This last few days, Daddy and I have been “off”. We just don’t seem to be connecting like we were. I’ll admit, the last 8 months has been a bit of a whirlwind…lots of changes, sexual frenzy, new roles within our marriage, the constant focus on D/s, etc. And I truly didn’t expect the “honeymoon” phase to last forever, I’m not that naïve. We’ve just been so damn happy! But now…it feels like it is slipping away.
There are a lot of outside factors at play here… Daddy has been working non-stop…going in early most days, working some weekends, and if he doesn’t have to be at his actual job, he is busy with our remodeling project. And for me, I have been experiencing a bit of heavy depression surrounding recent losses and have been gearing up to start back teaching today. There have also been family and friend commitments. Yesterday was the first time we missed my maintenance spanking since we incorporated Domestic Discipline (DD) into our marriage. Neither of us forgot about it, there simply wasn’t time and we agreed it would have to be done another day. When? I am unsure, as tonight I will be out late teaching my class at the University.
I’ve also had my feelings hurt a few times lately. Sometimes, I struggle with knowing if I am just being too sensitive, or if Daddy is just so stressed out it has caused him to say a few things that he (hopefully) didn’t really mean. I have talked to him about these occurrences and I know that he is struggling with recognizing my feelings and still trying to stay in his Dominant space. We’ve had a few fights this week which has rarely happened at all over the last 8 months. We are just…off. And, it hurts.
For those of you with more experience than we, is this something common? Some sort of D/s drop? I guess I was wondering if this was something others have experienced, or if it is just us.
I’m not giving up. I still have a long way to go with regard to my submission and with how I would like to speak to and treat my husband. My plan today is to get the house cleaned up so that Daddy can enjoy his alone time after work and not have to worry about chores, while I am away teaching my night class. I also plan to give a fun, engaging lecture this evening after the discussion of the syllabus. I’ve always loved the first day back to school.
Thank you for stopping by!
Happy writing 🙂
~ nora
Finding Strength in my Submission 
Happy Instructing!!!
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Thank you, Traveler! I hope your day is good 🙂
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I’m wait for the spaceship to drop from the clouds during this eclipse. Getting my teeth cleaned right now so I will have a spectacular smile as the world ends…lol
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Lol…thank you for the giggle😊
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When I got my first sub drop I thought I was going crazy. Make sure you remain open and honest with him and ask for feedback. You cannot submit if you’re unclear on his intentions or if you ignore your needs.
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Thank you very much for this advice, bjsisal!
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Well I haven’t been at this very long as you know. But you mention several stresses and changes happening for you both right now. I think that would affect both your mind sets. I’m not sure how good my advice is but I would think skipping maintenance is not good right now and would suggest you schedule a make-up session soon but also for a time you both can devote to and not be hurried.
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Thank you, sayyidsgirl…that is very good advice😊
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Hi Nora. What you are experiencing are some things I alluded to very early on when I started commenting on your blog.
Some of this is a balancing act but there are other aspects that come into play as well. While there is the point of view that when time gets sparse, making the most of the time you do have is important and this is true, but if the submissive/dominant thoughts remain mostly isolated like these, things will grow stale rather quickly. The only way for things to feel “new and exciting” is to in fact experience something that is new and exciting. It is common for most things to feel routine. This is what it is to plateau.
In the idea that “there must be change or things will remain the same,” there are responsibilities for both parties in these cases. I should note that things are asymmetrical.
-It is much more painful for a sub (especially of your type) to miss D/s than the dominant because the mindset and your behaviors shift so drastically. The sub becomes someone else… while the dom basically stays the same. Basically, while he might miss things a little bit, when you miss it you will ache.
-The dominant is responsible for 90% of the daily dynamic. While this might not seem “fair,” it is the trade-off for having a loving individual at their beck and call. Even if there isn’t time for the normal routines, there are some things that can still be accomplished covertly. It is quite easy to give an assignment that can keep you occupied and focused for hours, it just becomes a matter of knowing when these are applicable.
-The sub is responsible for how they cope and evolve during these times. I have found there is a lot of self-exploration that can be done on your own. A major one ends up being to formulate your own view of what an “ideal submissive” is like and then honestly measure yourself against it. For subs that were drawn in by being on the receiving end of things, it can be quite a shock to realize just how many external motivations may be falling by the wayside. e.g. there is NEVER a shortage of things you can do that he will enjoy, make him happier, etc.
-Are you doing all that you can? Domspace and arousal end up being closely linked, have you tried seducing him in such a way where his natural impulse will be to scoop you up and ravage you? Sometimes small gestures like doing something you hate without being asked can trigger a wide set of feelings within a dominant.
Overall, these ebbs and flows happen naturally, especially when people are newer to the lifestyle. The only people I know who can avoid these have been doing it intensely with the same partner for 5+ years. Keep pushing deeper and you will both find your legs in a way that works. You probably won’t even notice when it is there.
One check reference is that right now you still describe yourself as being “split.” There is Nora the professional and Nora the submissive. They are the same person but separate entities. If I asked you which was the “real you” my guess is that you would say it’s both. There may be a time when you find that the submissive Nora is the real you and the professional Nora is the part you play. If you reach that point then a lot more things will become clear.
Take care.
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furcissy,
Thank you for sharing your wisdom with me! As always, your advice resonates deeply and I know that what you have written is my truth. I remember you giving me gentle warnings in the beginning about this very thing. I am so very tired of Nora the Professional….I long to serve my husband in all ways possible and to just “be”. Sometimes, I wonder if these feelings are tied to D/s or just tied to my age and to maturing. I know my husband is feeling an incredible amount of pressure right now and this pressure has led to him making a few “mistakes” as he has described them. I try to help him, but I think that I just make it worse as this is a form of control to him, and is a subtle (but unintentional) way of me criticizing him.
I do hope that things become more clear soon.
Thank you my friend,
nora
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Hi Nora.
I think part of your feelings stem from maturing. A lot of your personality characteristics that are championed in the professional world don’t go quite as smoothly when dealing with other people. At younger ages there is a tendency to value our pride and individualism. As we get older it stops feeling like it is worth the trouble. I think at some point you faced your flaws and chose the route of submission as its cure. I did the same thing in my life, but there was probably a happy medium out there somewhere that got skipped. When we see how much more pleasant life is with others when we suppress the old tendencies we start feeling like better people as submissives, and being blocked from reaching our best selves hurts. If you remember when I wrote to you about guises, it is important to keep Nora the professional around in some capacity, but it can be a face rather than your core.
A tip for your husband as I know he reads these comments is to channel his inner hedonist when feeling stressed. Kicking back, turning on the game (or whatever) while you attend to his every desire while dressed in a way he finds pleasing. An ostrich feather fan, a plate of nachos, and some sexy dancing during commercials is a very relaxing way to maintain some dynamics.
Take care.
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Thank you, furcissy….and I know Daddy will want to thank you as well for the great idea. There probably is a happy medium out there, but I like this route. I want to be my best self😊
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Hi Nora. It is sort of funny that in a world that favors strength, drive, independence, etc. that when we think about what characteristics we like in others it is things like compassion, empathy, attentiveness, caring, adoration, etc. that are what we picture. I have long deemed my submissive state to be the best version of myself.
Take care.
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Two quick other notes, Nora.
One, this is definitely not sub drop if going from a terminology standpoint.
The other part I wanted to elaborate on is in regards to curing the fatigue as MisterMan wrote about. The hedonism aspect of it is a very strong part of what tends to be sustainable long-term D/s. There is probably a hundred things that your husband would love to have happen and those same hundred things will speak to your submissive side. They can be spur of the moment.
The harsh reality of fights/arguments is that they will generally happen when needs arent being met. Hopefully the two of you will find a system where things never reach that point. Often spotting the cause of the friction and finding ways to solve it before it escalates will be key. I should add that this is another case where the sub will usually freak out before the dominant does. When you feel that ache and need more from him you can always start offering services that speak to your submissive side if he isnt in the mood and you dont feel comfortable saying “I need some dominance.” It might help inspire things in the future as Im guessing there are many things he would like but hasnt thought of asking for.
Take care.
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Thank you, furcissy! I’m headed out to teach my class and don’t have time for a thoughtful response right now, but I will definitely reflect on this tonight! Have a good evening😊
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I hope your first class went well. I sent you a couple of emails.
Take care.
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Hi furcissy! My first class went fabulously!!! I have such an energetic, engaged group!!! I totally forgot to check my gmail this morning…heading that way now!
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We have definitely experienced change in our relationship while the outer influences changed. I think that’s normal.
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Thank you for the response, happyfreeconfusedlonelyatthesametime! I appreciate it 🙂
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You can call me “happy” 😀
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Thank you, happy😊
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Thank you for writing such a vulnerable post, Nora. Beth and I hit a wall a few months in that felt very similar to this. I wouldn’t describe what I felt as “drop” so much as “fatigue”. Changing your entire lifestyle is hard work. It takes energy to maintain and there were times when I was just too tired to hold it all up in the air. The reason it took so much energy is that we had lots of old “pre-DD” habits that didn’t mesh cleanly with our new lifestyle. The good news is you can change these as quickly as you find them; the bad news is this was our whole lifestyle we’re talking about so there were lots of ’em.
You’re gearing up for start of school and he’s taking on overtime and a side project. All of these are things that can screw you into the ceiling and you need to relieve the stress. DD absolutely can help in a general way with your mood, but if you haven’t found specific DD things to scratch specific itches, you’ll set it aside and fall back on older habits that your subconscious has relied on for years.
Think about your arguments and times you’ve felt out of sorts, and try not to judge yourself too harshly. Instead, try to see the woman in those moments who was trying to protect you or satisfy your needs. I won’t speculate where that search will take you but in my own experience I often find needs that want satisfying that have DD-compatible solutions, and all it takes is talking with Beth about what we can do differently next time.
+1 on furcissy’s advice about hedonism. The first year of DD was exhausting for me because I wasn’t letting Beth shoulder enough of the submissive work. I remember feeling conflicted between needing quiet isolation to recharge emotionally and needing naked time with Beth to satisfy my more primal urges. Sex was always this big romantic emotional affair for us, and I felt guilty telling her “what I really need right now is a blowjob and some peace and quiet”, but boy am I glad I did. I thought she’d be offended but in fact she was delighted. Four years later, “sexual service” has become a staple of our relationship that we both deeply enjoy.
Aside from that, I’d say just hang in there. Life will overrun your ramparts sometimes. At first it will wash away a lot of your DD and D/s progress. Don’t worry. They can be rebuilt very quickly. And after a while, less and less of the bulwarks get washed away. This Summer Beth and I reached a point where we discovered we were relying on DD to get us through those stressful times. It was no longer adjacent to our support systems, but had *become* our support system. Don’t think for a minute that I’m saying life is problem-free, or that we don’t make mistakes! But it does get easier.
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MisterMan,
Thank you very much for this supportive and incredibly helpful response. I think describing what we are experiencing as fatigue is a great way to express what we are going through. And, what you wrote about what you and Beth experienced, and you not allowing her to shoulder enough of the submissive work speaks volumes to me. This is definitely something that I will discuss with my husband after he reads this post and the comments. He takes so much of it upon himself and makes it mostly about me and my needs, rather than focusing on his own sometimes (which is what I really want!). You and furcissy are both very wise, and I am grateful to be benefiting from your wisdom. Thank you 🙂
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I haven’t a lot of advice but think a couple of things are worth mentioning! First, do the punishment before bed–take as long as needed but get it done. Second if your Daddy will give you tasks to do during the day–wear something special under your clothes or go without panties. Take a risqué picture at break times from teaching. Whatever he likes–the point is you are forced to do something intrinsically submissive and he is forced to do something Dominant! Life is busy! I know we will have issues once we’re both back at work, but hopefully we will be able to remain in our roles. Best of luck Nora!! Some really good comments have been made–particularly by furcissy! You are not alone in this drop!
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Thank you, Michael! I really appreciate your words of support and your wise advice, particularly as you are taking time out of your vacation to respond. I will definitely discuss this with Daddy…I know we can survive this😊
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Hi Nora. I guess Rocky and I hit the same problem that you have now, except that our relationship didn’t survive it. What worked for me was to slow things down, especially regarding my own expectations. Don’t compromise on your rituals and habits, but don’t push either. Take some time to talk to a friend, meditate or your emotional position. Remember to praise your man for everything he is doing for you and your household. This shows respect and gratitude.
Rocky loved that I would randomly and without prompt send him a message to tell him that I thought he was incredibly sexy. I was surprised to discover how he reacted to “Checking in, sir”. He felt like I was both thinking of him and telling him that I am at his command. These things fed our relationship when the going got tough.
Life happens, don’t be too hard on yourself. Remember the whats, whens and whys.
Thinking of you!
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Thank you, Liv2C! Showing more gratitude toward him and all he does for us, and for me, is definitely an area that I can work on. I think I will try the “Checking in, Sir” text today….thank you for the great idea!
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(((((((hugs))))))
Don’t let ‘over-the-moon’ DD be eclipsed by the reality of time. Make DD the priority no matter what.
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Thank you, LS, for the hugs and the great advice. Unfortunately, I think he’s a bit burnt out and just needs a little time. Last night when I returned home from class, I proceeded very cautiously, offering him his nightly foot massage (which he accepted) and kneeling by the bed at bedtime until he granted me permission to sleep with him. He didn’t mention my maintenance spanking and I didn’t bring it up as I didn’t want to pressure him and I could tell he was really tired (I don’t get home from teaching until about 10pm). I think I will try to let him be for a little bit, without growing resentful, and see where he wants to go with this. I will continue my acts of service, focusing on my submission, and trying to feed his dominance… and hoping for the best 🙂
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There are hot and cold cycles in everything. Prior to my acknowledgement of enjoying submissiveness I would get to points in my relationship where I would retreat from things I wanted because they didn’t seem to be going over well with my wife (mostly sex) 🙂 Ultimately, it would pass and we would be back to our normal stuff but my wife is always amazed at my “meltdowns”.
This has carried forward in our D/s as I am always analyzing my service and looking for feedback. I think we are more aware of it now and can make adjustments which correct it in a shorted time frame.
It’s hard to have (passionate) sex with someone you have disagreements with. This is one of the reasons I like sex every day.
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Thank you very much for this insightful comment, herwishismycommand! I definitely agree that everything cycles in life… I hadn’t expected this so early on, but it is what it is and I think that describing what my husband is experiencing as fatigue is probably the most accurate. I think he just needs a break from being overtly in charge. I am stepping back and giving him that break by trying not to put any expectations on him. I will continue to submit to him, and do my acts of service in the hopes that when his work life calms down a bit, he will want and be able to give a lot of focus back to our dynamic. I will be waiting patiently…on my knees… 🙂
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My wife enjoys things she didn’t think would be a big deal – having her coffee served, getting a 10 minute nightly foot massage, having dinner cooked. We just had our wedding anniversary and the only gift I gave her was a choice of 1 of 5 things I would add to my service. She chose adding an extra minute per foot to her nightly massage. Seems small, 2 minutes, but over a year it’s more than 12 hours of dedicated service – and she was ecstatic with the gesture.
My point – keep serving, especially the small things that say you are always there for him.
By the way – forgot to mention – I love the images you post. They are awesome.
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Thank you very much!!! 🙂 And, I will definitely keep serving.
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Thank you for your honest and open post Nora, I have no advice to offer you as I have only been testing the waters of a Dom/sub relationship and yet to decide if it is for me but I wanted to say your honesty is helping me to come to terms and understand a little bit of myself
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I thank you for this response, Jad! It is definitely a big decision…life changing, even. I don’t regret my decision to engage in this lifestyle with my husband…but we are still learning and growing together. Thank you for reading 🙂
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