few months, a lot of just average/slightly disconnected from one each other days, and a few awful days where we fight and say hurtful things to one another. I did about 5 weeks of therapy, and Daddy is still going once per week. We talk about going to couples counseling but haven’t taken that leap yet.
We’ve started and stopped D/s several times in the past few months. Living a 24/7 D/s dynamic with him is what I want with my whole heart. Unfortunately, he is living with so much guilt over what he’s done to us that he struggles in the leadership role (understandable). And yet, this very structure is what I believe will help me heal from all this faster.
So…back to the title of this post….what I want. I want both of us to focus on our health- it is amazing the bad patterns you can get into while depressed- eating unhealthy foods, drinking too much, not making time for exercise. I want to focus on my own mental health, while Daddy focuses on his. I want to find our spark again…that feeling I used to get when I would look at him at my heart would swell with love, pride, and desire. I want to submit to him. I want to lose control, to him. I want to experience kinky sessions with multiple vibrators, plugs, spanking instruments, and tie downs. Oh, how I miss the spankings…the cathartic release of the pain, the feeling of submission that comes from knowing that I am at his mercy. I want to be in public places and hear him whisper in my ear the naughty things he wants to do to me. I want new adventures together.
I am hoping that I am not coming off as too whiny. There are a lot of things in my life that I have to be grateful for, and I do recognize that. I have a career I love (teaching…I’m pretty burnt out on working in mental health), I have two adorable puppies that bring me joy every day, I have a beautiful home that sits on 5 beautiful acres in a lovely area, I have my health, I have a few very close connections with family members, and more…
But, I want that connection with my husband…that spark…those sexual feelings….
I love you, Daddy. Still waiting out the storm.