Humiliation and D/s

Humiliation and D/s

Hello my friends,

As some of you may remember, my Daddy gave me a new assignment a few weeks ago.  The assignment is to find and email him 2-3 articles or blog posts each week regarding domestic discipline (DD) or Dominance and submission (D/s).  He desires me to do this so that he can continue learning new things about this lifestyle, without it taking away from his free time (by conducting the research himself) or his time with me.  I greatly admire the dominance in his delegation and complete this assignment happily each week.

I take great care with what I send my Daddy as I do not wish to waste his time, but I was having difficulty finding just the right piece on the humiliation aspect of D/s.  I turned to a blogger, and great friend, here on WordPress and asked if he might write a piece especially for my Daddy and I on the subject.  My friend, furcissy, is a long-time blogger with a lot of real life experience in this lifestyle.  He and I are both submissives and have done a lot of self-analysis together.  He writes a lot about his own experiences on his blog, he writes Femdom fiction, and he is also a very talented artist.  The piece below, written on the subject of humiliation, is what he wrote for Daddy and me.

As always, thank you for reading 🙂

Love, nora

Humiliation- written by furcissy

Humiliation is a tough one to describe because there are so many moving pieces and a lot of it builds upon itself. I will try to work in how this affects both parties.  My apologies if this is messy, but it is a very extensive subject.

Why does a sub want this?

True submission ends up being rooted in vulnerability.  When a dominant and submissive grow together and/or share specific kinks in common, it becomes difficult to differentiate where there is power/control vs. the sub doing what they want to do.

Exercising true control is the ability to make a sub do what they do NOT want to do.

This is the battle of wills that brings about the real form of submission.  When you submit you give up choice.  You must accept t he choice that has been made for you.  Without this, it feels like a game/role-play.  This is a sticking point for many and it quickly becomes clear who is allowing themselves to experience vulnerability and who is not.

Nora craves this feeling.  She wants it to feel real.  She wants to feel herself sink deep into the submissive mental space.  The hard part is that reaching this space is difficult if we LIKE everything that happens.  To get into deep space, there must be mental resistance and that resistance must be broken.

This can be confusing to both parties, but when you break it down, it becomes a bit easier.

If a sub conveys their feelings accurately about a D/s activity, they will usually end up like this:

  1. I like the feeling and like the process.
  2. I like the feeling and hate the process.
  3. I hate the feeling and hate the process.

What we are dealing with is type B.

The strength of will must be overpowered.  While a sub might hate the act that does this, they may come to crave the outcome.  When you find the right triggers to get them there, they can be used over and over again (as long as you make sure they don’t learn to like it) almost indefinitely.

There are two kinds of humiliation.  The first is the humiliation of accepting an imposed will.  It is the feeling that accompanies the breaking of a sub’s resistance.  It is that internal, “Oh shit, I have to do that?” feeling.  The other type of humiliation is caused by embarrassment and relies on perceived or actual external factors.

Once a submissive has become accustomed to the breaking process, certain types of embarrassment humiliation can be enough to trigger them to that deepest submissive mental space.  Once in that submissive mental space embarrassment humiliation can actually feed itself and perpetuate the mental space and embarrassment with very little work.

An example of this:

Imagine you decide you want Nora to be your puppy. You get a leather collar, a puppy restraint harness, fist mitts, ears, a tail plug, and possibly a head harness or mask.  Attach a leash and keep her on all fours.  Call her a bitch.  Feed her from a bowl.  She would likely resist this.  You could spank her until she says yes.  As soon as she changes to yes, that first wave of humiliation will hit as she realizes she will be treated like a dog and how degrading that is.

Embarrassment humiliation will be pretty easy in this state.  Tell her she has to smile and “pant” when she is happy.  Make sure she shakes her booty to wag the tail.  It remains bearable at this point.  Once she has acclimated, tell her that you will take some pictures to show to her friends that love dogs or that you will take her for a walk in the dog park.  Chances are she will react with a look of anguish as this unleashes the full fury of external embarrassment and she will likely drop even deeper into submissive mental space.  That sort of jolt is traumatic, and if you choose the right one, it will always be at your disposal to trigger her to deeper submission at any time.  The threat is usually enough.

Taking it farther, you could mix both styles of humiliation.  Hold up a dog treat and have her beg for it.  Put the treat in her mouth.  Most likely she will hold it there or spit it out.  Look puzzled and respond with something like “Not hungry for your treats?  Maybe we’ll have to get you some exercise out at the dog park to help work up your appetite.”  The treat will vanish in seconds.

I know this is a rather extreme example that will likely never see the light of day but it illustrates things rather easily.  Assuming that Nora reads this, it could probably be used as a trigger sometime in the future.  e.g. if you are shopping and see some puppy play items, they could very easily trigger submissive mental space.

The deepest and most effective humiliation happens when it either caters to our deepest fears or goes completely contrary to how we want to present ourselves.  It works especially well if there are lingering insecurities about them.

Some things that I have gathered about Nora are that she is confident and intelligent.  She respects herself and wants to present herself in such a manner.  She seems to see her confident vanilla side as flawed and it makes happiness more difficult.

Having her dress like a bimbette would shatter a number of these self-images.  This opens up the threat (or reality) of a public outing that can serve as a trigger.  You could also make her speak like an airhead or not let her speak at all, and force her to communicate in gestures and mime.  The latter can be reasonably amusing if you purposefully keep misunderstanding something obvious until she realizes she can’t win.

What I believe she is seeking is to be taken out of the mental space of her “self,” and firmly planted in a submissive mental space where she truly feels like she exists solely for your happiness, pleasure, and amusement.

The submissive ideal mental state is one where they do not think of themselves, they think only of the dominant.  What do they want most?  To please the dominant?  Isn’t that hard work and uncomfortable?  Yes, but it’s nothing compared to the desire to please.  It removes any internal desire and places all of the focus externally.  Embarrassing humiliation forces a sub out of that mental state by awakening their self-consciousness.  All of a sudden, while every rational part of them wants to be pleasing, they start worrying about what might/will happen.  If you mention taking her out to the bar in cuffs and a tail, she will immediately be struck with terror at embarrassment that hasn’t even happened yet.  This can act as a trap.

A dialogue like…

“Do you want to go to the bar in your cuffs and tail?”  “No.”

“Why not, don’t you want to make me happy?”   Pause while her spirit breaks.

“If it would please me for that to happen, why would you want to deny me that?”

Cue the cycle of shame that makes her want to do it but then she thinks about the embarrassment she will experience.  That makes her not want to do it, and her desire to avoid it makes her feel shame, repeat.

To try and summarize this mess…

Humiliation is an extremely powerful tool when used as a control dynamic. It can create trauma or phobia-like fears where even the hint of them will send them spiraling deeply into submissive mental space.  If the sub comes to crave this mental space, they may come to develop a very strong love/hate relationship with humiliation… but the desire to reach that space will likely outweigh MOST humiliations.

What does it do for the dominant is a much harder question.  Mostly it’s about how power and control play into Domspace.

There is a rush from knowing you could use it to make her do almost anything.

There is her devotion in that she will willingly accept unpleasant feelings in order to please you.

There is the knowledge that pushing her that deep will give her a pleasant feeling and turn her on.

There is the ability to play her like a puppet.

You can make her blush and beg and whimper with just a few words.

You can do it for amusement.

Something of note is that while the threat can be powerful, it will become even more effective if you actually force her to experience it sometime.  Taking a picture and hiding it somewhere is also effective.  There is always the threat you will show it to someone.

Something I should also mention is that as control dynamics build, the reason for things can become frivolous.  “Because I feel like it.”  “Because it amuses me.”  “No reason, I’m just bored.”  “Because it puts you in your place.”  If a reason for something unpleasant isn’t important, it will also be humiliating.

I hope this makes some sense and I’m sure I missed a few things, but I tried to articulate as much as I could.

62 thoughts on “Humiliation and D/s

  1. Thank you for the links and credit, Nora.
    As I read through this I realize that I probably should have made some edits before it “went live,” although originally I did not write this with the intent for it to be read by others.

    I wanted to make a quick note here as I am guessing that some people will take offense at my use of “true submission” and “real” and things of that nature. Those adjectives I had meant to differentiate lifestyle D/s from “bedroom BDSM,” as I’m sure most would agree that those are very different animals. It is very different when submission has an on/off switch (e.g. when the sex/play is over it shuts off) vs. the expectation that some form of submission will be present nearly all the time (even in thought if not in action). Had I written this with public consumption in mind I would have been more careful with my word choices so as not to offend.

    This was written specifically with Nora and her husband in mind.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Reblogged this on Femdom Ramblings from a submissive male and commented:
    I had been asked by Nora to write an explanation of humiliation in D/s and how it might appeal to subs and dominants. I did my best with it although I was having some trouble organizing my thoughts will covering the full scope without missing any aspects.

    She was happy with the result and asked to post it on her blog.

    Just a quick disclaimer in case anyone gets offended at some of my word choices: I didn’t anticipate this being posted publicly. I used “true submission” and “real” to differentiate lifestyle D/s from bedroom BDSM where power exchange stops at the end of the scene/play/sex.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I found all of this fascinating, Nora, from the way you are intimating that you perceive yourself and also how others are perceiving you, right through to furcissy’s written piece for you both, which is superb and very insightful.

    I found it interesting at a deeply personal level, too. In reading, it confirmed precisely what I already believed about myself. Thank you for posting this.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Yes, Nora, that’s really clear, even in your post. To answer your question, yes, absolutely! If the work has a passion, a fire about it, then I’m very interested and willing to consider any sub-genre. I’m all for genre-bending, crossover works, too. I have a personal distaste for arbitrary labelling, but obviously it’s necessary at a commercial level for readers to find what they’re looking for. I’d hate for an author of mine to feel they had to write to a “formula” when the work demands something different. Great writing, involved and intelligent working of themes, and a story (not sex scenes strung together by vague, intermittent words) all win me over. Feel free to send him my way, if he wishes!

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Ohhh wow I love this.
    I have never been into humiliation and the thought of putting a bub through that did nothing for me. But after reading this I am definitely going to have to try dip my toes.
    Woohoo happy days.
    Thanks for sharing (both of you).

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I learn so much from your blog Nora, I am still trying to decide if this is a lifestyle I want to explore further and it is great to get information from so many different angels

        Liked by 1 person

    1. It is very possible to have D/s without humiliation. Unless someone really has a draw to it from the start, humiliation tends to be a dynamic that is grown into. Time and experience will change your perceptions of everything as long as you remain open to what exists. What is exciting now will eventually become ordinary. What pushed you into a deeply altered state before will eventually require more.

      2-3 months ago Nora had very little interest or understanding in a humiliation dynamic (I know this because she was reading some of my erotica and we would talk about it). I think some of her experiences, especially being out in public at the bar in cuffs, pushed her to a new level… and after some time spent processing it, I have a feeling she is starting to crave the completely submissive state that she experienced then.

      However, I also think this was able to grow organically because her experience before wasn’t awful and she was able to process what certain “triggers” can do for her submission.

      Humiliation can be a polarizing subject. Some are appalled by it and others thrive with it. I tend to view it as a control dynamic: Something that can be used to influence behavior, trigger submissive mental space quite effortlessly, and widen the perceived status gap between dominant and submissive. Basically, you either enjoy feeling like you are a puppet on a string or you hate it 🙂

      I hope this helps.

      Liked by 2 people

              1. It is something that I am really interested in, though I am not fully attached to the idea as of yet. I’d like to see Daddy’s reaction to your piece, and he’ll decide if it is for us or not. But…I have this feeling this is what he’s been looking for.

                Liked by 1 person

                1. Since I know that he reads comments I should probably add that it is possible to condition you to need it, get turned on by it more than anything else, or even require it for an orgasm. I’m not sure if that makes it more or less appealing to you but I picture that the idea of that gives butterflies 🙂

                  Liked by 1 person

      1. It does help, I am reading a lot of blogs on the entire D/s dynamics and relationships firstly because I find them incredibly interesting but also because I feel I am getting a REAL picture of that lifestyle and not a jaded or altered view. For my own personal experience I have let us say “dabbled” a little and have found it incredibly exciting and intoxicating both in and out of the bedroom but in the same token I am struggling with where does the line cross from D/s to Domestic abuse. After being in an abusive marriage for 20 years I never want to go down that path again.

        Liked by 2 people

        1. I will do my best to reply here without writing a book… and also forgive me if I have to ask quite a few things and/or read into anything wrong, I am not familiar with your background or where things stand right now.

          One thing I want to note is that many of the bloggers that frequent here added D/s into an existing marriage. This is a VERY different animal than seeking a D/s relationship from the start as there is a history of trust and intimate knowledge of one another as well as an inherent commitment that just isn’t as common in newer relationships. I have been friends with a number of women subs over the years and what I can say is that there are a whole lot of crappy dominants out there that do not perform the role in a responsible manner. It is often safer to keep things limited to the bedroom until there is a strong enough bond and enough trust to feel safe letting them control more of you.

          The line between D/s and abuse is a sliding scale. I believe it mostly comes down to avoiding hard limits as well as exceeding what the sub can psychologically handle. I have lived and wish to at some point continue living a very extreme lifestyle D/s dynamic but there are certain major aspects of my psyche that are well-suited for this. I have an entire list of things that I crave now that would have been abuse, say, 6 weeks in.

          As for the abusive marriage, do you feel like there is any residual psychological damage from that? If yes, is it the kind you feel you could heal from?

          It may take you a long time to trust and in some cases, rebuild a sense of self. If you are truly uncertain, one thing that I know has worked for some is to try some (temporary) switching and giving both roles a genuine effort. That tends to lend a very real sense of empathy to both sides as well as understanding where lines and boundaries fall (and also reinforces concepts like communication, trust, etc.). Feel free to hate this idea, but I thought it was worth mentioning.

          Take care.

          Liked by 1 person

        2. I can certainly see why you would want to approach this carefully, Jad! In a healthy D/s dynamic, the Dominant and submissive set the rules together, prior to any play or discipline. You should have a safe word. The first time a Dominant doesn’t stop if you use your safe word, should be the last time you engage in that dynamic with him/her. You may be the one to give up the control, but you have power initially in setting boundaries. As you grow in your submissiveness, your boundaries may change and you would communicate that to your Dominant. I hope that information helps.

          Liked by 1 person

  5. Thanks for your answer and sincere apologies to Nora for somewhat hijacking her post just a eency weency bit…Okay a lot, I hijacked it a LOT, sorry Nora!!
    I find Nora’s blog fascinating in that they created this relationship to try and help strengthen their marriage.
    I had always thought that you had to have that Dominant or submissive aspect inside of you anyway and that it was not something you just create.
    Which is why I find it very hard to understand the switching because once again I thought you were either clearly submissive or clearly dominant.
    As for an answer to some of your questions, my past is a sordid tale of adversity and abuse starting from the age of 5….I have spent the past year or so rebuilding my shattered self esteem and becoming the person I was always supposed to be. Are there scars, of course, nobody can live through that level of abuse without scars but they are just that scars… none of those experiences define me or have any control over me anymore. But I do think so of those residual aspects have left me in this situation where I find the whole D/s or BDSM lifestyle incredibly interesting and some of it incredibly exciting to the point where I have experimented a little.
    I am not ready to step into a situation again in real life just yet but I am willing to explore and learn more through reading blogs.
    Nora keeps telling me she is not an expert but I am not looking for expert advice I am looking to read real stories from real people and I learn a LOT from Nora’s blog

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I’m sure Nora won’t mind too much 🙂

      That idea that you must have it inside you blurs a bit when you think about the terms as adjectives vs. nouns. In its adjective form, everyone can be submissive and everyone can be dominant. People generally have a natural inclination towards one or the other, but I believe almost everyone has to have both sets of tools in their toolbox to survive in the world. In their noun form, they are roles. I believe it is entirely possible for someone to understand the role thoroughly, but without the connection to one’s sexuality, they are not truly the role.

      e.g. I have been told on MANY occasions that I would be a terrifying (in a good way) dominant. I have the impulses like a dominant, I can approximate the dominant mindset, but it does not turn me on, nor does it fulfill me. Thus, while I can act in a dominant manner, I will never be a dominant. This is one area where the F/m arena differs so greatly from the M/f arena. In F/m, the majority of men have a side of themselves where they must behave as alphas, and subs with a strong vanilla personality are seen as being far more desirable than those who do not.

      The reason I brought up switching is that if you truly tried to imagine the role of a dominant and understood the types of responsibilities and control that go into both lifestyle dynamics and individual scenes, I think you would find that abuse line pretty easily. The dominant must think about what is best for both parties and the relationship as a whole. In its most abstract sense, abuse occurs when they act in a manner that is not consistent with that. Keep in mind with this switching example, it would likely be pretend acting/roleplay (although I have known people who took to it and others who used this as a means of healing). Doing it once or twice would probably be enough to let you spot an untrustworthy dominant from a mile away.

      My background of abuse started very young as well but I have never been able to fully overcome the damage (although I have found ways of coping with it). Submission fills an emotional and psychological need for me. In others, I have known people who started out as submissives with shattered self-esteem and after rebuilding it, ended up dominant. I have also known people who went through a similar process but still ended up as submissives. The process itself is fascinating.

      I do enjoy reading Nora’s blogs quite a bit. She communicates well and has enough emotional awareness to analyze herself honestly. Couple that with an open mind and someone who is hungry to learn and you end up with writings that are quite endearing. She is fun to tease as well, especially when she bites back 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

    2. Good morning, Jad! Thank you for sharing a little bit of your story…when I read your words, I see what a strong person has emerged from the pain of her past. And…no worries about hijacking! I don’t see it that way at all…I love that you feel comfortable opening up. I am ready and willing to answer any questions about this lifestyle as I have experienced it. From what I see on WordPress, we’ve all had different journeys but with some commonalities. I really do not have a submissive nature naturally…however, the peace that it brings me to submit in my marriage is incredible. While it has definitely been a learning experience for both my husband and I, we both still see ourselves as equal partners. We still make all of our decisions together…about the house, family, etc. But, we don’t squabble over the little things any more and we spend a lot more time under the sheets, so in my mind, it’s working for us 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I can see how it would strengthen a marriage. Too many relationships fall apart because of squabbles about things that don’t matter.
        As for me, I have lived with so much adversity that I have discovered there is pretty much nothing that I am not open and willing to talk about.
        There is a meme that perfectly describes the journey that I have been on for the last 15 months…It wasnt that she was changing. It was that she was finally becoming herself.
        Exploring my submissive side is just one aspect of my journey of self discovery

        Liked by 1 person

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