Considering a D/s contract

I’ll be honest… Daddy and I’s D/s has gone by the wayside.  Don’t get me wrong…we still have kinky play, I still call him Daddy because I love doing so and it feels natural, and we still broach the subject of D/s frequently…but most of our rituals and daily scenes have all but evaporated.  We’ve been loosely practicing domestic discipline, but even that it barely occurring now.

The funny thing is, I haven’t been all that bothered by it.  He’s been super busy.  I’ve been super busy.  We had visitors in and out of the house during the duration of the holiday season.  We brought home two furry puppies who consume much of our time with their training.  We’ve taken several mini-vacations, with our dogs, which were super fun and yet, exhausting as well.  And, I just haven’t been feeling submissive at all.

So, there we were, sitting in front of the television last night, discussing the state of our relationship.  Both of us feeling as if something is missing.  He tells me he thinks we should re-instate our power exchange 24/7.  I was feeling a little resistant…imagining all of the work that goes into submitting to him properly, on top of resuming teaching at the University and starting a new therapy job this summer.  We agreed to both think about it and I believe we will converse about it later tonight.

I spent a good deal of the morning considering if I have the desire, the inclination, and the time to fully submit to my husband’s authority.  I remember how loved and cherished I felt when we were fully immersed in D/s.  I remember how none of the past hurts we have experienced hurt during that time, how all of the old resentments faded away.  I remember vividly the adrenaline rush of trying new things in the bedroom and the thrill of being fully at his mercy.  All of that sounds positively seductive, and yet, I find myself still feeling a bit resistant to the idea of becoming my husband’s submissive again, and I think I know why.

My husband put a lot of work into becoming my Dominant.  He not only showed me love and compassion as a leader, but he also was consistent in making sure that I followed the rules and showed him respect at all times.  He stepped way out of his own comfort zone to make my fantasies come true.  He learned to discipline me harshly enough for the spanking to be a true punishment and this is not an easy feat for someone who loves you and is not a sadist.  He does not enjoy inflicting pain upon me, and yet, he did so…for me.  And yet, somehow, for me…it still isn’t enough.

I think what I am looking for is for him to dominate me for him, not for me.  I want him to inflict his will upon me because he truly wants to do so…because it brings him satisfaction, makes him feel powerful, builds his confidence in his role in our marriage.  I want him to fuck me senseless, not because he enjoys bringing me pleasure…but because he is fulfilling his own fantasies and dark desires.

What I am longing for may not even be possible and I know that.  Only he can want those things for himself.  But, I plan on communicating these ideas to him tonight during our discussion.  If he truly desires my submission, I truly want to give it to him.  But I can’t give it to him because he is trying to make my desires and fantasies come true…that’s just not real enough for me.

So…wish me luck tonight!  No matter the outcome, Daddy and I will always have each other, and I feel incredibly blessed in that.  I am also planning on suggesting a D/s contract, which is something that we have not previously created.  I think that by asking Daddy to create a contract for us, with as much or as little of my help as he desires, it will give us both a better idea of his expectations and wants for our D/s.  If you have been through the process of creating a D/s contract and wish to share any pointers, I would be incredibly grateful.

Thank you for reading my friends and happy writing 🙂

Love, nora