Considering a D/s contract

I’ll be honest… Daddy and I’s D/s has gone by the wayside.  Don’t get me wrong…we still have kinky play, I still call him Daddy because I love doing so and it feels natural, and we still broach the subject of D/s frequently…but most of our rituals and daily scenes have all but evaporated.  We’ve been loosely practicing domestic discipline, but even that it barely occurring now.

The funny thing is, I haven’t been all that bothered by it.  He’s been super busy.  I’ve been super busy.  We had visitors in and out of the house during the duration of the holiday season.  We brought home two furry puppies who consume much of our time with their training.  We’ve taken several mini-vacations, with our dogs, which were super fun and yet, exhausting as well.  And, I just haven’t been feeling submissive at all.

So, there we were, sitting in front of the television last night, discussing the state of our relationship.  Both of us feeling as if something is missing.  He tells me he thinks we should re-instate our power exchange 24/7.  I was feeling a little resistant…imagining all of the work that goes into submitting to him properly, on top of resuming teaching at the University and starting a new therapy job this summer.  We agreed to both think about it and I believe we will converse about it later tonight.

I spent a good deal of the morning considering if I have the desire, the inclination, and the time to fully submit to my husband’s authority.  I remember how loved and cherished I felt when we were fully immersed in D/s.  I remember how none of the past hurts we have experienced hurt during that time, how all of the old resentments faded away.  I remember vividly the adrenaline rush of trying new things in the bedroom and the thrill of being fully at his mercy.  All of that sounds positively seductive, and yet, I find myself still feeling a bit resistant to the idea of becoming my husband’s submissive again, and I think I know why.

My husband put a lot of work into becoming my Dominant.  He not only showed me love and compassion as a leader, but he also was consistent in making sure that I followed the rules and showed him respect at all times.  He stepped way out of his own comfort zone to make my fantasies come true.  He learned to discipline me harshly enough for the spanking to be a true punishment and this is not an easy feat for someone who loves you and is not a sadist.  He does not enjoy inflicting pain upon me, and yet, he did so…for me.  And yet, somehow, for me…it still isn’t enough.

I think what I am looking for is for him to dominate me for him, not for me.  I want him to inflict his will upon me because he truly wants to do so…because it brings him satisfaction, makes him feel powerful, builds his confidence in his role in our marriage.  I want him to fuck me senseless, not because he enjoys bringing me pleasure…but because he is fulfilling his own fantasies and dark desires.

What I am longing for may not even be possible and I know that.  Only he can want those things for himself.  But, I plan on communicating these ideas to him tonight during our discussion.  If he truly desires my submission, I truly want to give it to him.  But I can’t give it to him because he is trying to make my desires and fantasies come true…that’s just not real enough for me.

So…wish me luck tonight!  No matter the outcome, Daddy and I will always have each other, and I feel incredibly blessed in that.  I am also planning on suggesting a D/s contract, which is something that we have not previously created.  I think that by asking Daddy to create a contract for us, with as much or as little of my help as he desires, it will give us both a better idea of his expectations and wants for our D/s.  If you have been through the process of creating a D/s contract and wish to share any pointers, I would be incredibly grateful.

Thank you for reading my friends and happy writing 🙂

Love, nora



45 thoughts on “Considering a D/s contract

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  1. Many submissives deal with just what you are talking about. That their master takes pleasure in giving you pleasure and they want them to take the pleasure for themselves. Like a sadist would.

    Now, this is what I have told my submissives: my pleasure is my business. You can dictate your limits but you leave the rest up to me.

    It’s good that you have open communication. What I’ve found with submissives that feel as you do, is that there is some unexplored darkness that they want to explore that they would feel more comfortable speaking about if they’re master was more sadistic. If that is you, then just talk about it with him.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Thank you for your wise words, Pelgris! I am looking forward to speaking with him tonight, and I am sure that he will read this blog. I find my blog a great way to be able to respectfully express my thoughts to him and the responses are always beneficial to both of us. Thank you very much for the input 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Hey Nora, you guys aren’t alone. We have a full-time business and it is VERY hard to make the time to keep the dynamic spontaneous. When you get home from work , it is hard to stay motivated to do MORE. We have sat down a few times and discussed different things but then work gets in the way. I know it will be easier in the future and I yearn for that but I want it now! 🙂

    If you ever need to chat, I am here for you.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Hi and thank you for the response, D! It is difficult to find the time, but I feel confident that we can conquer that if we both set our minds to it. I guess this time around, I am wanting Daddy to want this for him, and not just for me. I am looking forward to our conversation this evening 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I will post an article on My blog, that I had written many years ago as a D/s relationship advise, that I believe might hugely help you to “reinvent” your D/s relationship despite busy times and even vanilla obligations. – so thank you for sharing your experience it gave Me an idea what to add this moth to My blog 🙂 #StrictMotivation

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Nora, if your Daddy wants to reinstate 24/7 D/s, it may well be he wants it for himself, and not just for you…something to think about. You may have started it, but it could well be he has grown into it. Alpha was the one who originally wanted D/s, and although I originally agreed just for him, now I can’t envision our relationship any other way.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you for the input, kat! I really value you sharing your experiences. You and Alpha are one of the couples I always follow here on WordPress and I greatly admire the dynamic that you share. And…you are right! He may well already be in this to satisfy his own needs…I guess I just need him to express this to me. I know, I know…it’s all about communication 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  5. Hi Nora I remember feeling very similar to this. I wanted him to want it so bad. Unfortunately for me, he just didn’t want it enough. I hope things are different for you and your husband. Regardless what the outcome is, it’s obvious you love each other very much and will endure and thrive. Best of luck to you both xoxo

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, sayyidsgirl! I am looking forward to talking about it tonight. As kat pointed out in her comment, it could very well be that he does want it for himself now. And that is what I am needing…that authenticity. Hopefully, I will have something to write about tomorrow!

      Liked by 2 people

  6. This post really hit home for me right now. With the surgery, all the visitors for the holidays, and 22 being home for 6 weeks MrsL and I have really gotten away from the FLR I crave.

    Much like you and your husband, I want to submit fully to MrsL and she, to a certain extent, does it for me. When she had taken charge enforcing what I believe is her will then makes a comment of “well isn’t this what you asked for” I can’t help but be deflated.

    MrsL and I talk through a journal, first, about these subjects then sit down and elaborate. I left her a simple request in the journal before leaving: please can we discuss rekindling our FLR when I get home. Sure, there have been flashes of her dominance lately and I can only hope for more.

    However, if all I get are those flashes a little at a time…I’ll be happy.

    I hope your talk goes well.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, chaste and thank you for sharing! Journaling is something else I have considered as a D/s tool…could you elaborate a bit more on how it benefits you and MrsL? I look forward to reading your thoughts (no pun intended)😊

      Liked by 1 person

  7. MrsL has a hard time expressing herself; especially her feelings about anything that is outside the norms of society. She can talk my ear off about anything else. She also has a very difficult time with a full role reversal. So, when we started with chastity three years I decided to take baby steps toward FLR. I did this, knowing she has a hard time talking, by introducing the journal.

    At first, it would still take her three or four days to read and reply and she still was “shy” about verbally expressing her side of the conversation. And, let’s be honest, in the early days it was a lot of me asking/begging for her to be more assertive all things sexual. I’ll admit, it was tough for those first few months because a conversation on a certain aspect, domestic discipline, would stretch out for days. One conversation lasted nearly two weeks in the journal. We agreed that unless both of ended a post or reply to a post with “I’m ready to talk about this” we would keep talking through the journal.

    As time progressed, long lengthy journal post on a topic dwindled down to one or two sentence exchanges over the course of a day. When it is time to talk, we sit in the middle of our bed face to face and elaborate on the written conversation.

    It is not perfect but it does give us both time to think through all of our thoughts and emotions before discussing the current topic. That truly is the biggest benefit to the journal.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you for this incredibly thoughtful response, Chaste! It sounds like the journaling has been integral to your D/s and communication. I will definitely be discussing journaling with Daddy, should he decide he wants to continue with our dynamic. Thank you😊

      Liked by 2 people

  8. What you have described is true, I think, across many D/s relationships. Even with contracts – though before I rant, let me say that that’s a fantastic idea because it’ll being focus and structure back into your relationship.

    Anyway, that’s life for you. Things get busy. People get tired. Or comfortable. Or just distracted by their minds enough to fall into a habit of forgetting x or y.

    Your thought process, wanting him to do it for him, is beautiful. Putting his needs above your own, while still having your own needs and identity. That’s love!

    Liked by 2 people

  9. The thought of not really feeling motivated to submit, yet willing to do so anyway, and completely on his terms…ooo, that tickles my special place. Very submissively satisfying to think about. Good luck.

    Liked by 2 people

  10. We have a contract—it’s the way I approached my Queen in the first place. Yet our relationship has taken a life on it’s own. I do journal. She reads this and adds comments at times. The journal is one way of communication that allows me to bring up subjects I might not feel comfortable with in person. We will later talk about them—sometimes much later! lol. I’m also supposed to include fantasies, thoughts, dreams (if I remember them).

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you for sharing, Michael! I really like Iike the idea of journaling. I think it sounds like a great way to be able to bring up subjects that may be challenging to talk about…especially fantasies and things. I never knew that you presented your Queen with a contract as a way to get your D/s going…how did she react?

      Liked by 1 person

  11. Hi Nora

    This is a really honest thing to admit and I admire your willingness to address it head on. I am sure because you are both bright, loving and communicative you will come to an outcome that works for you. It is, after all, a journey – the dynamic will *always* change, because we change as people. In tastes, maturity, physically and emotionally. It’s a mistake to think it will always be the same – not that you made that mistake, but a popular misconception.

    I also think a lot of time because of the way D/s is portrayed, even within the Community, it sets narrow parameters around what it is to be “real” and people feeling they have ‘failed’ because they are not living some porn fantasy life. There seems little acknowledgement at the doubts, guilt even, that ALL good dom/dommes feel from time to time unless they are unthinking robots. It is normal to doubt and question and reassess.

    Again, I don’t think *you* feel that, because, as I say, you are both smart and aware people. But it is rarely acknowledged how much WORK is involved in doing D/s 24/7. In the end, I think 99.9% find, as you do, that you need to make it work around other things. To prioritise D/s at the expense of literally anything else would be awful narcissism and I’m pleased you have been enjoying the wider things in life like your puppies!

    With regard to the specific challenge of the D, it could be that your husband simply wants to be a sexual top and the whole Dom identification is a burden that doesn’t sit easily with him. It carries baggage, and I am sure you can help him lighten the load by focusing on the bits he does respond to.

    I think the contract is a good idea in that it gives you a chance to start with a blank sheet of paper. You have the advantage of having lived it already, so it is not like starting a contract at the beginning of your D/s. I know you will use it to work out your priorities and how you can make it work.

    Take care and I look forward to reading more about your next steps. You have a lot of people on your journey with you.

    KP xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. KP,
      I cannot thank you enough for this incredibly thoughtful comment! And, thank you for the compliments on our character. We had a long conversation about it last night, which I will write about this morning, and I feel very confident in the direction we will be heading. Also, I like what you have to say about the contract being a place to start fresh. We are going to talk about contracts tonight (we only briefly touched on the idea last night) and what we might want represented in one. I am going to do some research today. I never thought that I wanted a contract so I’ve never paid much attention to them. I am very excited at the idea of creating one together!
      Again…thank you for the supportive comment and for your readership!
      Love, nora

      Liked by 1 person

  12. Hi NaughtyNora, life will often get in the way, and sometimes we drop the ball. MrH and I are both so new at this but I think you suffer from the same disease as me …. ‘insecurityitis’

    Now, I won’t say it’s incurable… But it can be quite debilitating…

    I have found that I spent a lot of time worrying and stressing that MrH wasn’t ‘into’ the D/s the way I was.. worried that he was only doing it because he wanted the quiet life and to make me happy..

    Then I had a few lightbulb moments… Things that I suddenly realised… Like going to a munch. I was very nervous about this.. and MrH said that he thought it would eventually be something to go to but that he didn’t want to yet so not to worry…. In the mean time MrH encouraged me to contact a lady who wanted models for a corsetry project and knowing I love corsets I did so. I was selected and met with her and she who is a Domme talked to me and showed me her play room, told me about a local club, offered to introduce us at the munch…. A few months later I brought up the topic again and he said that he thought I was now ready to go… Me not him… And I suddenly realised… The advert had been on the club’s page… He had Seen it because he had been on there.. he had already picked what munch he wanted to go to and he was hoping that my interaction with the Domme would enable me to overcome my nerves and transition to curious..

    He also did the post you have seen which has shown me how much thought he put into it.

    I think as subs, especially those of us who suggested the dynamic, we are prone to worry that our Dom’s aren’t as invested. But I think we can perhaps assess the evidence to decide..

    1. Your husband obviously put a lot of effort into becoming a Dom. And until things got hectic you were doing well..

    2. He suggested that you bring the dynamic back.. suggesting he misses it and enjoyed it.

    As Pelgris said … (Which I think is brilliant and I shall slightly rephrase) your husband’s pleasure is his business..

    Obviously you’re right to talk about what you want and need but I think you needn’t worry about if he’s enjoying it… Men (I’ve found) generally don’t suggest things if they don’t want to do it …

    If you worry that 24/7 might be unrealistic… Why not do Friday evening to Sunday evenings? So that during the week while at work the pressure is lessened? Just a thought…?

    I’m absolutely sure you will work it out.. and perhaps your hesitation is because you miss it and are worried about getting back into it and having it taken away again???

    Good luck 😊

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hi Sweetgirl! Thank you for the very thoughtful comment! I think I may have been overthinking his motivations for engaging in D/s and now that we’ve had a nice long talk about it, I am feeling much better, and we have decided what direction our dynamic will take. It sounds like MrH always has your best interests at heart and is very considerate of what you are ready for. I will be looking forward to hearing more about the munch!


  13. honestly to me, it sounds like he does want this for himself as much as you. Dominance adds as much to someone’s life as submission. He may have realized how much, now that you’ve had a break from TPE. I’d be curious to know!

    Liked by 2 people

  14. “what I am looking for is for him to dominate me for him, not for me”
    Exactly what I crave from my wife. I try lots of things to try to spark something in her. We have been doing D/s – FLR for a year and a half now and there is a lot she enjoys (who wouldn’t like the pampering) but my thoughts and fantasies run circles around her and I always feel like I am ahead of her. It doesn’t take much for her to have me doing what she wants and I wonder if I were to drop off if she would let it slide or kick me in the pants.
    I know you seem to only want it if he truly does but sometime ‘Fake it till you make it’ works. Repetition and consistency build habits and habits create a lifestyle. Good Luck.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. This is excellent advice, thank you! I absolutely agree that repetition and consistency help to build habits that stick. We had a really good conversation about things last night and I feel quite assured that he needs this as much as I do. Thank you for stopping by! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  15. Do what works for you, it is possible to do it 24/7, we turn it on and off when we have vanilla life come to visit and also we can have evenings where we just cuddle on the couch.

    hell we even have evenings where Alice just sits at the dining table doing a jigsaw while I read a book in the living room. hows that as a D/s FLR for you.

    The relationship works better at times because we don’t try too hard with it. yes we both plan and create scenarios and moments when it is full on but then we also have moments when we are just as pleasing and Dominating/ submissive doing normal stuff.

    if you both understand each other and chat regularly, you should be able to submit for your Master because it pleases him and scratches your “itch” and vice versa from him when he dominates you.

    Don’t force it and ramp it up and tone it down as it feels right at the time.


    billie and Madam

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for this wise and thoughtful advice, billie and Madam! I love what you have to say about not forcing it, allowing it to happen. Sometimes, when we are doing 24/7, if there isn’t something going on, I feel like we aren’t thinking about it enough or working at it enough. I have faith that we will find what works for us 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  16. I cannot relate to the contract of D/s completely, because I still have lessons to be learn in that aspect. However I can relate to not having the time or making the time for activities that use to connect someone with their partner. Life has become so busy between the family life and worklife with so many projects on hand everything else just falls wayside. Having a discussion about what you want is so important. I hope all went well for your discussion.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hello and thank you for stopping by! Our conversation did go very well and we are both on the same page about what we want from our dynamic. It is so hard when life gets super busy and our intimate connections suffer because of it. Hoping that things slow down for you as well!

      Liked by 1 person

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