Hello my friends,
As some of you may remember, my Daddy gave me a new assignment a few weeks ago. The assignment is to find and email him 2-3 articles or blog posts each week regarding domestic discipline (DD) or Dominance and submission (D/s). He desires me to do this so that he can continue learning new things about this lifestyle, without it taking away from his free time (by conducting the research himself) or his time with me. I greatly admire the dominance in his delegation and complete this assignment happily each week.
I take great care with what I send my Daddy as I do not wish to waste his time, but I was having difficulty finding just the right piece on the humiliation aspect of D/s. I turned to a blogger, and great friend, here on WordPress and asked if he might write a piece especially for my Daddy and I on the subject. My friend, furcissy, is a long-time blogger with a lot of real life experience in this lifestyle. He and I are both submissives and have done a lot of self-analysis together. He writes a lot about his own experiences on his blog, he writes Femdom fiction, and he is also a very talented artist. The piece below, written on the subject of humiliation, is what he wrote for Daddy and me.
As always, thank you for reading 🙂
Humiliation- written by furcissy
Humiliation is a tough one to describe because there are so many moving pieces and a lot of it builds upon itself. I will try to work in how this affects both parties. My apologies if this is messy, but it is a very extensive subject.
Why does a sub want this?
True submission ends up being rooted in vulnerability. When a dominant and submissive grow together and/or share specific kinks in common, it becomes difficult to differentiate where there is power/control vs. the sub doing what they want to do.
Exercising true control is the ability to make a sub do what they do NOT want to do.
This is the battle of wills that brings about the real form of submission. When you submit you give up choice. You must accept t he choice that has been made for you. Without this, it feels like a game/role-play. This is a sticking point for many and it quickly becomes clear who is allowing themselves to experience vulnerability and who is not.
Nora craves this feeling. She wants it to feel real. She wants to feel herself sink deep into the submissive mental space. The hard part is that reaching this space is difficult if we LIKE everything that happens. To get into deep space, there must be mental resistance and that resistance must be broken.
This can be confusing to both parties, but when you break it down, it becomes a bit easier.
If a sub conveys their feelings accurately about a D/s activity, they will usually end up like this:
- I like the feeling and like the process.
- I like the feeling and hate the process.
- I hate the feeling and hate the process.
What we are dealing with is type B.
The strength of will must be overpowered. While a sub might hate the act that does this, they may come to crave the outcome. When you find the right triggers to get them there, they can be used over and over again (as long as you make sure they don’t learn to like it) almost indefinitely.
There are two kinds of humiliation. The first is the humiliation of accepting an imposed will. It is the feeling that accompanies the breaking of a sub’s resistance. It is that internal, “Oh shit, I have to do that?” feeling. The other type of humiliation is caused by embarrassment and relies on perceived or actual external factors.
Once a submissive has become accustomed to the breaking process, certain types of embarrassment humiliation can be enough to trigger them to that deepest submissive mental space. Once in that submissive mental space embarrassment humiliation can actually feed itself and perpetuate the mental space and embarrassment with very little work.
An example of this:
Imagine you decide you want Nora to be your puppy. You get a leather collar, a puppy restraint harness, fist mitts, ears, a tail plug, and possibly a head harness or mask. Attach a leash and keep her on all fours. Call her a bitch. Feed her from a bowl. She would likely resist this. You could spank her until she says yes. As soon as she changes to yes, that first wave of humiliation will hit as she realizes she will be treated like a dog and how degrading that is.
Embarrassment humiliation will be pretty easy in this state. Tell her she has to smile and “pant” when she is happy. Make sure she shakes her booty to wag the tail. It remains bearable at this point. Once she has acclimated, tell her that you will take some pictures to show to her friends that love dogs or that you will take her for a walk in the dog park. Chances are she will react with a look of anguish as this unleashes the full fury of external embarrassment and she will likely drop even deeper into submissive mental space. That sort of jolt is traumatic, and if you choose the right one, it will always be at your disposal to trigger her to deeper submission at any time. The threat is usually enough.
Taking it farther, you could mix both styles of humiliation. Hold up a dog treat and have her beg for it. Put the treat in her mouth. Most likely she will hold it there or spit it out. Look puzzled and respond with something like “Not hungry for your treats? Maybe we’ll have to get you some exercise out at the dog park to help work up your appetite.” The treat will vanish in seconds.
I know this is a rather extreme example that will likely never see the light of day but it illustrates things rather easily. Assuming that Nora reads this, it could probably be used as a trigger sometime in the future. e.g. if you are shopping and see some puppy play items, they could very easily trigger submissive mental space.
The deepest and most effective humiliation happens when it either caters to our deepest fears or goes completely contrary to how we want to present ourselves. It works especially well if there are lingering insecurities about them.
Some things that I have gathered about Nora are that she is confident and intelligent. She respects herself and wants to present herself in such a manner. She seems to see her confident vanilla side as flawed and it makes happiness more difficult.
Having her dress like a bimbette would shatter a number of these self-images. This opens up the threat (or reality) of a public outing that can serve as a trigger. You could also make her speak like an airhead or not let her speak at all, and force her to communicate in gestures and mime. The latter can be reasonably amusing if you purposefully keep misunderstanding something obvious until she realizes she can’t win.
What I believe she is seeking is to be taken out of the mental space of her “self,” and firmly planted in a submissive mental space where she truly feels like she exists solely for your happiness, pleasure, and amusement.
The submissive ideal mental state is one where they do not think of themselves, they think only of the dominant. What do they want most? To please the dominant? Isn’t that hard work and uncomfortable? Yes, but it’s nothing compared to the desire to please. It removes any internal desire and places all of the focus externally. Embarrassing humiliation forces a sub out of that mental state by awakening their self-consciousness. All of a sudden, while every rational part of them wants to be pleasing, they start worrying about what might/will happen. If you mention taking her out to the bar in cuffs and a tail, she will immediately be struck with terror at embarrassment that hasn’t even happened yet. This can act as a trap.
A dialogue like…
“Do you want to go to the bar in your cuffs and tail?” “No.”
“Why not, don’t you want to make me happy?” Pause while her spirit breaks.
“If it would please me for that to happen, why would you want to deny me that?”
Cue the cycle of shame that makes her want to do it but then she thinks about the embarrassment she will experience. That makes her not want to do it, and her desire to avoid it makes her feel shame, repeat.
To try and summarize this mess…
Humiliation is an extremely powerful tool when used as a control dynamic. It can create trauma or phobia-like fears where even the hint of them will send them spiraling deeply into submissive mental space. If the sub comes to crave this mental space, they may come to develop a very strong love/hate relationship with humiliation… but the desire to reach that space will likely outweigh MOST humiliations.
What does it do for the dominant is a much harder question. Mostly it’s about how power and control play into Domspace.
There is a rush from knowing you could use it to make her do almost anything.
There is her devotion in that she will willingly accept unpleasant feelings in order to please you.
There is the knowledge that pushing her that deep will give her a pleasant feeling and turn her on.
There is the ability to play her like a puppet.
You can make her blush and beg and whimper with just a few words.
You can do it for amusement.
Something of note is that while the threat can be powerful, it will become even more effective if you actually force her to experience it sometime. Taking a picture and hiding it somewhere is also effective. There is always the threat you will show it to someone.
Something I should also mention is that as control dynamics build, the reason for things can become frivolous. “Because I feel like it.” “Because it amuses me.” “No reason, I’m just bored.” “Because it puts you in your place.” If a reason for something unpleasant isn’t important, it will also be humiliating.
I hope this makes some sense and I’m sure I missed a few things, but I tried to articulate as much as I could.