Depression, Self-Doubt, Angst…

Depression, Self-Doubt, Angst…

At one time or another, we are all plagued with depression, self-doubt, angst…some more than others.  I am blessed to be able to say that I have led a relatively happy life.  Happy childhood, met my husband at 23 right out of college, happy marriage, love my career…I’ve been very lucky.  But, then my mom died, unexpectedly.  Mom and I were incredibly close and neighbors as well.  My husband and I bought our property just a few driveways away from hers, as he loved her very much too.  A few months later, my younger brother died, tragically.  My whole world was turned upside down and some days, I am just swimming in grief.  So, I write to make myself feel better.  I write academic journal articles, I write in my personal journal, I write naughty blog posts as you all know, I write spanking fiction…and it helps.

Yesterday and today were hard days.  I have been overwhelmed with feelings of depression, struggling in finding self-worth, feeling down about many aspects of my life.  When I start feeling this low, I remind myself to reach out to my husband, my rock, my anchor in this crazy life.  So, I did.  I expressed to him how I was feeling…maybe not in the healthiest way at the start of the conversation, but in his knowing and loving way, he set me straight.  I’d like to share the text conversation we had earlier this afternoon.

Me: I’m sorry I am so much work.  I know it must be taxing on you.  I totally understand if you want to take a break from DD and D/s for a little while. (This text came out of nowhere…I’m sure Daddy was a bit shocked to receive it as we had not been discussing stopping this lifestyle in any way).

Daddy: Knock that off.

Me: Yes Sir, I’m sorry.

Daddy: Thank you.

Me: I’m just feeling a little insecure.  I don’t know why you would want to be with me when I am so depressed.  I wonder if you wish we had a normal relationship.  One where you didn’t have to spank me to make me speak respectfully to you.

Daddy: For starters, you are the love of my life, my soul mate.

(That was it for about 2 minutes and then his next message came in)

Daddy: Go out on the back deck right now.

Me: Yes Sir

(And I immediately obeyed.  I stood outside for several minutes, admiring my flowers and enjoying the way the sun felt on my skin, before I texted him again).

Me: I’m out here, Daddy.

Daddy: Take a look at our home we built together.

Me: It sure is beautiful.

Daddy: We did that together, because we love each other, and neither of us could have done it alone.  This life works for both of us.

Me: That is true.  But, you’re sure?  You aren’t just doing this for me? (referring to DD).

Daddy: Yes, I am absolutely positive.

Me: I’m sorry…sometimes I just freak out inside…

Daddy: Well, you need to stop.

Me: Yes Sir, I will stop

Daddy: Now, go back inside, get the medium plug, put it in, and get started on your journal article.

Me: Yes Sir

Daddy: Thank you

Me: (sent Daddy a picture of the medium plug lubed up and my panties down)

Daddy: That’s the one (referring to my retrieval of the specified plug).

Me: It’s in now Daddy.  Thank you for always being here for me.

Daddy: You are MY baby girl and I am responsible for you.

Me: I love you so much.  You really couldn’t have said anything more perfect.

Daddy:  Well, thank you.  I really love you baby.

Me: And I really love you Daddy

Daddy: Good.  Now get to work!

Me: Yes Sir

 

It is amazing how this little exchange completely turned my day around.  Having completed some academic work for the afternoon, and now writing this blog to you all, my spirits feel lifted and I am looking forward to my evening with Daddy.  We are going camping with my family this weekend for Father’s Day and tonight we are going to start prepping our trailer for the adventure.

Happy writing 🙂

~ nora

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27 thoughts on “Depression, Self-Doubt, Angst…

  1. Great post. To be honest, I am a lurker around the DD world. The value, as I see DD, is improving communication and intimacy between husbands and wives. You two are masters of these attributes. Not shying away from the riches of marital (sexual) pleasure is another of your admirable qualities. Thanks Nora.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I’m really glad that your husband is there for you and helping you in any way he can BUT some problems and issues should not be laid on the shoulders of our loved ones.

    There is no reason not to keep doing what you are doing AND get grief counselling for what you have been though.

    I’m in no way trying to offend or lessen the wonderful connection that you two share, but as someone who has been on *both* sides of that story I can tell you there is help, and to put it all on your spouse is unfair.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. I lost my grandmother last July, she was the one to keep me sane before met my husband – I do understand what you mean. We sat bedside for almost two weeks and watched her wither away …. I still think of it now.

        I have also and continue to deal with mental health issues (no I don’t mean anyone has a problem) that come from all sorts of circumstances. As much as I rely on and enjoy my dynamic with my husband, I don’t mistake it for taking care of my mental well being.

        I took care of my mental state first then enjoyed my marital state for all it’s glory! Have your cake and eat it too, I say!

        Liked by 2 people

        1. I am so sorry to hear about your grandmother, nijntje! All of my grandparents are deceased…I miss them so, but cherish the memories. It may surprise you (or not) to learn that I am a licensed psychologist. I absolutely believe in therapy and grief support groups, and attend myself. My mental, emotional, and physical well being are some of the greatest gifts I can give my husband and he is very proud of how I have held up during this time of sorrow. Yes, today was difficult…but looking up all the time 🙂

          Liked by 2 people

          1. I’m very glad to hear you are taking care nora!

            The ‘sugar’ post (where it was obvious you were setting yourself up for a spanking) and then this one started to really worry me that the dynamic was the only thing you relied on. I’m glad that’s not the case, I hope everyone else in a similar situation knows that shouldn’t be the case also …

            I have read one too many times where people mistake this for therapy and that really concerns me. Thank you for clearing that up! 🙂

            Liked by 1 person

  3. Can’t tell you how many times I’ve had this conversation before, nora. I think that for almost all Doms, time is spent frequently re-enforcing the reasons why we love our subs. You’re not alone, nora, in feeling you are too much work, and that even with DD, it would be better to stop. Daddy dominates you for two reasons. The first is, you want it, and the second is that he loves you, not the trappings we surround ourselves with in daily life. Don’t give up on yourself.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Dear Miss Nora,
    The loss of two significant beautiful people in your life over a short time frame should be enough for any reasonable human being to crack and suffer from grief that can’t just disappear like that.

    Too many times we are told to get over it get on with it, it just ain’t that easy.

    We should be able to depend on our partner no matter what is going on in our lives, ‘to have and to hold, for richer and poorer, in sickness and in health, for better or worse, forever and ever’.

    We are humans and none of us are perfect, guess that’s why we have emotions and moods.

    The more we talk about our issues to our trusted partner, the more we feel validated and it builds in them a deeper understanding of what is happening and how to help us cope in difficult times.

    Rest assured it is OK for you to FEEL the way you do at times, and it is OK for you to TALK about it whenever YOU want.

    Remember you are you and a beautiful woman with a loving and supportive husband.

    Allow yourself to grieve, I hope this makes sense, I am not too good at expressing myself.

    Take care Xx

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Sentinel334…thank you for for your kind and supportive words. It has been a trying time, but my husband has been there every step of the way and I should mention that he has been grieving as well. I agree with what you wrote about being able to depend on your partner through the hard times and I feel fortunate that I can. WordPress has been a great outlet for me to be able to share, anonymously, about DD and sexual activity, but being able to write about some of the loss I am feeling has been helpful too. As always, thank you for reading and thank you for your thoughtful, and insightful words. Take good care. ~ nora

      Liked by 1 person

  5. This is a lovely post, Nora.
    I think it is a perfect illustration of using D/s as a means of emotional support. I know when my demons surface I go through a lot of the same emotional struggles that you mentioned and having someone acting as an anchor really does help to act as a stabilizer during those times.

    Take care.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, furcissy! Life is funny sometimes… not funny as in “haha”, but funny as in ironic, I guess. While I am in a time of profound sadness and loss, I am also in a time of extreme growth in my marriage. Thank you for sharing and as always, thank you for reading. Have a beautiful day 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Nora, in the short time we have been chatting I have come to really respect you as a person. You have consistently shown that you are kind, generous, loving, and empathetic! In short you are very caring. I think we all want to help you through this difficult time. Your Daddy sounds like a wonderful person too. I have no doubts that your lifestyle will stand the test of this difficult time. But please remember that many of your followers consider you a friend and that we also would like to help you in any way possible!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. This was the sweetest comment to wake up to, collaredmichael, thank you! When I began my WordPress journey, I really didn’t know what to expect. But I truly value the group of individuals that I have come to know and I greatly enjoy our interactions. I also place great value on your kind words and please know that I feel the same towards you…you are an incredible human being and I feel honored to get to share in some of the pieces of your life, and some of our mutually enjoyed shenanigans (insert wink here). Seriously though,…thank you 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  7. I understand the depression and anxiety. I have struggled for years. I am glad you have a man who understands and will love you no matter what. A man who take charge and help you through it.

    What does the but plug do for you that helps you?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. With regard to your question about the plug, I don’t particularly like inserting them…it feels a bit violating, humiliating. So, if I am struggling to be submissive, Daddy will have me do this to get back in the correct mindset

      Like

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