Still Learning…

My husband and I are very new to this lifestyle, which we refer to as domestic discipline.  With that in mind, we have been making major discoveries within our marriage and within each other regarding our strengths, weaknesses, behaviors, etc.  As I previously wrote in another blog, I was the leader in our marriage for the first 13 years of being together.  I have a very strong personality (as I am learning many of you do) and I fought my husband for control daily (I didn’t conceptualize it this way back then, but ultimately this is what was happening between us).  I would do whatever necessary to maintain control…argue constantly, always try to prove him wrong, put him down, build myself up…(why he stayed married to me is beyond me sometimes).  Fast forward to today and (obviously) he does not tolerate that type of behavior from me anymore in any way, shape, or form.  Now, any type of back talk from me earns me a good, hard spanking and I am grateful to him for doing it.  While I am committed to learning to be a better, more submissive wife for him, sometimes, my own feminine disrespect slips past me (and sometimes, past him).  Last night, however; he pointed out to me something that I had been doing, unconsciously, over the last week.  While Daddy has not disciplined me for this disrespect as of yet, I have no doubt that I will be properly dealt with.

The unconscious behavior that he pointed out is that I have been very subtly blaming him for my misbehaviors this week.  You see, we were about three weeks into this journey when Daddy had to be gone for a week for work.  When he returned we had to go out of town to visit family and when we got home he came down with a terrible flu.  During these two weeks, I basically fell into self-pity and feeling sorry for myself as I missed the closeness we had been experiencing lately.  I acted out terribly and threw not just one, but two tantrums while my husband was away on business.  Over this last week, I have been making very subtle comments about how I am off track because of those two weeks…which, as he pointed out last night, is my way of putting him down and trying to be controlling.  And, after I thought about it, I realized that he is exactly right.  I feel very ashamed of myself now.  Here I thought I was really learning what it meant to be submissive, only to realize I was trying to be controlling in a different, more subtle way.  He pointed out that I keep commenting on how I had no guidance for those two weeks and how that was actually a lie…and he is right.  The week he was gone at work, and super busy and stressed, he still texted me constantly throughout the day to assign me chores, check on me, and express his love and guidance.  When I threw a tantrum about being left alone for a week and having to be responsible for everything at home, he promised me the spanking I had earned for throwing a tantrum (this was an agreed upon rule prior to him leaving town for work…no getting mad at him- temper tantrum- for him having to go out of town because of his job).  I then proceeded to throw another tantrum that night on the phone and he promised a second spanking.  When he returned from work, we only had two hours until we had to get in the car and leave town to visit my family, and yet he still followed through and spanked me twice very firmly, but lovingly, as he promised he would.  Does this sound like someone who left his wife without any guidance?  No, it does not.  It becomes more clear to me that I was acting extremely selfishly.  He also did not leave me without guidance that weekend.  We were staying with my family and he respectfully did not spank me there where someone might hear.  However, he did take me for a drive out into nature, where he did apply a spanking with the hair brush to my very bare bottom right there on the side of the road.  He told me it was a reminder spanking to behave while we were with my family.  Again…does this sound like a husband who left his wife without any guidance?  No, it surely does not.  When we returned from our family visit, my husband came down with a terrible flu which prevented us from being close physically.  While I did nurse him back to health, I was resentful.  I had missed my husband for a week while he was gone and now he was sick…like that was really his fault.  And, he has spanked me for that now that he is well.  But, that still didn’t prevent me from subtly suggesting that somehow, from all his “lack of attention” over the past two weeks that that is why I am off track behavior wise.

I feel shamed as I write this post.  My husband has gone out of his way to provide guidance to his ungrateful wife, even when it was challenging because of work duties, family obligations, and health reasons. He is certainly holding up his end of the bargain, while I act like a sulky, pouty, child who didn’t get her way.  So…here I am, sitting on a ginger fig as I write this blog post outlining my misbehavior (if you have never been figged, think of it as a spanking to the inside of your bottom…it HURTS!).  All I can hope is that my Daddy will read this post and know that I am truly ashamed of myself and that I will continue to try hard.  I will be forever grateful for his unwavering love and guidance.

With a submissive heart,

Nora