Rainy day musings about D/s

I’m happy to report that all is right in the world of nora & Daddy.  We have been happily distracted with the raising and training of our two new puppies.  But, I’ve been hearing from more than a few of you about my absence from the blogging world and for that, I apologize.  I sincerely miss reading the fantastic blogs of my dear WordPress friends and the interactions we have.  And, I miss writing!  So, I am sitting down this morning to get some writing done and address an email that I got from a dear friend (you know who you are!).  In this email, I was asked if I could share a bit about how my husband grew in his dominance and what that process looked like for us.

Daddy and I officially committed to incorporating domestic discipline (DD) into our marriage last January.  I initiated this and presented my husband with material that I had found on the internet.  I communicated to him that I strongly desired to be held accountable to him and that I wanted him to use corporal punishment when I broke any of our agreements.  He has always known about my interest in spanking and we experimented with it a bit off and on throughout our marriage, but in a sexual foreplay kind of a way.  We decided together that a total power exchange was in order.  I would learn to follow his lead, speak respectfully at all times, and accept his decisions.

I began blogging about our experiences a few days into that journey.  Like many of you, I really had no one that I could talk to about this life changing decision.  It was through my interactions with many of you that I learned about the exciting world of Dominance and submission (D/s).  And, during this time…I began to go a bit crazy…I was in a frenzy and I wanted more, more, more!

My frustration for needing more was one of our biggest hurdles.  I truly feel sorry for what I put Daddy through during this time.  He was doing his best to match my pace in my desire to be dominated, but every time he would successfully dominate me, all I wanted was more!  I was incredibly selfish during this time and couldn’t recognize how much work he was putting in…all I could focus on was my need to continuously experience subspace.  I even began to criticize how he was dominating me, wanting him to do so in specific ways.  I was anything but submissive during this time.

Here on WordPress, I was making many new friends.  I began to have intense conversations with my friend, furcissy, about what was occurring between Daddy and I.  Furcissy showed great empathy for my plight, but firmly warned me about the dangers of pushing Daddy too hard.  He reminded me that this was a lifestyle that I initiated, and that Daddy needed time to catch up.  All the signs pointed to my husband continuing to grow in his dominance, I just needed to give him a chance to do so…to let him spread his own wings, so to speak.

It was during this time that I also read the book, The Surrendered Wife, written by Laura Doyle.  I cannot express how much I learned from reading this book…it taught me the importance of surrendering (submitting) to my husband’s leadership and what would happen for both of us if I could do so.  To be clear, this book was not written about D/s…there is no mention of spanking or kinky sex.  But for those of you that truly want to learn submission, it is a must read.  Buy it today and get it read.

So, I started to back off a bit.  I started doing a lot of self-reflection.  I started realizing that I was topping from the bottom, much of the time, and that I was actually stunting my husband’s growth in his leadership role.  Instead of encouraging his leadership, I was falling back into old habits and critiquing everything he did.  And, when I backed off, the most miraculous thing began to happen!  The lifestyle that I had proposed to Daddy began to come to life.

You see, Daddy was a bit apprehensive about the change in our lifestyle.  Yes, he wanted me to respect and obey him, but when he would try to dominate me, I would criticize him for not doing it “the right way”…basically, how I expected him to.  Or, I would demand more. It seemed to him that it was turning into just another part of our life that I was trying to control and which I would talk down to him about.  Why would he want any part in that?  But, as I began to back off and focus on being submissive to him, even when he wasn’t dominating me, he began to feel empowered and encouraged.  He began to create rules that were meaningful to him and we began to move at his pace, not mine.  This occurred about seven months in.  This took an incredible amount of self-control on my part.  Inside, I still just wanted more, more, more!

Throughout this experience, we talked constantly about what was occurring.  From reading The Surrendered Wife, I knew that it was my job as a submissive wife to build my husband up and help him grow in his confidence.  As he became more confident, he began to grow in his dominance.  More rules were put in place, more protocols to follow which he initiated.  And the more natural it all began to feel.

So…if I were to give any advice to other submissives (which, I actually hate giving advice)…it would be the following:

• Try to ease up on your partner. Stop putting all your expectations on them 24/7.  Chances are, your partner has a career, kids, and hobbies which also need some of his/her focus.  Even though you are experiencing a frenzy of sorts, he or she may not be…they are just trying to keep up with you and this huge request you have made of them.
• Build your partner up. Compliment often.  Show admiration in the way he/she is currently dominating you.  Show them gratitude for even attempting to make this huge lifestyle change.  Show them that you recognize how challenging it is and how much work it is.  If you aren’t doing this, chances are you are making them feel like they are failing you…and this will not encourage them to want to live the D/s lifestyle with you.
• Together, schedule time to discuss your wants/desires, versus constantly hounding them. Make the most of those scheduled sessions.  Try to give your partner one thing at a time that you might like to see incorporated into your dynamic, if it pleases them to do so.  Learn to accept that what you want, may not be what he/she wants.  Give them the space to figure out what they want your dynamic to look like.
• Focus on your own submission. Yes, their dominance does feed our submission, but that works both ways.  Feed his/her dominance by being respectful at all times, being in control of your emotions, and by your servitude.
• Offer to do some of the “learning” work for him/her. I know my husband very well.  He is not the type to seek out research.  So, I proposed that he assign me to do this for him.  He loved this idea and told me that it was now a weekly assignment, which is due by Wednesday.  I seek out 2-3 articles or blogs which discuss various aspects of D/s or DD and I email them to him.  He reads the articles before my maintenance spanking on Sunday and we discuss them during that session.  In this way, I get to share with him aspects of D/s that I might like to see incorporated or might desire him to work on, respectfully.  I am also careful to not act like too much of a “gate-keeper” and I share things with him that may not be pleasant for me (i.e. the article on a proper mouth-soaping).

 

Overall, be patient and kind.  I can honestly tell you that my Daddy did not have a dominant bone in his body before we began this new lifestyle.  He was not an Alpha male and this stuff did not come naturally to him.  He had to completely revamp himself in order to satisfy my request for a total power exchange.  But, in doing so, he has grown into the man that both he and I needed him to be.

These are my musings, take them and do with them what you will.  This will obviously not apply to everyone and all situations, but it has been my experience, and it has been a good one.  And, I think that building your life partner up is something all of us can live by 🙂

Happy reading and writing, my friends 🙂

Love, nora