Hello fellow bloggers! I have decided to partake in the 30 Days of D/s, which I will utilize as a writing exercise, presented by John Brownstone and Kayla Lords at Loving BDSM. As suggested by the title, this free activity explores topics surrounding D/s relationships. I know that there are many of us in this particular circle of writers who are engaged in this writing activity at the moment, so bear with me. I think that this will be a useful endeavor in further exploring this new lifestyle that Daddy and I have set out on. As always, thank you for reading!
Loving BDSM’s 30 Days of D/s – Day 04
People read the word “negotiation” and imagine some sort of back and forth thing around a table in a formal way. It can be that, sure, but mostly it’s just the conversation you have to figure out what kind of D/s relationship you want for yourself. Submissives have the right to, and should, ask why a rule/task/ritual is being put in place and both sides should have the freedom to disagree, suggest other things, and make sure their needs are being met.
Negotiations aren’t a one-time thing either. You’ll come back to this over and over again in your relationship. Will you have a contract? Do you need a checklist? What exactly does a negotiation sound like?
Almost five months ago, I presented the idea of incorporating domestic discipline into our marriage to my husband. He was not overly surprised by this request as I had revealed to him my love for all things spanking early on in our courtship. In fact, we both still laugh when we remember the first time we ever made out at his house and how thrilled I was when he reached into my pants and squeezed my bottom firmly…I was head over heels in love from that moment on! So, me presenting him with the idea that he might discipline me, through spanking, for specific transgressions was not a shocker. I guess you might say that first conversation was the start of our negotiations.
To preface all of this though, it is important to know where we were as a couple at that point. As I have mentioned, we have been together for 14 years and married over a decade. During that time, we have had some fabulous years, some not so great years, and one very horrible year. We have both made mistakes and hurt each other badly, but we continue to choose our marriage over anything else. After a particularly difficult year for us as a couple, my mom passed away, unexpectedly. We were very close to her (this is an understatement). About seven months after she passed, and I was sinking further and further into depression, I stumbled upon my first Domestic Discipline website. As I read through the material, I knew that this is what I had been longing for my entire adult life. I wondered if this lifestyle could help address some of the power issues in our marriage, that we had been unable to change. And, I knew that we needed to make some big changes so that we could have more fabulous years ahead, instead of frustrated, unfilled ones.
As we learned more, we realized this was a 24/7 type of thing, not a game or something to be done on a whim. But because of this, this new lifestyle could greatly transform our marriage. We began to talk (negotiate) about expectations and what we both wanted out of this. What I wanted out of this new lifestyle was to no longer feel solely responsible for the day-to-day running of our lives, I wanted to feel that my partner was thinking of me and my needs/wants/desires, I wanted more sexual activity, I wanted to be held accountable for poor behavior/choices, and I wanted to feel differently towards my partner (I wanted to feel he was an equal partner and not a dependent). I wish my husband were here to articulate what he wanted, what he was negotiating during our early discussions, but I will do my best to represent what he has expressed to me. What my husband wanted to see as a result of this new lifestyle was a wife who spoke to him respectfully at all times, a wife who trusted him to make decisions, a wife who didn’t constantly nag and criticize every little thing he did (and yes, I used to do this), and he wanted to feel better about himself as a man.
These discussions continued, almost daily, for the first three months of our journey with domestic discipline. We would talk at length about everything…what was working, what wasn’t, what was challenging for me, what was challenging for him, and the results have been incredible. Through open communication (negotiations), trust, and the willingness to jump head first into this lifestyle…we have truly transformed our marriage, and ourselves. I am much more the type of woman that I want to be and my husband is much more the type of husband that I always knew he could be, and vice versa. He now feels much more like the man he wants to be and he is molding me into the type of wife he would like me to be. Don’t get me wrong, we still talk about it quite a bit, but now we are living the agreements we put in place.
I doubt that we will ever have a written contract, but I’ve learned to “never say never”. I still feel like we are newbies in this lifestyle and I know that as we change and grow, and as our marriage changes and grows, we may need to revamp again at some point. However, remembering his rules does not create a huge challenge as we are living the rules we created together. Basically, I am to speak respectfully to him at all times, I am to obey his command, and I am to submit to his authority. We are still equal partners. We still discuss household agendas, and make decisions together. But now, if we disagree, he ultimately decides for us… and that has been a beautiful change for us both.