Three weeks in…

It’s been almost three weeks since my world was turned upside down, again.  There have been some really hard days, some okay days, and a couple of even really good days.  While I have had moments of wondering if I made the right choice in staying, most days I have felt good about my commitment to my marriage and to my husband.  I try not to let the negative self-talk into my heart…why wasn’t I enough?  Why did he break his promises?  Who is this person I’ve been married to all these years?  Because you know what…I already know the answers to those questions.

Why wasn’t I enough?  For starters, this is a stupid question to be running through my mind.  I AM ENOUGH, it is he who wasn’t enough.  It is he who had such low self-esteem that he needed validation from a woman who clearly had no respect for him or our marriage.

Why did he break his promises?  Because he is weak.  Because he needed to soothe his own ego.  Because he longed for something other than the reality of day-to-day marriage.  Because he wanted excitement.  Because he’s selfish.

Who is this person I’ve been married to all these years?  He is still trying to figure this out…but, I already know the answer.  And, this is where forgiveness and grace come in.  To me, he is still the boy I fell in love with so many years ago.  I know that he is a man who has made mistakes, but desperately wants to atone for them.  And, most importantly…he is the person who loves me, my partner in this life.

I’ve learned a lot about myself throughout all of this, coupled with the unexpected losses of both my mother and younger brother over the last two years.  I have learned that I am strong, much stronger than I ever imagined.  I have learned that setting an intention, and sticking to it, makes me feel good about myself.  I have learned that no matter what happens to me, I will make it through, and that I can do so gracefully.  And, I believe that I am learning to love unconditionally, which is rare in modern society.  Lastly, I am learning to truly love myself for who I am and who I want to be…and I will be that person.

I am fond of country music and I recently heard a Dierks Bentley song that struck a chord with me.  It is called “Riser”.  These are some of the lyrics.

I’m a riser.

I’m a get up off the ground, don’t run and hide-er.

When pushing comes to shove,

Hey, I’m a fighter.

When darkness comes to town, I’m a lighter.

A get out alive-er.

Of the fire.

Survivor.

Thanks for sticking with me 🙂

Love, nora

28 thoughts on “Three weeks in…

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  1. It is a lot to forgive, I can imagine how it hurts and how upset I would be. Take it a day at a time.

    Maybe in a case like this it is okay for a sub to punish their Dom. Never know, could make a difference. Just throwing the idea out there. 😉

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Only you two can make something better from this. It’s painful to get brutally honest with each other about this and I know you realize that D/s requires that. If this is going to pull you through, the honesty, even painful honesty, has to level up on both sides. Thinking of you. I’m proud of you for considering the ways this might make you stronger.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. It’s great to hear that you’ve had some really good days interspersed with the inevitable bad ones while getting beyond this episode.

    You know that, like you, my specialty is psychology; although I’ve predominantly used it in an investigative environment (criminal, domestic, commercial, and a few specialty niches), not education. And I noticed Ms. Dixie Wrecked’s comment and need to respond to that as a Dom with a psychology background. I agree with her that he needs to be held accountable for his actions, but not punished by the sub if you value your Dom/sub dynamic. It’s okay if you discuss being held accountable with him, but if you want him to continue being your Dom HE needs to step up and take responsibility for his actions and to create a list of things for himself to do in order to make it up to you, and move your relationship forward (both the marriage and D/s dynamic).

    When kat and I had that major issue awhile back I analyzed the entire situation, including what led up to it. And I realized that I could have been doing things better. That didn’t void out kat’s responsibility for her bad decision and actions. But I did have to accept part of the responsibility because I’m the head of the house / relationship in our chosen dynamic. So, when I decided what punishments kat would have I also instituted new duties and protocols for myself, as Dom, to help prevent the same type of situation ever happening again. And kat needed to see that I held myself to a higher standard as the leader, and would not take the easy way out and just blame her for making a poor choice.

    Your husband needs to do the same. If he’s going to feel good about leading again he needs to hold himself accountable and present himself as a fair and just husband to you. This way he will feel he’s done right as a man, a husband, and a dom. And you both have put in a lot of time and effort to make that dynamic because you didn’t like where you were at before. So, if he truly puts his heart and soul into this it can save the man, the marriage, and the dynamic you’ve worked for.

    Good luck in whatever you do. — AJT

    Liked by 4 people

    1. You’ve made some very valid points! I was thinking more along the lines of what would help nora, not her husband. I have no problem admitting I was a little too one-sided with my (half joking) idea.

      Liked by 3 people

      1. Thank you for your support, Ms. Dixie! I’ll be honest, there are times where I think I should be wielding the paddle or strap…but it wouldn’t make me feel any better and I think it would hurt our D/s dynamic, which is already on shaky ground. I greatly appreciate your continued support 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

    2. Thank you, Alpha…for the support, and your wise words. Accountability is something we’ve been talking about a lot. I will share your response with my husband, in the hopes that it helps guide him during this time…we’ve lost so much already…I am hoping our D/s dynamic can survive this.

      Liked by 2 people

  4. You are a survivor and a strong, strong woman. I’m glad you’ve had some good days mixed in with bad and each day is a bit better. Take it day by day.
    Sending love and kisses for you xxxxxxx

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Glad you are having some good days. This post gives me some hope for your marriage. Because forgiveness is critical to moving onward.
    Oh and I knew you were strong—I’ve known it for a long time! But even the strong can hurt. They just are able to bear it and still move forwards. Stay well my friend.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. When i have walked through the fires my Master set, we both became stronger. In difficult moments, i remind myself that Master can be wrong, and she is still Master. Sharing your story was an act of bravery. i’m glad you are doing what is best for you. ❤

    Like

  7. Country Music! Somehow that is not where I had you. In my mind you were of a Euro Electro Funk type. Lol! How your good days soon out number your bad. Hang in there…by that I mean keep your well being number one. I have learned that after 27 years of marriage. You have to keep you happy because regardless of how much you want it to be different, sometimes you are the only one trying to keep you that way. Hugs sweet lady.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. It’s that whole “you do you” thing that is so important. You are staying for the love you have and not because you fear being alone. As long as you stay strong (but give yourself time to be not strong as we’ll because being strong all the time can destroy you!) and remember how important you are everything will turn out good. You do you and you do you good!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. You are a beautiful soul. Grace is definitely the right word for you and your behaviour through this difficult time.

    I shall keep everything crossed that he can find it within himself to be the man that you deserve as well as the boy you fell in love with.

    X X

    Like

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