To all of my wonderfully, supportive friends… I am alive and well! So many of you have sent me private messages, as well as posted on my blog, and I cannot tell you how much the support means during this crazy time in my life. Today, instead of focusing on any negativity, I hope to spread a positive, optimistic message.
First, I would like to share with you all that I am choosing to continue in my marriage. I assure you that this choice is not one made out of fear. Yes, choosing to leave and uproot my life would be a terrible thing to experience, but it does not make me afraid to do so. I could survive it, if I so chose. Thankfully, I have been blessed financially, and I am independently wealthy of my husband, so that is also not a factor.
So, why stay? The man cheated on me, then lied to me for over two years about ending the affair, and then recently confessed to his scandalous behavior with the sea cow (petty…yes. Name calling is not the answer). The answer is simply, that I choose love. This may sound odd, but I have no doubt that my husband loves me. And, I love him…I love him as my husband, my friend, my partner…and as an extension of myself. How I wished he had loved me (and himself) enough to not cheat…but, we all make mistakes.
In fact, as I have shared before, early in our marriage, I was the cheater. In our early 20’s (God, we were so young!), I once got very drunk at a party and slept with a friend of a friend in a bathroom. After lying to my husband for six months, I finally told him the truth. He accepted that I made a mistake and we moved on. A few years later, again…drunk at a party, I gave a friend of a friend a blowie in the bathroom (what is it with me and drunk men in bathrooms?). This time, I lied for over two years about the event…promising my husband over and over again that nothing had happened, before finally confessing. This was harder for him to swallow (no pun intended), but he did decide to forgive me and move forward.
But, this is also not why I am choosing to stay, choosing love, after all…it is not tit for tat. I truly believe that most of us make mistakes. And I choose to continue to love him even after the mistakes that he has made. We have talked (and talked, and talked, and talked) so much over the last two weeks…and in my heart, I know that he is sorry and I know that he chooses me. I believe that he is done seeking validation and acting selfishly.
Will I regret my decision to stay? I don’t think so. Even if one of us breaks the other’s heart again at some point, I am living my life with the man that I choose. I am strong, I am brave, and I do not fear the future. In fact, I think we have some very good times coming.
Lastly, I choose to continue with D/s. What this dynamic does for me…well, I am not willing to give that up. In fact, my husband and I are planning a ritual, just for the two of us, where we will take ownership of one another’s hearts, minds, and bodies. It may be challenging to understand why I would want to continue to submit, but trust me, it is for me…not for him (that doesn’t sound very submissive, does it?).
I hope you will continue to support me on my journey…the kind words and messages of support I have received the last two weeks mean the world.