Reflecting on 30 Days of D/s- Day 14

Reflecting on 30 Days of D/s- Day 14

Hello fellow bloggers! I have decided to partake in the 30 Days of D/s, which I will utilize as a writing exercise, presented by John Brownstone and Kayla Lords at Loving BDSM.  As suggested by the title, this free activity explores topics surrounding D/s relationships.  I know that there are many of us in this particular circle of writers who are engaged in this writing activity at the moment, so bear with me.  I think that this will be a useful endeavor in further exploring this new lifestyle that Daddy and I have set out on.  As always, thank you for reading!

~nora

Loving BDSM’s 30 Days of D/s – Day 14

Prompt: A Dominant may set the rules, but a submissive has to agree to them. Submissives may have an idea in their head what they need, but their Dominant might see another way of accomplishing the same goal. Rules are a part of the vast majority of D/s relationships from small to big.

Some rules determine behavior in public, others are about private behavior. Some rules may be more common but there’s no right or wrong here. Do you know what kind of rules you may want or need in your relationship?

My Daddy has certain expectations for me, which I think of as guidelines rather than specific rules.  His guidelines for my behavior are that I am always to be respectful, I am always to be obedient, and I am always to strive my best to please him.  These guidelines are far reaching and must be adhered to in both public and private, basically in all situations and at all times.  However, he has implemented a few specific rules.  One specific rules that Daddy has created is that I am to always answer his requests with “Yes, Sir” or “Yes, Daddy”.  Another is that I must always say “please” when making any type of request (which is harder than it sounds!).    Another specific, standing rule that Daddy has created for me is that I must have the kitchen clean before he gets home from work in the evening (I used to be a horrible procrastinator about doing dishes).

However, there is a part of me that would like to see Daddy implement more rules for me.  I thrive on rules, structure, organization…that’s just my personality.  I have no doubt that even if Daddy had a long list of rules for me, I would relish obeying each and every one of them.  But, this dynamic isn’t just about me.  Daddy has a different personality than me, which has served us well in our marriage (the idea of opposites attract and complement one another).  He balks at rules, he isn’t always the most organized, and he likes to be spontaneous rather than structured.  I think that for him, the idea of creating rules is not very much fun.  He greatly enjoys telling me what to do in the moment, and seeing me quickly obey him, but I’m not sure that he would enjoy sitting down and creating a list of rules for me.  However; now that I have spent much time considering this topic, I feel that I should approach him, respectfully, and discuss my feelings about possibly adding more structure and rules within our new D/s dynamic.

On a variety of blogs, I have read about kneeling.  One particular kneeling scenario that is very attractive to me, is the idea of kneeling before Daddy at bedtime and waiting for his permission, or being made to ask his permission, to sleep in our marriage bed beside him.  What I like about this scenario is that this reinforces the idea that sleeping beside him is a privilege that shouldn’t be taken for granted.  While Daddy typically comes to bed after me (he is a night owl), he always takes me to bed and tucks me in either when I am ready or when he sends me to bed.  One aspect about this scenario that is a little scary to me is that it puts us in a situation where Daddy may not give his permission for me to sleep with him.  It would definitely be a punishment for Daddy to deny me the privilege of sleeping next to him and for him to send me to sleep in our guest room.  I imagine though that he would only do this if I had been behaving very poorly and it would serve me as a good reminder to behave myself in the future.  Just thinking about Daddy sending me away from our bed makes me want to cry.

Another rule that I have learned about in some D/s dynamics, is the offering of oral sex after a discipline spanking.  I read about a scenario where after the submissive has been disciplined for disobedience, she must then thank her Daddy for her discipline (which I always do) and then offer to show her appreciation for that discipline by offering oral sex to her Daddy.  Daddy may or may not choose to take her up on that offer, but the point is to reaffirm the position of authority of the dominant by getting on one’s knees and giving him pleasure after he has given you pain.  This is also very intriguing to me.

I look forward to discussing rules with Daddy tonight.  However, I also do not want to create any giant expectations.  Expectations always get me into trouble as I tend to pout when I don’t get my way (my baby girl side).  I am learning—slowly and sometimes, painfully— that Daddy is in charge of our marriage and I trust him to know if we need to incorporate more rules or not.

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19 thoughts on “Reflecting on 30 Days of D/s- Day 14

  1. Sir and I only have a few set rules too. Mostly it’s simply following His lead and obeying His requests. The few rules we do have are the important things that have been added over time and so we never have to ‘take a break’ from D/s.

    Expectations …. yes, trouble! LOL

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi Nora. I have a few bits of advice when it comes to rules as depending how he views them, this topic can actually bring about a good bit of emotional pain.

    For a dominant, the rules and structure is a fairly polarizing concept. On one hand you will find some doms that see widespread rules as a chore and a burden since it requires checking up on them and enforcing consequences. On the other hand you will find doms that love the control that rules provide and the look forward to checking up and enforcing then. The latter type are often driven by emotional sadism as much as physical. The former generally sticks to rules that benefit themselves.

    The reason that I mention this is that from my experiences, doms will be one or the other and the likelihood of them changing their nature on this front is slim to none.

    I am of a sub that thrives under control dynamics and rules as they turn ordinary and mundane things into acts that feed my subspace. It sounds like you are gravitating in that direction. With that in mind, do be wary if he is of the type that does not wish to enforce a huge list of rules/expectations. If that happens to be the case it would be good to keep your expectations in check as this dynamic (or lack of it) tends to cause a lot of problems when the desires of both parties do not line up. There are ways to create a mental state that puts yourself into a structured mindset without the need for a large number of rules and expectations that I can advise you about if that happens to be the case. Just know that one of the worst things that can happen is pressing him to create rules that he doesn’t wish to enforce. In the long run that leads to hurt feelings, occasionally the sense that the D/s is “fake,” and quite frequently a feeling that the value of your submission is being diminished.

    That being said, I do hope that his and your desires do line up, I just wanted you to be aware of what may happen.

    Take care.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I greatly appreciate your feedback on this topic, furcissy! As I read through what you have described my Daddy probably identifies as a dominant who does not want the responsibility of assigning a bunch of rules and having to therefore, check up on them. Don’t get me wrong, he is very consistent with the regulations we do have in place but as I read your words, I thought…dang, I am just creating a bunch of work for him and he doesn’t need that on his plate. I am really grateful for this advice and I think I will choose to not ask for more rules. He reads my blog every day and so I know he’ll see this. If he wants me to have more rules, he’ll let me know. If not, I am just grateful for this new dynamic and what it has done for our marriage.
      Thanks again! I always love reading your words of advice. They are much appreciated 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

      1. You’re welcome, Nora.
        It still might be something worth talking about. The hard part is keeping your own expectations in check. I also would have to believe that he hasn’t reached his “final form” and still has a lot of evolving that has yet to happen. Often having a talk and bringing up the idea without any pressure can get the gears turning so that somewhere down the road it might have an impact. The idea that he dislikes rules for HIM makes me wonder as being the one making the rules can affect people very differently.

        I would look at rules and expectations as falling into three basic categories:
        1. They benefit him.
        2. They benefit you.
        3. They benefit the both of you.

        A Dom that doesn’t care to enforce rules will still likely have rules that pertain to #1, and sometimes #3. Some examples might be if he finds it very attractive when you dress in a certain way, it might become a rule/expectation that you dress that way to please him. If your health begins to ebb and flow then rules/expectations ensuring that you sleep enough, eat right, take vitamins, and exercise would probably fall into #3.

        #2 is a tricky one in that the benefit it gives to you is generally subspace (submissive mental space). The Doms that enjoy loading up these kinds of rules/expectations frequently love checking up and making things difficult so that you twist mentally and have a bit of fear. While a Dom that doesn’t enjoy it can still toss some of these in there, it tends to screw with the dynamics since dominance that feels like a favor isn’t very conducive to feeling good about your submission.

        I should have noted that the “likes rulres” vs. “dislikes rules” Doms was in regards to their state down the road. e.g. After 2-3 years in the lifestyle they will have a firm grasp of which type they are. As you are both learning together I doubt he has found a definite destination on the subject as of yet (although he may lean one way). I think a lot of it will be determined by how his Domspace ends up responding to control dynamics. If “because I can” ends up being something that drives him there will be a very different outcome.

        If you were looking for more mental structure, there are a lot of things you can do every day that can keep yourself immersed in a submissive mental state and train yourself to think in regards of him etc. One idea is to every day send him 4-5 pictures via email, text etc. that you think would make him smile. They could be pulled from the internet, pictures you take, etc. They could be sexy… funny… interesting… pretty… nerdy, or even just a picture of the ingredients that are his favorite meal or a picture of your feet wearing shoes he thinks you look sexy in, etc. If you try to send one every 2 hours, it should give him a constant reminder that you are thinking of him and also push you to adhere to some sort of schedule and really think about what he likes at the essence of his person.

        Damn, this probably could have been a blog post on its own.

        Take care.

        Liked by 2 people

        1. Lol…had to chuckle at your last comment and yes, this could absolutely be a blog post! So many can benefit from your wise words and experiences. I think Daddy would agree that he is definitely still learning and finding his way with D/s. I cannot express enough how our new dynamic is a complete 180 from how we used to operate in marriage. He has really stepped up and taken the lead and we have both benefited from it greatly. One thing that Daddy has already expressed that he likes is that when I text him, I call him “Daddy” and he loves the naughty pictures throughout the day. He said it helps him to stay in his Dominant mode.

          Liked by 2 people

          1. It is good that you are already doing something like that 🙂

            Actively feeding his Domspace is definitely a great way to encourage active dynamics.

            Thank you for the kind words.

            Take care.

            Liked by 2 people

  3. I would definitely fall on the less rules the better scale and have guidelines such as you already have. The issue as in the comments, is that checking compliance is not something I would want to do. Self-reporting violations to rules that you choose to enforce upon yourself is something that might work. I sense that the two of you need to keep working towards some medium that suits both your temperaments.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Agreed, LS! I took to heart what furcissy wrote and I won’t be asking for more rules. That would just create a bunch of work for my Daddy and he just doesn’t need that right now. I do like the idea of setting rules for myself, however; and letting Daddy know if I mess up and break one. That could be a great compromise for us 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  4. When I kneel to ask permission from my Queen to sleep in our marriage bed, I feel closer to her. The threat that she won’t allow me is real. Twice before we started this chastity journey, when she was domming me she made me sleep on the floor beside the bed! So a precedent has been set. But I do like this rule. Still rules need to exist for a purpose. The Dom/Domme in charge has to buy into them and feel comfortable with enforcing them. I think it is a good idea for you to let your Daddy think about things and decide whether HE wants to implement new rules. You have received some great advice in earlier comments. All the best!

    Like

    1. Thank you, collaredmichael! I am definitely going to take this advice. While I really like the idea of this rule, he may not and it may not mean anything to him. I will be curious to see what Daddy says tonight…he usually reads my blog at work before he comes home so I bet he brings it up…
      Hope you have a fantastic weekend! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Recently I asked my Husband to give me extra rules just for the summer. I was hoping
    for things like special chores and lots of extra sexual duties. He is very laid back and
    spontaneous so we were not on the same page. I agree with what furcissy said about
    it possibly causing emotional pain. Hopefully though, it will all work out well for you.
    Often what I imagine in my head isn’t what Daddy decides and then I just have to
    remind myself he is the boss and it’s his choice, not mine. I guess that all goes to
    headspace!

    Best of luck!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Obedient Wife! We had a great conversation about it when Daddy got home from work tonight. He does enjoy the idea of me kneeling on the floor by his side of the bed each night and asking permission to sleep in our marriage bed with him. He told me that he would work out in his head the exact wording of how he would like me to ask permission and that I am to memorize it. For now, that is the only new rule we are adding. I really appreciate the advice from everyone today and am glad that this blog and all of the responses provided a “jumping off point” for Daddy and I’s conversation.

      Like

  6. We don’t have a lot of long standing rules, just a few that stick around. For the most part, rules are something that are implemented on a shorter scale in our playtime. For example, if he has plans of edging and keeping me on my toes for the better part of a week before potentially giving in to a release, he may set a list of rules during that week. The important point you made is the idea of communication – As long as you both remain open and honest you will find what works best for you.

    Liked by 1 person

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