I’ll be honest with you. Most of the time, I sail through this life, self-esteem intact, with a rather positive outlook on life. Like my mother did, I have a rather sunny disposition, and I have made it my life’s goal to spread happiness and joy.
But, I sometimes have those days…those other, darker days…where everything scares me, and I wonder…
Does Daddy really love me?
Do my family members love and respect me?
Am I good enough?
Am I beautiful enough?
Do my students feel that they learn anything from me?
Does Daddy want someone else, sexually?
Am I lazy?
Do I matter?
Do I actually help others, or do I just think I do?
Is it all my fault?
What if more of my loved ones die?
What if I end up alone?
And, these days suck. Waking up at 4am, lying next to Daddy, wondering who he dreams about. Is it me? Am I enough?
But, I did what I am supposed to do when I have these days. When Daddy woke up this morning, I shared with him my insecurities. He held me, told me he loved me, and told me he would work harder to make me feel more secure. When he arrived at work, he texted me to tell me again how much he loved me…and asked that I wear an anal plug for one hour to remind me of who I belonged to. I am so lucky to have him.
I will make it my mission today to ditch these insecurities. My plan includes time with my puppies, running some errands, and baking Christmas cookies for the people at my husband’s company. Hopefully, this will make me feel productive, festive, and loved.
I hope you all have wonderful, happy days today. And, if you are having a hard day, like I am…try to find your joy. Life is too short for anything else.